Have you ever climbed up a really big hill?
And as you approach what you believe to be the top, you see, that there is in fact, a whooole lot more hill to climb. But when standing at the bottom, you couldnt see the actual top, just the 'pretend' top ?
Well right now, that's about where I am at with this whole CFS/ME malarky.
compared to this time last year, I am ooodles (I love that word) better.
I can walk around a shop, I can go to playgroup with the kids, I can make it to church most weeks. I can sometimes cook a meal.
I find it hard to describe the feelings of elation at getting a bit of energy back after a prolonged period of absence. The other day, I stood in my kitchen and wiped things, I made things shiny ! Granted, someone else had swept and mopped and done lots of the other jobs, but just being able to stand for longer makes so many more things possible.
Yesterday, I found myself feeling down, just fed up, frustrated and trapped.
After some time mulling it over a bit, it dawned on me. I have had this condition for over 10 years, I have experienced times where it has been fairly mild, and times when its been severe, but its been there since I was 23. Thats a long time. And some days, it it just feels too much.
I keep kind of hoping that I would morph into someone who has no desire to go for long walks, or go for a jog, or go canoeing, or body boarding, or swimming in open water half way up a hill, or do a job which uses my talents or I worked hard to train for, chat at a party, or go to a conference for a full day, or, you get the picture.
But I haven't, I still want to do all those things. I know some people don't but I did, and still do, and its like i'm in a prison not being allowed by my body to do them.
If a Doctor could give me more of a reason why I have limited energy, I am unsure if it would make it any easier, but it would be nice to know anyhow.
Having spent months revelling in the joy of being able to go out together as a family, socialise a bit more, chat a bit more, create and enjoy, a bit more...I want more.
I just want more.
It's like I have reached the 'fake top', and I can see what else there is to grasp at.
People say to me, ' ahh yes, but when you have kids everything is more limited and you can't do the things you want to'.... well yes, but I couldnt do them before I had kids !
So here I am, half way up my hill, so very happy to have made it this far, but ohhh so desperate to leave my 'half way camp' and climb to the top.