Choice and Enjoyment !

The thing is, you see. 

Most of the time these days we tend to decide when to have kids.

I have pondered this a lot recently.

When watching 'call the midwife' along with lots of other Mothers around the world I marvelled at the fact that babies got left sat in prams outside on their own. Now yes, 'times then were different' but not that different from a babies perspective !

With recent obvious events in my life I have pondered how much I am 'enjoying' being a mother. It's something I have always looked forward to, as I've spend much of my life caring for other people's kids, so kind of looked forward to having my own. As a teenager I cared for triplets and thought nothing of giving them all tea, bathing them and getting them into bed. These days I sometimes break out into a cold sweat when Daddy is late home and I am left to fend for myself, so what has changed- oh yeah, I am a Mum all the time, not just twice a week, and am now 32 and not 15 !!
Most of the time, I find it incredibly enjoyable, rewarding and fulfilling. I don't struggle to see it as a valid thing to spend ones hours changing nappies and wiping noses, my own Mother spent lots of time drilling in to me that it is just as valid a thing to do with ones time than anything else, if not more so.

Anyway I digress, I think what I am trying to get at, is, Women in the 50s didn't seem to feel at all guilty about not taking their kids to endless 'groups' and instead of this, leaving them much of the time to entertain themselves while they spent their hours doing jobs which we now handily delegate to our machines, ( oh how I love our machines ) is because back then, to put it plainly if you had sex then it was likely you were gonna have babies. So Women had them young, and lots of them, without huge amounts of conscious decision. So having feelings of 'I just want to do something more fun today' or 'really, do I have to get up and be a patient, kind and loving mother AGAIN' were thoughts which came without any stigma, as well, if something kind of happens to you without much 'choice' then one seems more allowed to not enjoy it !

Now most of us take pills, use contraception and are more in control of how many and when we have kids, so having these thoughts are instantly recognised as negative. Instead we think we SHOULD enjoy every moment, we stroll into Mamas and Papas and are sold a dream hung on wooden coat hangers, down lit with co ordinated items, beautifully displayed, peaceful and idyllic. The reality however is different. Emotions run high, kids cry, Parents argue, Hormones go crazy, and can leave Ladies all over the world feeling guilty if we don't enjoy every moment, don't feel fulfilled at home, and don't always want to get up and face the day, we feel like we are bad Mothers and abnormal.

I, like hoards of other women have had days like these. Is it PND ? is it just normal...? there are fine lines in-between these things ey.

But I think when one chooses to do something, one feels like 'I chose it, so therefore I should continue to want it all the time'. But I am discovering just like a purchase of a new handbag, motherhood can have days where it's not quite as nice as we thought when we first bought into it !

So I guess I am learning to give myself permission to not always want to spend time with my kids, not always want to breastfeed at 4am, and not always enjoy watching cbeebies and saying 'No' for the hundredth time this week.

I mostly love it, but am learning not to feel scared of myself, of my emotions when I don't.

Just thought I'd share, as I know I'm not alone.

So Ladies and Gents, while I am not suggesting we all leave our babies out to amuse themselves or suddenly revolt from our playgroup attendance, I think we maybe need to realise that just because we chose to have kids, doesn't always mean we will enjoy every minute !

My kids are cute, oh yes, and I love being a mum, maybe more than some, I kind of feel like its one of the few things I am kind of good at, looking after kids, but sometimes I don't like it, or them !

There I said it !

Ps
I apologise for my poor grammar, spelling and sentence structure, but you see I was up at midnight with a toddler who wanted to tidy up, and at 3am with a hungry baby, so suck it up people !!!

The need for nurture.

If I had a machine which could translate my 3am thougts whilst lying awake in bed this blog would be a hive of activity ! But I don't, so here are a few thinkings which have been buzzing about for a week or two......

As you have probably realised from previous posts, the last few months have been ones where I have been more dependant on others for more things than usual. My lovely Husbando really has been pulling out all the stops to help me. He cooks, tidies ( sometimes ! ) does all day to day jobs and at the weekends brings me food in bed while I rest and he cares for Little Tyke. It's been an interesting road the past few months as I have pondered a lot what it means to be 'nurtured'. I have needed lots of practical help on and off for the past eight years, but practical help is different from someone or something nurturing your soul........Do you know what I mean ?

Towards the end of last year, I reached a point where I needed more than just physical rest, I had been carrying around the stressful thoughts of how to cope with another baby and other day to day life cares and they all kind of, well, got to me more than I ever thought they could. It's a scary place when you have no reserves to draw from emotionally and physically. People say  'well you just do what you have to, to cope when you have kids'  and I have always kind of lived by that. But with CFS I have been confronted once again that I can't do that - can't live by that moto. It's been difficult to come to terms with that again. You see, I am a bit of a 'get on with it' kind of person. I love to care for others and probably get too much affirmation from being able to do that, so when it all comes to a point where I cannot nurture and care for others, mainly my Husband and Daughter it kind of rocks my foundations. 

But I am learning S L O W L Y that no matter how 'capable' you are, practical, organised, a 'can do' person, you still need to be nurtured. Still need help bringing up kids, still need a friend to hear you cry when you feel like you might not actually want to care for baby growing inside you, as it feels too much......... The real nitty gritty stuff which no one likes to say.

Our souls need nurturing, sometimes by God's gentle kind words of encouragement, and sometimes by his hands and feet on this earth, our friends and family.

For me, not being able to be the Mum and Wife I would like to be is what I find the hardest. And having my husband care for me is, well, tricky for both of us. But, I have to say these last few months I have felt cared for and nurtured by him on a whole other level. My friends and family have done this too, and I realise it has been good for me, through tears and feelings of terror at the day ahead, I need to be nurtured. 

It's made me ponder showing this need more in day to day life when my energy does pick up a bit more, because, you see, another thing I have realised is largely it's me who has to make myself available to receive care, only through being vulnerable to we show people our true needs, longings and brokenness, can we receive the kindness and care they are waiting to give.

During a conversation with a close friend of mine, we were chatting about how when you become a Mum, the need for being nurtured ourselves increases. As we give out constantly, we have to get that replaced somehow, or we run dry, really dry. While many of us like to think we can just run on empty, really, we can't. As my wise friend so rightly mentioned, If we don't acknowledge our own needs, then it can make us hardened in our relationships, resentful and well, just not as nice. (I was always told the word 'nice' is bad to use, but at this juncture I think it's quite appropriate ! ) 

Today the sun is out, and I feel like I am beginning to feel ready for this next baby to take our lives by storm, with love, cuteness and the delirium only a newborn can bring. The house smells of fairy non bio as the babygros are washed, and the bottles dragged out the cupboard, all ready for his arrival. I feel ready to meet him, to give what little I have to nurturing his early days, resting in the knowledge that God will be with me, nurturing, holding, and caring for me, at times through His word, and also through the strong and capable hands of my husband ( he does have particularly large manly hands ;) ) and family. 

Bedtime story boycott

She's a sweetie pie.

Today she woke at an earlier hour than I would have liked, and remained energetic throughout the day. Just like a toddler should really, I have no complaints. By bedtime however, I was ready for her to be packed off safely in her little white cage we call a cot. There was no bedtime story, not cos she was naughty but just because I had had enough of stories, one night without one won't hurt and sometimes, just sometimes I think we can all be a bit too laboured about bedtime !

See it snap it love it

This week's theme is 

 'A moment in time' 

and this is mine.....

Four generations of ladies. My beautiful inspirational Grandma, my amazing Mummy, Myself, and my little tinker all in one shot....one moment in time.

Yes it's a bad photo, no one's looking where they should be, but it sums up us all perfectly, always chatting, never quite in sync and just a bit chaotic.

Tantrum

Today, this little character has entered a new phase, the tantrum. You wouldn't know from this picture though ey ?

Only mild ones so far, crying - not screaming, and a kind of crazy waggly dance (similar to those weird wooden toys where you press the bottom and the donkey thing collapses ) which signifies annoyance and distain for the fact I said 'no'


Today it was that we couldn't walk downstairs to get the letter from the mat cos we needed to go up the other stairs to get dressed. 


Not impressed. Not at all. 


The letter on the mat became her companion, as if i'd parted them never to be re united. It was in fact a stinky letter addressed to me, telling me bad news, but that's another story.


I have to say I like it that she's like this though. Yes it is quite annoying and inconvenient, but I love it that my girl knows what she wants, and has the freedom to express how she's feeling - Well until I kind of raised my voice and then tempted her upstairs with the promise of watching an episode of 'tiny' on the tv in mummy's room. ......you see that's just how good I am at this.................TV bribery all the way *hangs her head in shame*


I'm sure there will be more of them, then there will be a few years where they cease, then she'll be a teenager and it'll all start again.


I love her, and her crazy tantrum dancing.