The thing is, you see.
Most of the time these days we tend to decide when to have kids.
I have pondered this a lot recently.
When watching 'call the midwife' along with lots of other Mothers around the world I marvelled at the fact that babies got left sat in prams outside on their own. Now yes, 'times then were different' but not that different from a babies perspective !
With recent obvious events in my life I have pondered how much I am 'enjoying' being a mother. It's something I have always looked forward to, as I've spend much of my life caring for other people's kids, so kind of looked forward to having my own. As a teenager I cared for triplets and thought nothing of giving them all tea, bathing them and getting them into bed. These days I sometimes break out into a cold sweat when Daddy is late home and I am left to fend for myself, so what has changed- oh yeah, I am a Mum all the time, not just twice a week, and am now 32 and not 15 !!
Most of the time, I find it incredibly enjoyable, rewarding and fulfilling. I don't struggle to see it as a valid thing to spend ones hours changing nappies and wiping noses, my own Mother spent lots of time drilling in to me that it is just as valid a thing to do with ones time than anything else, if not more so.
Anyway I digress, I think what I am trying to get at, is, Women in the 50s didn't seem to feel at all guilty about not taking their kids to endless 'groups' and instead of this, leaving them much of the time to entertain themselves while they spent their hours doing jobs which we now handily delegate to our machines, ( oh how I love our machines ) is because back then, to put it plainly if you had sex then it was likely you were gonna have babies. So Women had them young, and lots of them, without huge amounts of conscious decision. So having feelings of 'I just want to do something more fun today' or 'really, do I have to get up and be a patient, kind and loving mother AGAIN' were thoughts which came without any stigma, as well, if something kind of happens to you without much 'choice' then one seems more allowed to not enjoy it !
Now most of us take pills, use contraception and are more in control of how many and when we have kids, so having these thoughts are instantly recognised as negative. Instead we think we SHOULD enjoy every moment, we stroll into Mamas and Papas and are sold a dream hung on wooden coat hangers, down lit with co ordinated items, beautifully displayed, peaceful and idyllic. The reality however is different. Emotions run high, kids cry, Parents argue, Hormones go crazy, and can leave Ladies all over the world feeling guilty if we don't enjoy every moment, don't feel fulfilled at home, and don't always want to get up and face the day, we feel like we are bad Mothers and abnormal.
I, like hoards of other women have had days like these. Is it PND ? is it just normal...? there are fine lines in-between these things ey.
But I think when one chooses to do something, one feels like 'I chose it, so therefore I should continue to want it all the time'. But I am discovering just like a purchase of a new handbag, motherhood can have days where it's not quite as nice as we thought when we first bought into it !
So I guess I am learning to give myself permission to not always want to spend time with my kids, not always want to breastfeed at 4am, and not always enjoy watching cbeebies and saying 'No' for the hundredth time this week.
I mostly love it, but am learning not to feel scared of myself, of my emotions when I don't.
Just thought I'd share, as I know I'm not alone.
So Ladies and Gents, while I am not suggesting we all leave our babies out to amuse themselves or suddenly revolt from our playgroup attendance, I think we maybe need to realise that just because we chose to have kids, doesn't always mean we will enjoy every minute !
My kids are cute, oh yes, and I love being a mum, maybe more than some, I kind of feel like its one of the few things I am kind of good at, looking after kids, but sometimes I don't like it, or them !
There I said it !
I apologise for my poor grammar, spelling and sentence structure, but you see I was up at midnight with a toddler who wanted to tidy up, and at 3am with a hungry baby, so suck it up people !!!
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Ten on Tuesday
1. My kids are cute, here is evidence. I love them.
2. Loving this song this week. The way Pink sings has always got under my skin, her vocals are just amazing. If I could sing like anyone, it would be her I think. She has got a whole lot of anger there, but man can she belt it out.
3. You know have a toddler and a baby when you are rocking a car seat with one foot, using one hand to operate a breast pump and the other to fill a duck shaped watering can, all at the same time. Just call me a multitasking mumma extraordinaire ;)
4. Our little chap has recently decided that sleeping for 5 hours in a row is a good plan. This is good news.
5. I think when you produce your second human being, you kind of have to emerge from newborn babyland a little sooner. So I have purchased two new pairs of shoes this week ( aside from the fact that quite literally ALL my footwear had holes in, I felt I needed them ) Granted they spend less time on my feet than my slippers, but they look nice on the shoe rack, and when I do escape the house it's nice to look, well, nice !
6. When someone gives you a £20 voucher for boots as a baby gift, is it wrong to use it to buy yourself perfume.......? the jury is still out on this one, comments appreciated !
7. Little Tyke is living up to her name at the moment, the tantrums and shouting of that all important two letter word 'N O ' have reached a peak in our house. Oh it is good to be the one who needs to breastfeed the contented baby when such incidents occur, Husbando it's over to you. ( he spends his days trying to teach unruly teenagers, so is fairly good at dealing with such things ! )
8. Salad, I want to rediscover salad. We need to make friends again, spring is finally here to stay - I hope, so it's about time I got munching on some delicious crunchy leaves. It's one of my favourite things to eat, but didn't mix well with pregnancy, and can take a bit more preparing than a quick bit of toast, but I am determined to consume some soon.
9. We booked our summer holiday this week. 3 nights in the Lake district in one of these....
It's like camping but in a wooden tent with sealed doors......hoping it will be a success. PLEASE GOD let it be nice weather.
We are going with some friends who have kids the same age as us, I'm wondering if maybe this plan was a little ambitious for this summer, but hey, you gotta give these things a go, and at least husbando won't be having to put up a tent on his own while I sit in the car ! In my more energetic state I am fairly competent at putting up tents and all things practical, so it pains me greatly that I have to sit around and watch him do all the hard work. That said, there is something very attractive about watching ones husband work up a sweat completing a practical task ;0)
10. It's April, APRIL. As my lovely man said this morning as he staggered around our room in an attempt to wake up enough to haul his tired self off to work. '...April has kind of taken us by suprise' he's not wrong. It was January last time I checked.
Feel free to leave a comment below.....still in decision about the perfume thing ;)
Sunday, 7 April 2013
There are new highs, new lows.
The dark times feel like they are looming, waiting to pounce, for something to....just....tip....the....balance which makes it all fall apart.
But for now we are walking the tightrope of life, that's what it feels like doesn't it with two little ones?
Making sure everyone is all fed, happy, clean and smiling, while trying to keep oneself sane so the wheels on this wagon don't fall off,
that would be bad,
I am thankful for help,
for funds to fund the help,
help is good,
we all need help.
There are moments when such contentment washes over,
Joy, relief and excitement that we have created our family.
What will the future hold ?
I get the feeling this is the hardest part we are in right now,
It's damn hard work,
I have always liked hard work,
So rewarding, such joy, such fear, so many unknowns and uncontrollables.
Babies are cute,
babies need care ALL THE TIME.
Families were made to be big,
I need family, our extended family, and my immediate family,
for love, unconditional love.
'Too tired for niceties, but still love' - love,
that's the Love I'm talking about.
Food, that's good too, lots of it we have had,
bought by friends,
so many friends,
unique and kind.
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
Although energy hasn't allowed much blogging from me over the past few months, I have been reading lots of fantastic writing and snippets from other blogs, so thought I would share a few.
I have been chewing over some ideas of how I want to write, create and change this blog maybe a wee bit. Moving towards writing a bit more about my faith, questions I have, things which inspire and challenge, and of course still some ramblings about daily life in Deane-ville.
'Space in the middle' - Interesting thoughts on when we are in that in between stage in life, or waiting for something to change. A guest post for this blog which I love to read....she writes with humour and honesty which are infectious.
'Day with Evelyn' - A day with a two year old.....made my days seem a little less hectic !
'Ressurection' - Poetic and eloquent prose on the resurrection.
'Thoughts on the hijab' - What is says really !
'late note' - humorous and brief.
.....and lastly this blog, one I have read for a while, the lady who writes it I know, and over the last year she has reformed her blog a little, and I really like what she writes and shares. She is a talented photographer and a mother to five lovely children. At times I read her blog and if i'm honest feel envious of her capacity for life, but one thing I love about her writing is how real it is, she doesn't pretend to be a superwoman and writes with great openess and humour about how some days she is spinning lots of plates and just about keeping them all in the air.
(Secretly I think most people who read her blog thinks she is a superwoman and I would kind of agree.....Eshet Chayill Sarah ! )
In the space between reading these blogs, my days are mostly filled with filling small people with food, then emptying the nappies they fill with said food, then filling my stomach so I can keep filling them. The circle of life has many facets !