Choice and Enjoyment !

The thing is, you see. 

Most of the time these days we tend to decide when to have kids.

I have pondered this a lot recently.

When watching 'call the midwife' along with lots of other Mothers around the world I marvelled at the fact that babies got left sat in prams outside on their own. Now yes, 'times then were different' but not that different from a babies perspective !

With recent obvious events in my life I have pondered how much I am 'enjoying' being a mother. It's something I have always looked forward to, as I've spend much of my life caring for other people's kids, so kind of looked forward to having my own. As a teenager I cared for triplets and thought nothing of giving them all tea, bathing them and getting them into bed. These days I sometimes break out into a cold sweat when Daddy is late home and I am left to fend for myself, so what has changed- oh yeah, I am a Mum all the time, not just twice a week, and am now 32 and not 15 !!
Most of the time, I find it incredibly enjoyable, rewarding and fulfilling. I don't struggle to see it as a valid thing to spend ones hours changing nappies and wiping noses, my own Mother spent lots of time drilling in to me that it is just as valid a thing to do with ones time than anything else, if not more so.

Anyway I digress, I think what I am trying to get at, is, Women in the 50s didn't seem to feel at all guilty about not taking their kids to endless 'groups' and instead of this, leaving them much of the time to entertain themselves while they spent their hours doing jobs which we now handily delegate to our machines, ( oh how I love our machines ) is because back then, to put it plainly if you had sex then it was likely you were gonna have babies. So Women had them young, and lots of them, without huge amounts of conscious decision. So having feelings of 'I just want to do something more fun today' or 'really, do I have to get up and be a patient, kind and loving mother AGAIN' were thoughts which came without any stigma, as well, if something kind of happens to you without much 'choice' then one seems more allowed to not enjoy it !

Now most of us take pills, use contraception and are more in control of how many and when we have kids, so having these thoughts are instantly recognised as negative. Instead we think we SHOULD enjoy every moment, we stroll into Mamas and Papas and are sold a dream hung on wooden coat hangers, down lit with co ordinated items, beautifully displayed, peaceful and idyllic. The reality however is different. Emotions run high, kids cry, Parents argue, Hormones go crazy, and can leave Ladies all over the world feeling guilty if we don't enjoy every moment, don't feel fulfilled at home, and don't always want to get up and face the day, we feel like we are bad Mothers and abnormal.

I, like hoards of other women have had days like these. Is it PND ? is it just normal...? there are fine lines in-between these things ey.

But I think when one chooses to do something, one feels like 'I chose it, so therefore I should continue to want it all the time'. But I am discovering just like a purchase of a new handbag, motherhood can have days where it's not quite as nice as we thought when we first bought into it !

So I guess I am learning to give myself permission to not always want to spend time with my kids, not always want to breastfeed at 4am, and not always enjoy watching cbeebies and saying 'No' for the hundredth time this week.

I mostly love it, but am learning not to feel scared of myself, of my emotions when I don't.

Just thought I'd share, as I know I'm not alone.

So Ladies and Gents, while I am not suggesting we all leave our babies out to amuse themselves or suddenly revolt from our playgroup attendance, I think we maybe need to realise that just because we chose to have kids, doesn't always mean we will enjoy every minute !

My kids are cute, oh yes, and I love being a mum, maybe more than some, I kind of feel like its one of the few things I am kind of good at, looking after kids, but sometimes I don't like it, or them !

There I said it !

Ps
I apologise for my poor grammar, spelling and sentence structure, but you see I was up at midnight with a toddler who wanted to tidy up, and at 3am with a hungry baby, so suck it up people !!!