Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Ten on Tuesday

......speedily speeding through a quick ten on tuesday

1. We're starting to work on developing some Deane Christmas traditions, so far it's christmas pyjamas for Christmas eve, and a trip to delemere forest to buy the tree are on the list.

2. We had our first night away without our little Tike. Was very lovely, we went to a friend's wedding in the lakes, and stayed in a lovely hotel. Yes, a hotel - not a tent, or a friends spare room, but a HOTEL ! I did miss her, until a small baby on the next table at the wedding started whinging at around 5pm !

3. My Ebay habit is getting a little out of hand. But I did get a great all in one puddle suit for Willow, however, I then discovered that a friend of mine and I who have littlies the same age, had been bidding against each other for the same things. How stupid is that ?

4. The Bin men on our street must think I fancy them, ... Willow loves watching them do their bin man business, so I have to stand there like a lemon with her til all the bins are emptied and the van has driven out of sight.

5.  Chrissy to win 'i'm a celebrity'.........yes I am a trashy tv addict, but I do listen to radio 4 to balance myself out a little.

6. I am hoping that Father Christmas is going to bring me some of these... well I know he is, cos i'm going to buy them on his behalf.....

7. This Sunday, while sitting in a hotel longue, with a of cup of tea and cake in hand, I saw a photo of a Lady with her little baby strapped to her back, a pick axe in her grasp as she walked barefoot to do a days work down a mine..... kind of puts my struggles into perspective a little.

8. Advent is on it's way, this year I am trying to get a bit into the advent thing, to prepare myself a bit to reflect on Jesus and what His birth did/does and continues to mean.

9. Willow has now started saying 'muuuum' in a way I had hoped she wouldn't adopt for at least a few years, a kind of whiney sound. Oh and she also says 'car' like she has been to 'how to speak like a scouser' school.

10. Sorry Joe Mceldrey, but Michael Buble's christmas C D is much better than yours.

Some other blogger ladies I know write a '10' on this here day of the week, check em out if you'r in the mood.......



Monday, 28 November 2011

A few mundane and fanciful thoughts.

Ever since the last episode in the series of 'Beeny's restoration knightmare' I have often found myself wondering how they'r getting on. They have really got under my skin, and i'm not entirely sure why. It could be that there are elements of their lifestyle which i'd like, or things about the way they do things which seem fun. But I have almost come to think of them as people I know, which is of course entirely ridiculous.

For those of you who haven't a clue what i'm on about, Sarah Beeny is a property developing kind of lady, who often hosts tv shows about other people's redevelopment plans. But this time in 'documentary fly on the wall' style, they have followed her and her husbands journey through the restoration of their hooouuuuuuuge country hall/house type mansion......'Rise Hall'.

I think all of us have a TV personality we assimilate to. For some it's Nigella, ooozing feminitiy and a kind of 'naughty domestic goddess in suspenders' type of character. I lack the cleavage or love for food to feel I have a connection with her. Yes I like cooking and baking, but not quite to the extent she takes it.
Then there's Kirsty Alsop and her 'homemade home', I see a bit of myself in her, I like to make things, and do crafty creations, but don't quite share her taste in what i call, 'extreme vintage mumsiness', so at this point, Kirsty and I part ways. There are also the Trinny and Susannas/Gok Wans of this world, who want to style everyone to within an inch of their lives, again, I like clothes but get fed up with hearing the phrase 'bang on trend' so have to decline their offer of fashion aspirations. No, i'm decided, for me, Sarah Beeny kind of fits the bill, I am in reality, nothing like her. But I do find myself thinking that under different circumstance I could be !......... It is entirely nonsensical , but when I watch her mending things, sawing wood and generally getting stuck into a task, I find myself thinking, ' I could do that' or more often than not ' I'd love to do that'.

But then, I look around and see I live in a brand new house which needs no refurbishment, don't quite have the cash to fund such a project, and although I would love to have 4 children swimming in our own private lake, I have one little beauty and a tiny ( but lovely) garden. I don't feel envious of her, I am very content with my circumstances, it's more a sense of living a little dream of mine through someone else on tv.

So, do tell, which one are you..... ?

Are you a alsop wanna be ? a kindred spirit with Kirsty, or like me, a 'bang a nail in the wall beeny' ?!

and I guess if your a male species, then this post is clearly a little dull..... sorry.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Reflections, thoughts and nostalgia.....

Although it was over a year ago when I was propelled into the world of being someone's mother, I have only just managed to sit back, look through some pictures, video clips, diary entries and reflect. Reflect on the year, the year of immense joy, exhuastion, confusion, happy times, tearful times, and desperately dark times.
Having a baby is a weird and wonderful thing, It has been something I have wanted ever since I can remember. and I feel immensely privileged to have been able to have my little tike. So many people don't who long to, not quite sure why it has happened to me, but I am grateful for it everyday. And I can say, a year on, I love being a Mum, I feel like I was born to do it.

In some ways the shock of having a newborn wasn't as much as i thought it would be, I had braced myself for this almighty change that everyone tells you, 'you can't ever prepare yourself for'. I found it just as i thought it would be i think. I was sleep deprived, but deeply satisfied. I'm not sure weather the years of having CFS had prepared me for coping with life being clouded by fatigue, but I seemed to navigate the first few months kind of ok, and definitely better than I had expected. I was fine with spending lots of time in my pyjamas, it was nice to have a reason for it. For once I felt like I wasn't abnormal feeling exhausted and not getting dressed til midday. That's what all first time Mums do isn't it ? Willow fed lots, the nipples cracked ( the people who say breastfeeding only hurst at first if you'r doing it 'wrong' are liars ), Dad retreated to the spare room in a bid for at least one of us to be sleeping, and the lovely visitors arrived with presents ! - I loved the presents :)
Those first few months are so very special, lots of cuddles, I loved the cuddles. Willow spent many hours asleep lying on my chest, I wasn't in too much of a rush to put her in her own bed, I knew this time would be fleeting, the night feeds, cuddles, and shushing, I wanted to treasure it, even if in hinds sight it probably made me unwell. I'd still do it again.

Willow was never really a screamer, if she was being cuddled, she was very content. So I just went with that, and it worked, contrary to popular opinion, she did learn to sleep in her own bed, did sleep through the night ( although she has lately changed that plan), and her Dad is firmly sleeping in our bed again. The luxury of the first baby is you can do all this, not sure how it'll be if another one arrives, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Willow wanted to be close to me, why wouldn't she? she spent 9 months inside me - how weird is that !!?? really really weird. Why wouldn't she want to sleep with her ear on my chest where she could hear the familiar sound of my heart beat, she knew it's sound far better than I have ever heard it.

But the newborn months don't last long, then came weaning. And around this time, about february, lots of things kind of fell apart a bit. The fatigue became debilitating. Life got really really hard. Friends helped, meals were provided, family stepped in and we got through, just about. At times I really did feel like I was going to go a bit mad, I stopped sleeping and the fear of never being able to look after my child as the fatigue overwhelmed me, became unbearable. I'll never know if it was delayed PND, the stress of moving just before giving birth, or just the plain old difficulty of having a baby, breastfeeding and caring for a child when my energy was already a lot lower than 'normal', I'll never know. But true to the cliche, I do feel stronger having lived through that time, and to some extent have come out the other side. Does it make me scared of ever going through that again, that nasty stage where my body cries out in exhuastion that I have created another person, squeezed it out, fed it and tending to it 24/7, yes it does. It really does.

There have been little holidays, her first paddle in a welsh river, a trip to the beach, baths in the paddling pool in the garden. Lots of fun at Nan's house, and trying to eat tadpoles in the pond and my parents. She has had a good first year I think, so many people who love her and want to make her happy.



The best part about her first year, is that I haven't gone through it alone. I, and she, are very fortunate not just to be 2. There are 3 in our immediate family- the family who live in our house. But there are lots more who contribute in love, time and energy.

I loved her first birthday. It was so much better than I had anticipated. My energy is still very limited, so I had prepared myself for it being a bit of a non event. But the sun shone, and the CFS monster allowed me to have a few lovely celebrations. I created her first birthday cake, tesco made the sponge and the icing, i just put it together and made it look pretty, the fun part i guess ! She did get to wear the lovely dress I wanted her to, she attempted to blow out her candle, and when she went to bed that night. I really did feel a sense of achievement.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Precious moments

Willow and her little Pal. these two are so very sweet together, well, maybe the word is more scary than sweet. They both have a preference for hair pulling, and grabbing but always greet each other with a laugh and a giggle. 

More balcony time.....

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Ten on Tuesday

I like to read the guardian at the weekends, (well usually the magazine bit and the travel and familly suppliments ) Tim dowling writes in the magazine, he is a self confessed moaning kind of guy, I find him more than a little annoying, and am still befuddled as to how he got that job. He rants on and on about his wife and how bad everything they do is/goes. This week I risk sounding a bit like him as I write, Willow is keeping us up at night and to be honest I'm just a bit grumpy today. Don't say I didn't warn you.......

1. I have loads of clear plastic packets with 'spare' buttons in. Are they ever likely to be there when i actually need one, No. They are just cluttering up my bedroom which already resembles a jumble sale. Hummpph. But i can't bear to throw them out, cos sod's law says a button will fall off as soon as I do.

2. Willow now says: Hiya, Daddy, Nanny, Shoes, teddy, Bob ( the builder) Mummy, tent, cake, and no - I am quite proud of her word choices so far. Cake and Shoes are my favourite by far.

3. This is perhaps the most ugly pig I have ever seen. He lives on a little farm not far from where we live. Poor guy, it's not his fault he can't see cos his ears are too big.....But I do think he's lovely in a kind of 'ugly pig' way.

4. My salt dough creations are coming along nicely, they have been painted red and have shiny silver ribbon on, all ready to decorate the house with. I love a bit of homemade festivities.

5. I am trying to decide if it's just that I was in 'post baby haze' last year during the festive season, or has christmas gone up a gear ? It feels a bit like father christmas has taken speed and is whipping everyone into a frenzy a month early.

6.  We had a minor meltdown in our house today, when I said 'no' to Willow's request to watch the clip of herself laughing posted on my facebook page for the 6th time in one day. Who needs cbeebies when you can watch yourself on the silver screen...........ahem, drama queen in the making?

7. A lovely friend of mine came to my rescue today and let me have an hours kip. Once I had resurfaced we finished the afternoon in tesco cafe, having decided there was insufficient food in the house to feed our littlies, we went to the cafe to feed them their tea. Lets just say, it was like the circus arriving in town. But my kitchen looked less like a food fight had taken place in it, so that was good :)

8.  Eight is my favourite number, just thought you might like to know.

9. We have started watching 'I'm a celebrity'. I like to balance my musings on world poverty, politics, and the problems of child explotaion, with the more serious issues of which minor celebrity can eat a kangaroo testicle. I do find it engrossing, and my love for people watching gets fed. What else is there to do at 9pm on a wintery night anyway ??

10. Willow has a fascination with these bunny ears. She likes to wear them on her head or around her neck, if i'm very lucky she lets me wear them too. I love my girl, she's a total loony but just scrumptious.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Monkey, Mostaches and a confession.....

'Movember' got taken a step too far in our house. 

During a recent trip to the safari park, this hairy fella jumped on our bonnet, which is after all why we went to the safari park. Willow was overjoyed as he proceeded to chew off the rubber nozzles which squirt the screen wash out. He knew exactly what he was looking for, I'm convinced that somewhere in Knowsley there is a scrap yard which is sourced by these cheeky monkeys. ( and if there isn't, then maybe a good idea for the next disney pixar ?)   

And with no link whatsoever to the above................
A confession I feel compelled to share.

Ever sponsored a kid for a charity event, and thought, ' how do I know that they are going to give that money to charity and not just spend it' ? Maybe you haven't, but maybe you should.....

When I was about 11, a friend and I tied ourselves together all day to raise money for children in need, or red nose day, i forget which one, anyway, walking round together all day we managed to raise the slightly  unprincely sum of £12, i can remember the figure well.

After a few weeks I took it to the post office to send the money in, that's what you did in those days, no pay by text. When i got to the post office, I decided to spend a bit of it, and then pay it back after. As you can imagine, this never happened and the cash never reached the vulnerable, hungry children in far flung countries, but bought me something, so naff and insignificant, I can't remember what it was.

Yes I know it's bad, and I am even shocked at my behaviour 18 years on........

Children aren't as honest as you think, even those that seem that way. Can you imagine this little cutie, doing such a thing .......?

Only time will tell if my thieving genes have been passed on !

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Beautiful morning

This morning I woke up bleary eyes as usual, but the slightly grey morning which greeted me, slowly gave way to a fresh, bright, crisp autumn one.

It's amazing how it's the small things which can make or break your day with little ones isn't it ? Willow happily sat in her cot while I used the hairdryer ( she HATES the hairdryer), a dry straight fringe always makes my day feel better. Then we hopped in a taxi to take us to a friend's house who looked after Willow for me while I attended a Clinic appointment. We got our usual very friendly taxi driver, always lifts the pushchair in, and is just a generally nice guy, even when I left the house without sufficient funds to pay him. It's nice to be nice.

I then enjoyed something today which I rarely do, I walked the short distance from my friend's to the Surgery - without a pushchair ! :) it felt quite odd, but freeing too. I love walking, It's not something I am able to do a great deal, but I'd always prefer to walk somewhere if I can, rather than drive. I think you miss out on a bit of life if you just go from brick house to metal car, we were made to be in the fresh air, it's good for the soul.

So that's it really, a happy morning, followed by a restful afternoon while Willow was spoilt rotten by her Nan....... ( guess what large, yellow stuffed toy character awaited her as she arrived.......... ! ) They are just brilliant with her, and they are one of life's blessings to us.

On that note, I should get off the sofa and go round and get her and the large garish addition to her toy collection.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Ten on Tuesday

definitely not the most inspired entry i've ever written, but here it is .........

1. Willow is now walking, bye bye baby, hello toddler. This is clearly not a photo of her walking but is very cute anyway, so thought i'd share.

2. Having finally bought some bulbs for the garden, i guess they need emerging into the soil if there is any hope of any spring colour in our garden next year. 

3. As my little tot is now tottering, i think a trip to clarks is on the horizon. I love shoes, and am going to revel in picking her first pair. I don't think it'll be long until she chooses her own, so i am going to enjoy every minute of it while it lasts.

4. Like most people, I am a bit sick of hearing about the euro crisis, and wonder if China would like to buy my debt too ? At the moment it's firmly in the paws of Mr Branson and I would happily get rid of it altogether....

5. I've been watching the 'Frozen Planet', the penguins are just hilarious. It's definitely worth a watch. 

6. The cold is beginning to set in, I am really not a fan of wearing socks, but have resided myself to the fact that, yes is November and yes i do have cold ankles. 

7. My lovely other half just had a birthday, and is now the proud owner of an iphone 4S. 'Siri' has now taken my place in his life and reminds him about all the things he needs to remember . Feeling slightly pushed out :-/

8. Willow has done the thing that every slightly 'arty' mother dreads. She likes large, colourful, tacky, teddies. I am happy with small cuddly disney characters, But do we really need a huge winnie the pooh in our house ? really ? I saw a very lovely soft cute looking bunny in the 'white company' catalogue, i'm sure that is the better choice, and would definitely not clash with any chosen colour schemes in our house. 

9. At some point soon I am going to have to get to the Library to return the books we borrowed a looooooong time ago. I think i was wearing flipflops at the time and the copy of 'nigella's christmas' certainly looked out of place on our bookshelf, That's the trouble with libraries you have to take things back. 

10. I introduced Willow to MC Hammer this morning, she wasn't impressed. When i work out how to put youtube clips on here,  you may get to listen !

Sunday, 13 November 2011

My inner hippie cometh out to play.

I have always been a bit of a tree hugging wanna be, i think it harks back to my tie dye wearing, vegetarian eating teenage years. I loved a bit of a chick pea curry and a dance around a field to a bit of folk music. But these days I find myself eating meat, which is rarely organic, listening to Will young - yes i admit i do like him. And throwing the odd plastic container in the normal bin cos taking it to where we keep our recycling is just too much effort.

There seems to be such a huge gap between what would be classed as 'mainstream' lifestyle habits, and those who actually do live a sustainable, ethical lifestyle. I like to think there is a middle ground, but after years of mulling this one over, I'm not sure there is. What is the point of me buying one dress from people tree, if my sunglasses are £1 from primark ? I have slowly waded my way through the thick treacly effort of ethical daily living, to the dry and easy island of ' ah well you can only do what you can do ey'.

Why should there be countless Indian children poisioned by the run off from living next to a dumping ground for all our electrical waste, just so i can have a flatter tv with a better screen ? Yes our old phones do have to go somewhere. And why should someone the same age as me be mining metals with their bare hands, so the chip in my laptop will work and won't cost us huge amounts of money ?

Having spent many years, writing to MPs, lobbying the bods in charge to make changes, I still find myself more often than not, buying a pair of shoes I know won't have been made in good conditions, and munching on a tasty orange which has probably been picked by someone in bonded labour. Let alone all the damage I do to the environment by not disposing of things properly..... tell me i'm not the only one who throws batteries in the bin cos i'm too lazy to recycle them at the local tip ?

So, I have no answers, and maybe this post is more a way of a public confession to make me feel better next time I drive to McDonalds, or decide i simply HAVE to have another pair of £2 flipflops cos the others don't match my earings ...........

So share any thoughts you have on this, i'd love to hear your views and ideas.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

A cloudy week.

It's been a funny week, kind of daunted as to what to 'blog' about, as to be honest, not that much has happened. I am usually the master of making even the most mundane occurrence fun, and report it with great gusto, but this week The CFS monster has been out to play and has kept me a bit cooped up at home. A few plans cancelled which I was looking forward to, and a feeling of frustration hovering over me like a cloud on a dreary day. 
There have been a little outing or two to a baby group thanks to a very lovely 'Mummy friend' who came to whisk Willow and I away to a room filled with toys and places for Willow to roam. But there has been a lot of time in bed, and lying on the longue floor while Willow crawls around and gets up to mischief. 

When I started writing a blog, i never set out for it to be about CFS, as i don't like to give it that much of a place in my life, but it really does affect everything so it's difficult not to include it really. As I write I start to think of the things that have happened, and there are often more than I realise, so i guess that's a good thing ....................

I met my friends new little squashy baby, weighing in at a whopping 11lbs, he was a delight to cuddle, and squeeze. A beautiful boy. There is something so special about new babies, they bring so much hope, optimism and innocence. 

I also dipped my toe in the world of making ' salt dough', and I have to say I am rather pleased with the result. It has taken me a few days to clear up the mess and dry out the little creations. But we are well on the way to having some heart shaped christmas decorations to hang about the place when the festive season arrives. For me completing little creative projects like these are essential, they often take me twice as long as they should, as I get exhausted mid way through, and have to wait til another little portion of energy arrives to complete the task, but when I hang something on my wall, or send a little card in the post, it gives me a sense of achievement that watching TV all day just doesn't do.

One positive about having very limited energy, is that the thai meal I was hoping to cook to celebrate the Hubster's birthday, is now going to be cooked for us by a delicious thai restaurant, who also do take away - Wonderful.......... It will taste better, and they'll be no washing up to sit on the kitchen table for a few days til someone throws it in the dishwasher. 
So, while I have shed a tear or two about not being able to cook for my beloved, I am thankful to 'chilli banana' and their culinary delights. 

And a cheery, silly picture, to end a rather 'cloudy' post....

What more do you need in life, than your Gramps and a Rhubarb leaf as an umbrella ?

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Ten on Tuesday

Yes I know it's not Tuesday, but I started writing this on tuesday so hoping that counts......

1.Today was vaccination day in our house. Willow cried lots, but after cuddles, milk and calpol were administered smiles returned and tears were left behind.

2. At the said visit for the injections, Willow had a little crawl around the waiting room, and decided to do a little bit of 'sorting out' of the leaflets stand. The chlamydia info sheet was her leaflet of choice, so they were strewn all around and crushed and crawled on. Never too early to start sex ed ey ........?

3. My lovely Mum came to stay last night, she left this afternoon, and left behind flowers, a cleaner kitchen and a happier Daughter and Granddaughter. She's a legend my Mum.

4.Tortilini, it's pasta, but with a little treat inside it. But the treat often tastes a bit weird. Not sure I like it.

5.There are lots of money off vouchers written on bits of paper, floating around our house. But they NEVER EVER seem to be where they need to be at the right time to actually be of any use. It drives me mad ! - Their presence in my purse or on the kitchen table serve as a constant reminder that I'm wasting money, But am I ? Maybe my lack of organisation in using these blessed things is more a stab at remaining in control of when/where and how I spend our money ? Or maybe, just maybe it's because our house runs on a pretty thin tightrope of coping with daily life, and the saving 5p here and there really isn't as important as our sanity ....... 

6. I have lately been feeding my ever present desire to travel to South East Asia. A little look at some photos like these.... 

and a little gander at flight prices, are all contributing to my theoretical plans. What on earth makes me think I would have the energy to go backpacking around Vietnam i don't know, never mind with a 1 year old in tow.
But a girls gotta dream ey.

7.We have had an addition of one of these into our house lately.

Yes it is a pink monstrosity, but boy does it get used a lot. Whoever designed this eyesore knew what they were doing. If you have a lively 1 year old, i'd recommend one of these. They can get on it on their own, so you can lay on the sofa and watch them - no action required.

8. Stumbled across these little cheery fellas in the lovely 'cox and cox' catalogue, i think they would be a lovely addition to my hallway.

9. Christmas shopping has begun, not entirely necessary yet, but I like buying things, so it's just a way of buying things I'm meant to be buying rather than things I shouldn't be. ( that said I did find a lovely ring for £2 the other day in Dorothy Perkins, would've been rude not to at that price wouldn't it ? ) Did i mention i live across the road from a retail park? I can see the fluorescent signs luring me into their glare from my bedroom window. I am more of a 'little independant shops on a cobbled street' shopper, but when you can only walk a short distance and that takes you to a train station in one direction, or the retail park in the other, it's a given that i end up being dragged kicking and screaming into their doors to spend our cash.

10. This week I have been pondering this shocking statistic.....'The United Nations estimated that 2 - 4 Million women and children are trafficked around the world for purposes of forced prostitution, labour and other forms of exploitation every year.' This is just horrific. I find myself at a total loss as to what to do about it. There are hundreds of people campaigning and fighting against this monstrous criminal activity. But I can't help but think there is more should be doing to contribute to fighting against this evil which is so deeply embedded into our world.  I'm not sure if it's enough to just sit back and hope and pray that someone else somewhere will sort it out. 

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Remember remember the 5th of November

One of my favourite nights of the year. A slightly toned down version due to the little ones in tow. But fun none the less......

Mmmmmm a sugar coated apple ..........Having recently had a rather lengthy discussion on Facebook about teeth brushing, the use of toothpaste or not, what a bottle can do to damage your child's teeth, and how milk last thing at night is bad. All rational went out the window when the toffee apples came out to play ...... oh and yes i did forget to brush her teeth afterwards......

Delicious toffee apples made by my very talented friend.....

Glow sticks a ( fairly poor) substitute to a sparkler for young little paws ....

Thank you Guy Faulks for make a naughty plan, I enjoy celebrating your 'not quite completed' gunpowder plot.

Friday, 4 November 2011

A weekend rhyme

Friday is here, it's taken a while,
The morning is dragging as i look at the washing pile.
The weekend could not come soon enough,
This weeks been a long one, with ofsted and stuff.
Ofsted is a real pain, no one likes it at all,
But for once Mr D ironed his shirt, so that's a bonus even if small.

Bonfire night is here once more, all sparklers, bangers and fire,
i love the excitement as everyone gathers, to oohhh, ahhhh and inspire.
This day 6 years ago a husband I found, down on one knee in the park,
He asked me to be his wife, none of this posh restaurant malark,
Why he wanted me as his bride, was it my personality or love for life ?
Apparently not, but my tight ass which made him want me as his wife !

We'r not really too civilised in our house you know,
Wearing a warm hat and wellies it's off to the park we go.
Walking through leaves, stamping in the mud, cold noses all glowing red,
Children out a little bit whiney cos really they should be in bed.
So here ends my rather childish rhyme, pretend I am still nine,
Wrap up warm, enjoy the fireworks and on toffee apples do dine.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

The Monster and I.

Most of us have a Monster which lurks somewhere in our lives, waiting to pounce, to annoy, to frustrate plans, joy and the smooth running of life.

The more i notch up years on this earth, the more I realise, few people's lives are easy, pain free or happy all the time.

7 years ago my Monster came to find me, and has kind of turned everything topsy turvy ever since. CFS ( chronic fatigue syndrome ) It's a funny old one, not life threatening, not degenerative but still Chronic none the less. It swept me off my feet, and not in a good way. Many hopes and dreams, not huge and lofty, just everyday things, qualifying as a teacher, spending time with friends, working, cooking, walking, have all been taken away to some degree or other. 

I am by nature a pretty 'glass half full' kinda girl. After spending years of trying to think - it's not that bad really, and madly adjusting my life so it doesn't consume me totally, I have since concluded that actually it is quite horrid, it isn't what God planned for me, and no i don't enjoy watching copious amounts of tv in my pyjamas all day cos i can't do anything else. 

There are plenty of days when the CFS monster stays firmly in it's hidey hole, and I can potter about in a kind of 'what a normal person might do on a lazy day way', a short trip to the shops, a meal with friends, or tidying up and cooking a meal. I like these days, and feel fortunate to have them. Many people with CFS don't and remain bed ridden 24/7.

The thing is, is that everything takes energy, everything. And it's not until you don't have it, that you realise. Thinking, talking, listening, reading, watching, sitting rather than lying, decision making, all take energy, never mind the physical side of life. And it's these things which are the hardest struggle.

The Monster confines me to bed, in the dark, on my own...... lonely, frustrated, tired. Occasionally joyful of the rest, happy to have a bit of time on my own with a good run of 'come dine with me to watch', or an obscure interview on radio 4, but mostly it's not where I want to be.

I am more at home pottering in the garden, getting on a bus to work, going for a swim, talking, talking, talking. Doing things for others, cooking, and nesting. Don't get me started on nesting, i love to nest. Some people reserve this past time for week 37 of their pregnancy, i am in a constant state of wanting to feather my nest for anyone who wants to dwell there. I don't like watching others do it for me, it's my nest and I want to clean it, tidy it and provide for those in it.

But today is a good day, I am going out with my daughter, there are adjustments that I have made which I don't even think about now, but occasionally i stop and think, ' this is crazy' most people don't have to pack a changing bag in the lightest possible vessle with the minimun in it, cos other wise i can't carry it and the extra weight will mean It would leave me achy and exhuasted for a few days after. Or 'no I can't stay out for more than an hour or two - cause talking to you is draining me totally'.

However, the Monster hasn't taken my close friends, they are strictly off limits. It's tried, but credit to them, they haven't let it. Friends, Family, and my wonderful caring, loving, heavenly Father are still as they were, and for them I am more grateful that I think they realise. Helping me to live, to get out, to rest when I need to, to eat a proper meal not just biscuits, and to laugh along in the midst of what is sometimes just plain silliness. I mean, who sits in their sitting room and combs their hair with a fork which was on the floor from yesterdays tea, cos they haven't got the energy to walk up the stairs to get their hairbrush ? That is just silly.

I am hoping to say farewell to my monster one day soon, but until that day I shall acknowledge it's presence, ( ignoring it really just makes it more vicious and powerful) and live within what It permits me to do. 

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Ten on Tuesday

1. It's Satsuma season, hooray for the Orange's little cousin......

2. I have recently concluded that if you stick with one supermarket it makes life less stressful and the offers will soon come your way if you wait, why chase round after them ? Let them come to you. The amount of time and energy we use on chasing a bargain, saving just a few pennies. I am all for being thrifty, but i wonder if this is becoming an unhealthy obsession. Getting more for less, getting, getting, buying, wanting. Too much.

3. I'm a bit of a recycling/make do with what you can scrounge kind of girl. Mostly due to lack of funds to buy things new, but I do derive great pleasure in rescuing things from skips, grabbing a charity shop bargain or housing a piece of furniture someone is throwing out. Repaint it, throw a cushion on it and hey presto you have a new thing. Most of the interior of our house has been acquired this way. But the thing is, you still have to spend just a few quid on making it your own, and this is a frustration of mine. But with shoplifting not being an option, I will have to look deep behind the sofa cushions for pennies to pay for my next pot of paint/ball of wool.

4. I recently logged onto ebay to buy some christmas fabric, thinking of wrapping presents in fabric this year, then it can be re used over and over, and will look nice too. Have you ever heard of a 'Fat Quarter' ? 'FQ' to the real know it alls  - this is what squares of fabric are measured in...........who knew. Thinking of buying some of this.

1/2 YARD Deck The Halls Christmas fabric by Michael Miller!

5. Hugh Laurie has a new 'do' at the start of the new season of House, not sure i like it - the hair, or the new season.

6. Made in Chelsea, yes I watch it, i know, i know, it's a shockingly bad thing to admit, but it's true. Spencer and Caggy, will they/won't they ?? No matter how much champagne you drink and Chanel bags you have, Love and relationships are still the same. If you haven't seen it, it is worth watching just once for a laugh.

7. Autumn is firmly on our doorstep, and this year I think the light has been especially lovely. The kind which makes even the most unskilled photographers images look beautiful. I got a new camera last year for my 30th, and have to admit I am still slightly amiss as to how to use all the settings. I've always loved taking photos, but really should work out how to use my camera properly. As my brain is slowly coming back to life after having a baby, I should probably stop watching trashy tv and read the manual. - i'm not the manual reading type tho, more trial and error, so maybe i'll stick with that. 

8. It's slipper season- Hooray for warm toasty feet. Yes these are my feet, and yes they are huge, size 9 if you must know. 

9. Willow has created a new word this week, Daddy + Nanny = Naddy,  she was sat up in her cot saying it over and over. have to say, it freaked me out a little !

10. Spotify - where have you been all my life. You can just listen to any music you want, ANYTHING  ! It's a bit mental really, to think of all the years i have spent trying to acquire music by any means, from the old 'quick it's on the radio, press play and record at the same time' to borrowing c.d's and downloading the odd track here and there from iTunes. But now, I can listen to whatever I like. The decision anxiety has set in tho, it's a bit too much to comprehend. Am enjoying rediscovering the delight that is India Arie, vocal gold with a funky soul vibe.