Things

I haven't checked in for a while, lots of things have been whirring around my mind to write about, but as per usual, there isn't quite the time and space to put them on the page.
I have been doing a fair bit of reading other blogs, many times recently I've stumbled across a blog post which has put into words exactly what I have been thinking about. It's so often the case, we think we are the only ones mulling over an issue, only to find that actually, we aren't alone, instead across the globe we are all influenced by so many of the same issues and thinkings. 
Kind of weird, but great at the same time.

I love this lady's writing, I feel like we are on the same page. awidemercy

I have been wrangling with how much more we need to support each other as parents. Weather we push our babies, or carry them, breast or bottle feed. Seriously, life is hard enough for constant judgement. This article added to my existing thoughts about this. huff post. 

My Little tyke is hurtling towards being 'number 3'........ I won't say things like 'where has the time gone'.....'they grow so fast'......but yes, those things ! I am loving spending so much time with her, her personality is emerging beautifully and I love our time together. There are times where I CaNNOT wait for bedtime, to see her eyes and mouth close, silencing the constant stream of 'why' mummy, but I love a 3 year olds zest for life, and have to say, I learn so much from her questions and excitement at the simple things in life. 

The littlest Deane is getting bigger, and LOUDER. There are teeth, and there is eating. There are still night wakings, but not so many these days. 
He is scrumptious. I have considered eating him on more than one occasion.

Ten on Tuesday

1. Today I decluttered our bedroom a little, that's what I like to do when the energy fairy comes to visit ( I slept for 9 hours last night.....woop woop ! )

2.  I've been thinking loads about the old chestnut 'is breast best' ? when it comes to feeding our babies. More on this another time, but It has led me down some interesting routes of enquiry and thinkings.

3. Our little fella is sleeping fairly well, I often sit down and contemplate for a moment how things would be if he wasn't......the thought of this fills me with dread. Thankyou Lord for a baby who is fairly good at sleeping. ( please keep it up little fella - PLEASE )

4. I realised yesterday that I haven't slept in the same bed as Husbando for 3 months now.....we take it in turns to sleep in the same room as the little guy, so the other one can sleep. But seeing as he seems to sleeping fairly well I think it may be time for this arrangement to cease...... ( I quite like having a kingsize bed for half the night though.....oh hang on, what I mean is.....I can't wait to be able to lie next to my beloved once more !)

5. Currently debating which nursery would be a good option for Little Tyke to go to when she's 3. Part of me isn't keen on her going at all, I would love to just have her home with me full time, but I'm not physically able to look after her on my own everyday all day, so that isn't an option. However, I am realising that she is growing up, developing, and a few hours a day at nursery won't do her any harm, and she will probably quite enjoy it. ........ trying not to feel sad at the passing of time, and her growing, but to welcome each new phase and anticipate watching my daughter's personality and talents unfold.

6. I decided after having LT that I would hold off looking into any new treatments for CFS, as I knew I would be too exhausted to investigate and implement them, then have another baby. But now I am contemplating.......there has to be a way to get better from this damned condition. I can't see how a body can suddenly stop functioning properly and there be no way of reversing it. But it all costs money, tests, investigations which the NHS don't fund. Time and money can be wasted with no real benefit, I'm still looking out for that magic ingredient which will put in place the piece of the jigsaw which will restore me to some kind of normal again.

7. Mostly been listening to this




Can't quite put my finger on it, but I find this really uplifting and it make me wanna dance ! 

8. Can it be warm and sunny again please?  Just for a few more than two days in a row, i'm thinking a whole week or two would be perfect. Thankyou Kindly.


9. For the first time in my life I think I may try and loose some weight. I have never tried this before, so am pondering the world of dieting, and kind of thinking that unless I am prepared to make changes permanently to my eating habits then there is very little point in dieting at all, just buy bigger clothes ! I'm not going to loose the weight if I don't intend to keep it off, to me that seems fairly pointless ? It's a whole new world, this dieting business! Getting older and having babies certainly throws a curveball to your metabolism ey. 

( I write this while drinking coffee and eating biscuits........ oh dear. )

10.  I still sometimes get excited by the fact I can now stand up for more than a few minutes without feeling like I may collapse. Seriously enjoying no longer being pregnant, it was perhaps the worst thing I have ever been through. I can't quite believe how exhausted I was, it was a awful. The product is a miracle and I love him, he continues to grow, be healthy and make my heart warm. For that I am thankful. 

A few of my favourite things

This winter has felt never ending, in more ways than just the cold bleak weather, but spring is here and it feels as though there are easier times on the horizon.

I always like May, it's often sunny, there are two bank holidays and life always seems to be good ! Hoping for some happy times this spring and Summer. To start off the month we had a trip out to a little park nearby, it's one specifically for pre school kids so is perfect for us. I have a lovely lady who helps me on a Tuesday and Wednesday for some of the day, so with the promise of an afternoon in bed, and an energetic assistant, we ventured out to the park.....IN THE SUNSHINE !


Catching up with a few photos of the last weeks.

 Flowery ones......

 Painty ones.......

Out in the sunshiny ones........

Choice and Enjoyment !

The thing is, you see. 

Most of the time these days we tend to decide when to have kids.

I have pondered this a lot recently.

When watching 'call the midwife' along with lots of other Mothers around the world I marvelled at the fact that babies got left sat in prams outside on their own. Now yes, 'times then were different' but not that different from a babies perspective !

With recent obvious events in my life I have pondered how much I am 'enjoying' being a mother. It's something I have always looked forward to, as I've spend much of my life caring for other people's kids, so kind of looked forward to having my own. As a teenager I cared for triplets and thought nothing of giving them all tea, bathing them and getting them into bed. These days I sometimes break out into a cold sweat when Daddy is late home and I am left to fend for myself, so what has changed- oh yeah, I am a Mum all the time, not just twice a week, and am now 32 and not 15 !!
Most of the time, I find it incredibly enjoyable, rewarding and fulfilling. I don't struggle to see it as a valid thing to spend ones hours changing nappies and wiping noses, my own Mother spent lots of time drilling in to me that it is just as valid a thing to do with ones time than anything else, if not more so.

Anyway I digress, I think what I am trying to get at, is, Women in the 50s didn't seem to feel at all guilty about not taking their kids to endless 'groups' and instead of this, leaving them much of the time to entertain themselves while they spent their hours doing jobs which we now handily delegate to our machines, ( oh how I love our machines ) is because back then, to put it plainly if you had sex then it was likely you were gonna have babies. So Women had them young, and lots of them, without huge amounts of conscious decision. So having feelings of 'I just want to do something more fun today' or 'really, do I have to get up and be a patient, kind and loving mother AGAIN' were thoughts which came without any stigma, as well, if something kind of happens to you without much 'choice' then one seems more allowed to not enjoy it !

Now most of us take pills, use contraception and are more in control of how many and when we have kids, so having these thoughts are instantly recognised as negative. Instead we think we SHOULD enjoy every moment, we stroll into Mamas and Papas and are sold a dream hung on wooden coat hangers, down lit with co ordinated items, beautifully displayed, peaceful and idyllic. The reality however is different. Emotions run high, kids cry, Parents argue, Hormones go crazy, and can leave Ladies all over the world feeling guilty if we don't enjoy every moment, don't feel fulfilled at home, and don't always want to get up and face the day, we feel like we are bad Mothers and abnormal.

I, like hoards of other women have had days like these. Is it PND ? is it just normal...? there are fine lines in-between these things ey.

But I think when one chooses to do something, one feels like 'I chose it, so therefore I should continue to want it all the time'. But I am discovering just like a purchase of a new handbag, motherhood can have days where it's not quite as nice as we thought when we first bought into it !

So I guess I am learning to give myself permission to not always want to spend time with my kids, not always want to breastfeed at 4am, and not always enjoy watching cbeebies and saying 'No' for the hundredth time this week.

I mostly love it, but am learning not to feel scared of myself, of my emotions when I don't.

Just thought I'd share, as I know I'm not alone.

So Ladies and Gents, while I am not suggesting we all leave our babies out to amuse themselves or suddenly revolt from our playgroup attendance, I think we maybe need to realise that just because we chose to have kids, doesn't always mean we will enjoy every minute !

My kids are cute, oh yes, and I love being a mum, maybe more than some, I kind of feel like its one of the few things I am kind of good at, looking after kids, but sometimes I don't like it, or them !

There I said it !

Ps
I apologise for my poor grammar, spelling and sentence structure, but you see I was up at midnight with a toddler who wanted to tidy up, and at 3am with a hungry baby, so suck it up people !!!

NHS and Smarties

The NHS came up trumps again today, we live close to a health centre, which is like a 'one stop shop' for clinics of all shapes and sizes. I feel like it is my second home at the moment, in the past few months I have been there to see......... the GP, Practise Nurse, Health visitor, Psychologist, Opthamalmic person, Phelbotomist and Dentist, all under one roof. Although it has got to the point where the taxi driver has almost stopped asking me where I want to go, as usually it's there. It is one thing I think the NHS has got right recently. ( Yes Mr Cameron do you hear me ? don't be ruining it completely please, PLEASE )

When Little Tyke was a baby the place had a fault with the heating, so it was always HOT, too hot, in winter and summer. As you can imagine, waiting with a baby in a hot stuffy place with lots of people, kids and germs all flying around in an array of illness and impatience, it wasn't a place for a sleep deprived mummy to enjoy ! It's amazing what turning down the heating a few notches can do. It is now a far more pleasant experience, that mixed with knowing which of the 5 reception desks your meant to be at, all makes life easier. Life should always be as easy as possible I think.

Today it was the Opthalmic clinic for LT we were gracing with our presence. I have been dreading it for a while if I'm honest, I just don't have the energy for such things. But today wasn't too bad, while we waited for quite a looooong time, LT did insist on basically dusting the floors with her body, but in an attempt to keep us both happy I just let her get on with it, thankfully the floors were fairly clean (?!). She also asked me in a loud voice 'why has that man got a plaster on his head ?.'...which was a little unfortunate as he did look a little embarrassed. There was a tricky moment when a 5 year old boy attempted to 'share' her peppa pig toys which she was more than a little put out about. To be fair, he was fairly hyperactive and had very little concept of why he might scare her. 

The Dr at the clinic was very lovely and actually smiled which is more than can be said for the last opthalmic person we saw - why work with kids if you don't even smile at them ! So the Dr fella got 10/10 and the lady we saw before him  ( not actually sure what her title is ) were wonderful with LT, and with a promise of smarties when we were done, she co operated in a way which made me feel like a proud smug parent. ( you have to revel in these rare occasions to make up for the times when they are throwing things at other kids and refusing to do as you ask them while out in public ! )

All in all, the morning I had been dreading for a few weeks now, wasn't too bad. 

Big up the Health Centre I say. 

( only downside was having to fish something out of dirty clothes pile in a bid to leave the house in more than just my bra and bulging maternity jeans ) 

Attempting re entry

This week we are attempting 're entry' into our usual weekly routine. DaddyDeano back at work and all the usual childcare, playgroups and sitting with just my Little Tyke and I at home are back underway.

So far, it's been a lovely week. Helped by two factors, one; although still sick, I am slightly less exhausted than I have been for most of the summer, that 16 week phase seems to have arrived with a teeny bit more energy in the tank - phew. Secondly, the sun has been out, how lovely, there is something soothing about september sun isn't there ? Not only does it feel like a bonus, but it's lower in the sky and heralds the arrival of Autumn loveliness. 

Today I decided to take the bull by the horns and go to playgroup. Thursday morning playgroup can be at times, like taking your life in your hands. Set in a local children's centre, with low ceilings and YEAR ROUND heating on FULL, it can be like entering a den of germs, heat and noise. But today there was a lovely breeze, and we were only joined by about six other parents and their little darlings, so it was relatively tranquil......phew. We've spent most of the week at home albeit with some very lovely visitors, so LT was getting a little bored of the same old toys. The only shadow looming over our lovely morning, was one very loud boisterous 3 year old boy banging a drum REALLY REALLY hard, his mum was on the phone ( I have a soft spot for her despite most other mum's not liking her ) so for some reason had enough patience to quietly suggest to said child that maybe he could be a little quieter. (This pregnancy seems to have bought with it nearly constant headaches, so one can do without too much banging of drums ! )

The other unfortunate occurrence was when one of the sure start staff who we have known intermittently since LT was about 6 months turned up, said 'hello' to her. She quivered with fright and ran into my arms crying, looking genuinely terrified. Not quite sure what to make of that, or why she was so bothered, but it was a little bit of a shame for all involved.


Hoping the next 6 weeks will be like this one.

Just a Wednesday......

Today is Wednesday, just a normal Wednesday. DaddyDeano is gearing up to go back to work full time, he's been going into work mornings for a few days to get some things done. So this week has almost been an 'easing us back into normal life week'. It's been an interesting summer holiday. If I'm being totally honest, it hasn't been brilliant. Me very sick, and my lovely husbando tired and still fairly stressed with work despite not being there a whole lot. It's tough when you have things to plan and prep for, whilst also trying to take a break. But I have to remind myself how much harder these past 5 weeks would have been if he hadn't been off work. I have been in bed a lot, and going it alone would have been really tough. But, life continues on monday as normal, ready or not. On the plus side, being too ill to do a whole lot has meant we haven't been out and about on as many day trips as we would have been, thus saving us from spending money we don't have......why is it that august always costs so much !???

I'm not really one to make huge 'goals' for a new term, I am by nature quite a task focussed person, and don't need the encouragement of a goal type thing to get me to achieve/focus on something. I have found that having CFS only makes this practise very very frustrating. Setting a 'goal' which you are then unable to achieve through no fault of your own is just plain demoralising. I am a subconsious goal setter though, I have always got something I want to 'get done' and am learning to make these things teeny tiny so that they are actually achievable. This holiday time I have managed to paint our kitchen windowsill, sort out one box full of papers and filing which has sat neglected for more than a few years, and thrown out 4 bags of rubbish, just stuff which really should have been disposed of on a week to week basis, but has just lingered under sofas, in corners, stashed in drawers or on top of the fridge. Yes it has taken 5 weeks to achieve these small things, but in between vomitting, sleeping and toddler juggling, I feel quite proud of myself ! I could list all the things I haven't done, which I would have loved to do, but today I choose not to.

But as we dive into another academic year I do want to stay focussed on what I am doing............. I am housing a growing life inside me, and that is a tiring job. I am making parenting decisions, even if at times my body is too weak to carry them out, even at the hands of others who care for my little tyke, I am her mother and the one who is guiding her through her toddler years, It is my decisions which affect her the most, and I really want to be aware of this. I have realised that I will probably need more help with her this next year, in whatever form, but regardless of where she spends a few hours each day, she comes home to me, and calls me Mummy. In the times I know will come in this pregnancy and beyond, where I am just incapable of caring for her in the way I would like, I am determined to not let that make me feel like I have failed her, but that having a sometimes frail Mum is just part of her journey in life. It will grow things in her character and prepare her for things that I, as yet, have no idea about. She is God's child and I have to trust her to Him. 

( please feel free to remind me of this resolve, when in a few weeks I write a lamenting post about being in bed and missing out on life ! )

My Sister in Law, reminded me of this verse in Psalms recently......

 'God, our protector, keep us in mind; always give strength to your people. For if we can be with you even one day, it is better than a thousand without you.' (Psalm 84:10-11) 

It served as a timely reminder, that He is not only my protector, but being with Him each day in whatever small form is what I'm aiming for.

Oh yeah, and a guy named Pablo delivered us yet another chest of drawers ( ebay purchase ) to house our growing ammonst of 'stuff '. I think I might be developing an addiction to chests of drawers and storage solutions. I blame the hormones, always the hormones.

The significance of a small plastic box

The box is about 30cms X 20 cms and is sitting proudly on the bookcase in our bedroom. It's been a while coming. I've tried to get it there many times but it's never quite happened. It is just a clear plastic box with our medicines in, paracetemol, ibuprofen, for littlies and big people too. But it signifies a level of order I have been dreaming of for about 2 years...........................You see most houses need a medicine box or cupboard, a place to store the things in one place out of the reach of little people who could easily kill themselves if they ate the wrong pills, don't they? 


We moved into our current house 6 days before having our little tyke. So there wasn't time to 'nest', order things, or find a place for things. And since then there hasn't been energy to play catch up on said activities. Only last month did we get a chest of drawers for my clothes, they now have their own place, not just a pile on a cupboard......this brings me joy and makes like a bit easier too ! 


But the medicine box issue has played on my mind for a while now for many reasons. The first one is that when you become a Mum, suddenly you see danger, potential things which your child could hurt themselves on. I am very laid back with dirt and germs, but think the need to put medicines out of reach of small children is just a basic thing you have to do ? The second is that we were previously ' half used packets of paracetemol strewn willy nilly around the house' kind of people. So I would be lying in bed and see a packet of pills on the chest of drawers, suddenly envisage my daughter all 60cms of her pole-vaulting up on the drawers and chewing on the deadly paracetmol. Yes It is ridiculous, but these things happen when your tired, stressed and a first time Mummy. 


You would think that a simple trip to a shop to buy a box would have been the answer a year ago, well it was but it just never happened. 
But last week it did. The medicine box is not just that, but also signifies to increasing order in our house. Having packed up from our last home when I was 8 weeks pregnant and vomitting violently, then played 'sleep in a friends spare room' for the duration of my pregnancy ( which was actually quite fun and not as bad as it sounds ) with our possessions stored in various places, there has been much sorting and unpacking needing to be done ! There is still work to do, but there are drawers with clothes in instead of piles on the floor, there is a medicine box and today I sorted through some of that junk that everyone has which I think would be categorised as just 'stuff', the sort you don't want to give a permanent place in ones house but equally don't want to throw out.


Stuff, you are my next target, the medicine packets and bottles will tell you  - I will win eventually !

A grumpy day

Willow and I both emerged from our beds a little grumpy. She uncooperative, me hormonal and overtired from yesterdays exertions. I raised my voice a few times to her, I felt a little guilty but not too much. I think it's ok for littlies to see their mum's a little short tempered from time to time. It's just life.
I tried to balance my short fuse with patience, but when your small person has dragged you from where you sat content with a cup of tea, to the hallway as they want to go 'up staaars', only for them to get distracted and change their mind half way, well it's just annoying isn't it. 
She's cute, but she's just a little human, It's good to remember that when around small people, they're just like us with less social boundaries, ability to care for themselves, or self regulate how they react to things. 
I'll let her off for today, but may she wake up tomorrow ( a little later than normal if possible ) with a smile and the desire to have her nappy changed and get dressed. Oh, and maybe do something other than 'watch thomas'. 

Olympic fever

Today the olympic torch came to town. We deliberated muchly about where to see it, will there be crowds ? place to park ? a place for me to sit ? and for once it all just kind of worked out fine. The sun shone, the little one played about happily while we waited....waited.......

Then it finally arrived...... not a great photo, but it was there, really there, the olympic flame - whoop whoop 

Tantrum

Today, this little character has entered a new phase, the tantrum. You wouldn't know from this picture though ey ?

Only mild ones so far, crying - not screaming, and a kind of crazy waggly dance (similar to those weird wooden toys where you press the bottom and the donkey thing collapses ) which signifies annoyance and distain for the fact I said 'no'


Today it was that we couldn't walk downstairs to get the letter from the mat cos we needed to go up the other stairs to get dressed. 


Not impressed. Not at all. 


The letter on the mat became her companion, as if i'd parted them never to be re united. It was in fact a stinky letter addressed to me, telling me bad news, but that's another story.


I have to say I like it that she's like this though. Yes it is quite annoying and inconvenient, but I love it that my girl knows what she wants, and has the freedom to express how she's feeling - Well until I kind of raised my voice and then tempted her upstairs with the promise of watching an episode of 'tiny' on the tv in mummy's room. ......you see that's just how good I am at this.................TV bribery all the way *hangs her head in shame*


I'm sure there will be more of them, then there will be a few years where they cease, then she'll be a teenager and it'll all start again.


I love her, and her crazy tantrum dancing.

Now

So, today I sit and write, with no particular theme in mind, but just to say 'hi' to my lil ol blog. 
This week has been a good one, I have enjoyed it. 


A friend has visited, one who I really care for, and have known since I was a lanky Dr Martin boot wearing teenager  bouncing around with all the enthusiasm of a tigger on speed. 
We sat, she pregnant, me a little weak round the edges, chatting, laughing and of course our running commentary on the world continued where we left off last time. This used to be putting the world to rights, but has now more developed into a running commentary on how we just don't know anything, and the more we plod along, the more we realise we really don't know anything. (we of course knew everything when we were 15 though)
Then there was a train which took her away, but Willow is still walking round the house saying 'sarah weeze'. I think she has made a new friend.


Then there was the bit in-between wednesday and when my sister arrived on Friday night...............


There was playing, sleeping, tv and painting.......painting is the new thing in our house don't you know. It is requested at breakfast, lunch and tea..........It's a good job I don't mind painting mess, I am at home with painting mess.


Sister arrived. I rested, she played with the little one, then there were chats, and a film 'Salt' - it's a good one if you like a spy thriller type thing with Angelina Jolie jumping around, gun in hand and the world to save. For a slightly hippyish, arty loving kind of lady, I'm quite partial to a bit of spy, world saving shoot em up kind of films......everyone has a dark side I'm told.


Trip to the safari park, the monkeys jumped on the cars with their willies hanging out.....not a good look. 


Then it was now, right now. 


It's been a more busy week than usual, it's been lovely. Lovely people, lovely things, lovely times.


I am one blessed lady. 

Playgroup boycott.........

On Thursday night, lured in by the clear skies,  I decided that Friday morning Willow and I would boycott playgroup. We would instead, be replacing this tried and tested way of spending a morning with a toddler, for some ' get out for a bit of fresh air ', not the swings, but where there is grass and leaves and 'wild' things. At this time of year that's what I feel we should be doing isn't it ? While playgroup is great, it kind of feels like more of a wintery activity.


Underterred by the rain we set off on Friday morning, of course it poured down. We do live near a lovely little woodland with a stream running through it, but i'm not altogether sure it's not a meeting place for weirdos.....lots of cars parked at odd times of the day ! Overly paranoid ?................. maybe, but I do have quite a good 'weird person radar' so for now I will go with my gut on this one. 
So instead we headed for a nearby playing field.

Looking at these photos you might think what a lovely and worthwhile time we had, the truth however is we were there for about 5 minutes, Willow cried cos her hands were cold, and refused to want to do anything other climb back in her pushchair, so I cut my loses and phoned a taxi to collect us. However the new lady in the taxi office wasn't accepting my explanation of where we were 'by the fishing lake kind of near that field with a playground', so I was standing there in the rain with a crying child...not the best morning of my life. But not the worst either, there has to be worse things !

We eventually made it home, wet and a bit cheesed off.

Moral of the story....... should've gone to playgroup !

Today

Sometime life with CFS is fine, other days it really gets me down, and today is one of those days. I'm just a little weary of it all.


We have had a lovely hour or two with some friends today and their little one, I also bought some paint from B+Q ( yes I am one of life's unusual people who actually looks forward to going to B+Q) so I shouldn't really complain, but once our friends left, I crashed a little, not because of them, just because I hadn't rested enough earlier, bla bla bla bla. So once more I took up my place in bed. I hate lying in bed so frequently watching hours upon hours of mindless, MINDLESS tv.


Yes my life is mostly like a rainbow, full of colour and life, I am so very blessed, so much more than I ever hoped for, I really do mean that. But lurking behind the rainbow is a grey cloud of complete exhaustion, physical pain and foggy fatigue, and occasionally the grey cloud covers up my rainbow a little.


Tomorrow is a new day.


I'm hoping for clearer skies.