Monday, 7 September 2015

A little hello.

A few weeks ago, a good friend asked me why I hadn't been blogging recently. I had to think about why. Perhaps a mixture of being up and about a bit more, but then when I have rest time, I need to sleep to recover in order to do the next block of 'activity'. There is also the fact that I waste/use up hours on Facebook, and recently have been getting stuck down the rabbit warren that is Twitter. But also, I have been reading some brilliant and challenging blogs I stumble across, and finding that what I would 'say' has already been said, so then I don't bother. 

The last 8 months or so, have mostly been lovely. Really really lovely. My two little ones are growing and developing in a way which I feel so grateful for. They are healthy and strong, have fun and amazing opportunities presented to them weekly to explore and learn, it's every parent's dream really, isn't it ? It sometimes takes my breath away when I watch them, and know how safe they are, and how much education awaits them, such a contrast to the images I see regularly on twitter of families fleeing, surviving, and dying. 

The juxtapose of my life, and what I see on social media is a head wrecker most of the time. 

I find, as I am emerging out of the 'baby stage' and on the slow road to both my kids being in some kind of education/nursery, It raises loads of emotion for me. The questions all mums have of 'what will I do now' or 'great, I can do what I'm already doing but not have to pay for childcare' etc etc. 

I think for me, it raises some disappointment and sadness. The lack of career is a tough one. My degree sits largely unused. Today both my kids are being looked after by others so I can rest, sleep and have enough of a breather to be able to function as I need to. Today, that reality feels sad. Other days, I feel nothing of that sadness, but instead the joy every mum feels of a quiet house for a few hours in amongst the chaos of life with a 2 and 4 year old. ( My 2 year old is getting louder - he is LOUD )

I think it's all about feeling I don't have a place, or fit in somewhere. Although my experience of having small children has varied lots from my peers, I have fitted in, with the chats of struggle, of tiredness, of 'will our clothes ever be folded again', not being at work all week. Before my children arrived, I inhabited a space which most twenty somethings didn't, being at home a lot during the week, but occasionally being well enough to hold down a few hours of work. 

But then, I think, I consider, I have never really been someone to 'fit in' with the standard path, so I guess I just need to bed down and find my place again. 

I read this a while ago....

' And I dig into this place, looking for truth and mining for the joy that is always in the mix. 
And as I do, I glimpse hope and possibiity looking back at me '

When I read it, my soul was shouting 'ALL THE YES'.....
This is it, just how I feel.
It was written by a brilliant lady, she blogs at 'thehippochronicles' ( crazy name for a blog ! )

Another reason I haven't blogged much, is cos I am SO very very bad at grammar, I know I am a sloppy writer, and when you read an abundance of well written blogs, It shines a mirror up to my lackadaisical approach to writing. I am no perfectionist when it comes to writing, there's no denying it !

I will leave you with some snaps of the two faces that keep me ticking along. and hopefully, a promise of some slightly more focussed blog posts again soon ! 

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

The space between.

I have been wanting to write again for a while, but I just haven't quiiiiiiite managed it.

But here I am, back in the blogging saddle and ready to go.

I've been trying to put thoughts together in my mind for a while now, about the space I occupy.

The space in-between being healthy, and being one who lives with a chronic and disabling illness.

Today I have been both packing to go camping at the weekend, and also looking into buying a mobility scooter.

I have been to toddler group with the kids, but also spent 4 hours in bed this afternoon. It's an odd place to occupy.

The space between.

I fit into both worlds, at different times.

At times I feel out of place and a fraud in both camps.

Mentally it can be tough to deal with. I have amazing friends who really 'get it'. But even for them I can make it hard, as some days I want to pretend, pretend that I don't always feel unwell, kind of like you do at the end of a virus, that my limbs and joints don't ache, and when there is lots of noise and stimulation I feel totally overwhelmed and tired.

Then some days, I realise I have to acknowledge the condition more. I am slightly disabled, and it's not only better for me to acknowledge this, but also better for the people around me.

There are weeks where I don't really think about CFS, I just move about in the little world I have created which works, happily resting and pottering about with the kids. I am so grateful that I have this luxury. There have been many times where I feared that I wouldn't make it back to this stage of energy/ health. And this fear isn't unfounded. There are many women, who, after having kids relapse for years and years and are bed bound entirely.

But then I remember... 

I remember it, when my kids don't like walking much, and that is largely because we don't, we drive everywhere, even to the shop across the road.

I remember it, when the weekends have to factor in a few hours sleep for me.

I remember it, when to enable my husband and I to socialise one evening, I need a lie in, then a long sleep all afternoon.

I remember it, when we need a second income, but I am not well enough to go out and earn some pennies.

The space between 'normal' energy, health, and living with chronic illness is at times an uncomfortable and confusing place.