Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Ten on Tuesday

1. Today is Tuesday, My little tyke has just decided that she can say 'Toosday' It's very sweet, and if you ask her what day of the week it is, on any day, she will tell you it's 'Toosday' kind of while she nods her head in a matter of fact way. I love her.

2. My friend gave us this just after Willow was born, and this week it is the favourite book of the moment..... A wonderful story poem thingy, with gorgeous illustrations. 

3. We have just ran out of Fabric conditioner, and I am slightly ashamed to say I feel quite excited that I get to buy a new one and try out a new smell !!  

4. I Watched a bit of 'live in hackney' concert which radio 1 put on at the weekend. Jack White was playing, the crowd were bouncing, made me nostalgic for my mosh pit days. It's been too long since I've been to a gig and need to rectify this imbalance one day when the energy fairy comes to visit.

5. I've read some really interesting blogs recently, about peoples lives very different from mine, inspiring and humbling what people live with, find joy in, and experience. My world is small, I like to look out of if and see what else is going on. If you fancy a read here is one of them.

6. I discovered the deliciousness of dried mango about 8 years ago, I have rekindled this eating habit this week. LOVE IT. If you haven't ever tried it, you really should. 

7.  On my seventh birthday I went to a holiday club thing, they sang happy birthday to me, but sang the verse 'squash tomatoes and stew, bread and butter in the gutter....' I have never forgotten it.

8. Sorted out a kitchen cupboard this week, see this post and you'll see why for me, this was a great thing.

9. Little Tyke helping her Daddy do some sawing.......never to young to start learning DIY. I spent years of my childhood building things and making woodwork creations with my Dad, I think girls should be able to use a drill, saw things and put up shelves.

10. I will leave you with this....... 

I felt a little scared just looking at it !

See it Snap it, love it.

Peace and Quiet

I try to take a photo each week on the theme, and for this week, my peace and quiet has been the view from my bed, this is what I see.......

There are sleeping babies, and lakes, and seasides and peaceful gardens, bath times and cups of tea but this week, this view has been my 'Peace and quiet'. A mirror I bought from a charity shop and painted which now has pride of place on the cupboard in our room, and in the reflection I see folded towels on the bookcase. Folded towels to me are a sign that something is going right in the Deane house. I like a folded towel, brings me some sense of inner peace. 

Monday, 25 June 2012

Travelling memories

I have no idea why, but yesterday evening while lying in bed listening to a random mix of 'desert island disks' on the radio, while periodically flicking on the TV to check on England's progress in the quarter final of the european cup, I started thinking about a random evening in my life about 8 years ago. So thought i'd share......

I was nearing the end of a 6 weeks trip in Thailand and Loas. I had spent some of it visiting some churches in various places, and some time on a beach in the beautiful Island Ko Samui and Ko Tao. My friend had been with me on the last leg of my journey, the beach part....oh the beautiful beach part. She had flown home the day before, and I had about 5 days left before travelling back alone. It's weird when I think about it, cos now, most of the time people know where I am pretty much constantly. But then, no one did. I was staying at a beach resort on an island, on my own. It was great. So the first night I was alone, I headed to a local bar on the beach, a quite out of the way kind of place, we weren't staying on the main 'strip', not a fan of places like that, so this place was a quite backpacker type restaurant on the beach, looking out at palm trees and crystal waters. They showed films occasionally- so I went there, lemonade in hand, and sat down ready to watch 'The Gladiator'. There was a couple in the bar doing a similar thing to me, kind of killing time, kind of watching the film. No one else was there so we got chatting. 
A few days before I had seen that John Lee hooker's daughter was playing at a bar in the town that night, (maybe that's why I thought of this story as one of the desert island disks was J L Hooker) I was planning on going, so they hopped in a taxi with me and the three of us, complete strangers but with enough in common for that moment, headed out for what seemed to be an evening together. I already had Chronic Fatigue at this point, so wasn't planning on being out for long, as I was needing to sleep. We arrived at this Blues bar, it was bustling. Zekhiah hooker turned up, and started playing some beautiful gritty music, It was lovely. 

Then things started to get a little, well, strange. Myself and my newly found companions had kind of exhausted all the usual topics of conversation one persues in these circumstances. Then, in walks this man with what seemed to be a small entourage of friends with him. I recognised him as the guy driving down the main street on a harley with bizarre white blonde flowing hair, he was a hard face to forget. He asked if he could join our table. So he, his thai girlfriend ( albeit one he was paying ) and about four other people kind of sat with us, introduced themselves and proceeded to chat and talk to us like we'd all know each other for years. Now, don't get me wrong, I can get someone's life story out of them in no time at all, I am fairly handy at talking to people I don't know, but this gaggle of people took it to the next level. The guy with the blonde hair - crazy harley guy was ordering drinks for everyone like the bar was about to close ( it was infact about 9pm ), seriously he just ordered bottles and bottles of beer, masses of shots and when he asked me what I was drinking and I replied 'lemonade' he looked a little bewildered but ordered me four. I'm not sure if he was on 'something', or was in the middle of a manic episode of some type, but this guy new how to 'party' as the cool kids say. The couple I was with were a bit younger than me, impoverished back packers,  and thought it was Christmas ! - loving the free booze, and that we had been enveloped into the party of some slightly crazed american guy. As the time passed it just got more surreal....we were invited on a speedboat to go jet skiing the following day, and I was asked if I would meet up with him in London when he visited and showed him around.....how did I explain that I did intact live in liverpool, and had barely been out to the good clubs there, how I was going to show him where to go in London was another matter entirely. So I kind of smiled and replied some half hearted response. He told stories, everyone around him listened and drank the drinks he paid for with bizarre lavish outpouring. Now thankfully, although only 24 at the time I have never been too naive, innocent maybe, but not naive, so decided that maybe it was a safe time to part company with this slightly crazed gathering I had been part of, it had been fun, but felt that maybe everyone else had sufficiently passed me on the sober - drunk scale, and seeing as I actually knew none of them, it's never great being around drunk people when your sober and you know them, but when you don't it's even more strange. So I said I had to go as I was leaving for Bangkok in the morning ( which was true), Crazy Harley guy stood up and INSISTED that he gave me a lift back to my beach hut on his harley, which was sitting outside the bar. I politely declined, although would have loved a ride on it ( I have always wanted a motorbike) but he wasn't taking any of it, so I, made up a story about having to pop to the local shops first to get some gifts for my family to take back with me first. ( this bit was a lie - and I very rarely lie, I am no good at it). So I then had to walk in the opposite direction to enforce my tale of going to the shops. Then when out of sight hop in a taxi and duck as we passed the bar. I got home safe, and realised that yes I'd had a very enjoyable, abeit slightly unusual evening, but was pleased to be safe in my beach hut, locked the door and put my heavy suitcase up against it, went to bed, and prayed for God to keep me safe !!! 

I was slightly worried for my backpacking friends, that they may have been sucked into some slightly crazed orgie, or ended up trafficking drugs or some other weird thing. But I escaped unharmed, and with a very weird memory of my last night on the beautiful Island of Ko Samui. The next morning I got on a boat, then the overnight train, that was another interesting experience, but i'll share that another time.

I love travelling.

One day I hope to do it some more.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Week in pictures

I visit this site most weeks -  Week in pictures.  Not only are there some wonderful photos on there. They also provide an interesting perspective into world events, politics and general life out side out of our bubble.

Here are my comfortable, unaffected by war, slavery or natural disaster photos.........

Trip on the carousel on a rainy June day

The little dead bee we found in the garden....beautiful wings.

All about the girl......

Just a few photos this week, as things got a bit hectic, so the camera stayed in it's little case. Hopefully next week there'll be some better light and some more interesting photos ! 

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Bedtime story boycott

She's a sweetie pie.
Today she woke at an earlier hour than I would have liked, and remained energetic throughout the day. Just like a toddler should really, I have no complaints. By bedtime however, I was ready for her to be packed off safely in her little white cage we call a cot. There was no bedtime story, not cos she was naughty but just because I had had enough of stories, one night without one won't hurt and sometimes, just sometimes I think we can all be a bit too laboured about bedtime !

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Ten on Tuesday

Wow, it's Tuesday again I'm told. So here we go with another Ten............

1. This little fella died in our grass the other week, he gets stroked and pointed at frequently. Can't quite bring myself to throw him out.....If I had a better lens you would see that he has his little front leg things over his face like he's hiding his eyes, quite cute in a weird kind of insect way.

2. The bin men watching continues..........they  now wave to her every week. Gives us something to do on a Monday as we have 3 separate collections. Council tax well spent !

3. We have started going to Jo Jingles, It's a singing and making noise kind of session for kids, a lovely enthusiastic lady runs it and produces all kinds of soft animals, bubbles, things to hit and make noise with. It is kind of weird going, as my more energetic self would probably be doing something similar to this as a job, so it's odd being on the receiving end of the over enthusiastic interaction with Children !

4. All the furniture in our house apart from our bed and one chest of drawers has been given to us. We are really thankful for this as money has always been pretty tight. It does however mean that things don't match too well, and the truth is, I like things to match. My solution to this problem has been to paint most of said furniture white. I like painted White furniture, but mostly do it so it matches. There have been a few items which haven't yet had this treatment, but we are slowly getting there. I'm hoping that our house won't look like somewhere the ice queen might live by the time we've finished. But it's got to be better than the 90's yellow pine effect surely ?

5. As you may recall there was much curtain purchasing debacle not so long ago, well the poles are up, and soon, they shall be actually hanging at the window - better late than never.

6. I have been playing with a photo editing kind of website thingy recently, here is the product of my brief attempt. A snappidy snap of my girl and her Daddy.

Doesn't it look flashy - Curved edges and text too......whatever next !  

7. We're trying to plan things for the Summer holidays, Husbando gets 6 weeks off so hoping to visit some family in various parts of the UK. Petrol prices have got so flipping ridiculous, not sure we'll get much further than Birmingham at this rate.

8. To tweet or not to tweet that is the question?

9. Having had CFS for approaching 9 years I have tried many weird and wonderful diets and remedies to try to alleviate the symptoms. My latest thing is to try the Gluten free diet. So we'll see how that goes. Avoiding Gluten is defiantly easier than all sugars (which I did for a whole year) Cos sugar tastes nice, Gluten however does not.

10. I have finally had to take my wedding ring off. A fierce argument ? Unable to take the toilet seat being up anymore? No, my fingers are just now quite a bit fatter than they were when we got married 6 years ago. Well to be fair there wasn't any fat on them at all when we got married, now they are just normal, but anyhow, I can't wear any rings - feels VERY weird. But the checkout guy in tesco did try to chat me up, so that was fun! ( more weird than fun if the truth be told )

Linking in with a few other blogging ladies who often do a 10 too ! 

Monday, 18 June 2012

See it snap it love it - MESSY !

This week's theme is 'messy'. So I got my camera ready while my little tyke was eating her breakfast to capture a cute 'child covered in mess' moment, then I turned and looked at the real mess - left from yesterday cos It was Daddy's day off house jobs being fathers day and all..... this is what I saw....

I am coming out the messy closet people......This is where the real mess is at.....!!

Life unmasked - Worship

Anther entry into my 'life unmasked' project. This is my little space to look a bit deeper, and reflect a little.

I can feel something in my soul awakening. Something which has been dormant for sometime. It's a tough one to explain, but my soul, my heart, the me bit of me, has been hidden for a while, clouded by fatigue, questions, confusion, disappointment and disillusionment. Uncertain how to fit the old with the new, the now. How to look at this moment, right now and work out how it fits in with what I believed I would be, would be done through me. So many lofty ideas, so many dreams. 
It's a new kind of dreaming, a new kind of interaction with the one who made me, a new kind of worship, but also totally the same all at once. 
Worship is at my core, and when I loose my way in that, I loose a part of myself. To some it may sound strange, but to me it is just instinctive like a vein running through my body. 

It's like something once fairly intricate and complex has just become simple.

Life: Unmasked

Friday, 15 June 2012

The significance of a small plastic box

The box is about 30cms X 20 cms and is sitting proudly on the bookcase in our bedroom. It's been a while coming. I've tried to get it there many times but it's never quite happened. It is just a clear plastic box with our medicines in, paracetemol, ibuprofen, for littlies and big people too. But it signifies a level of order I have been dreaming of for about 2 years...........................You see most houses need a medicine box or cupboard, a place to store the things in one place out of the reach of little people who could easily kill themselves if they ate the wrong pills, don't they? 

We moved into our current house 6 days before having our little tyke. So there wasn't time to 'nest', order things, or find a place for things. And since then there hasn't been energy to play catch up on said activities. Only last month did we get a chest of drawers for my clothes, they now have their own place, not just a pile on a cupboard......this brings me joy and makes like a bit easier too ! 

But the medicine box issue has played on my mind for a while now for many reasons. The first one is that when you become a Mum, suddenly you see danger, potential things which your child could hurt themselves on. I am very laid back with dirt and germs, but think the need to put medicines out of reach of small children is just a basic thing you have to do ? The second is that we were previously ' half used packets of paracetemol strewn willy nilly around the house' kind of people. So I would be lying in bed and see a packet of pills on the chest of drawers, suddenly envisage my daughter all 60cms of her pole-vaulting up on the drawers and chewing on the deadly paracetmol. Yes It is ridiculous, but these things happen when your tired, stressed and a first time Mummy. 

You would think that a simple trip to a shop to buy a box would have been the answer a year ago, well it was but it just never happened. 
But last week it did. The medicine box is not just that, but also signifies to increasing order in our house. Having packed up from our last home when I was 8 weeks pregnant and vomitting violently, then played 'sleep in a friends spare room' for the duration of my pregnancy ( which was actually quite fun and not as bad as it sounds ) with our possessions stored in various places, there has been much sorting and unpacking needing to be done ! There is still work to do, but there are drawers with clothes in instead of piles on the floor, there is a medicine box and today I sorted through some of that junk that everyone has which I think would be categorised as just 'stuff', the sort you don't want to give a permanent place in ones house but equally don't want to throw out.

Stuff, you are my next target, the medicine packets and bottles will tell you  - I will win eventually !

Thursday, 14 June 2012

A grumpy day

Willow and I both emerged from our beds a little grumpy. She uncooperative, me hormonal and overtired from yesterdays exertions. I raised my voice a few times to her, I felt a little guilty but not too much. I think it's ok for littlies to see their mum's a little short tempered from time to time. It's just life.
I tried to balance my short fuse with patience, but when your small person has dragged you from where you sat content with a cup of tea, to the hallway as they want to go 'up staaars', only for them to get distracted and change their mind half way, well it's just annoying isn't it. 
She's cute, but she's just a little human, It's good to remember that when around small people, they're just like us with less social boundaries, ability to care for themselves, or self regulate how they react to things. 
I'll let her off for today, but may she wake up tomorrow ( a little later than normal if possible ) with a smile and the desire to have her nappy changed and get dressed. Oh, and maybe do something other than 'watch thomas'. 

Wednesday, 13 June 2012


My girl, beautiful, sweet, and gazing at the window cleaner.

Life is simple when you're little.

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Ten on Tuesday

This week's entry is largely about my little tyke. She is just in such a cute phase right now, I wish I could pause it. She is great to be around, never stops chatting and has really delved into the world of discovery and imagination.

1. On Sunday my brilliant Husband dug a hole to put an apple tree in the ground. My little tyke decided that she would join in and dig for worms, she really likes worms. But today she progressed to picking them up and placing them on a large square rock in the garden, saying it was 'worm's table' so there were worms on their 'table', the tree was planted and all was well.

2. On the topic of the cute language acquisition phase, she's getting into the stringing words together thing at present. The cutest one so far was when she said to her Daddy. 'Wiwwow Daddy's pork chop' (that's his little nickname for her) to hear her saying it while pointing to herself was a little odd, but cute none the less !

3. I have decided recently that trying to view what I have achieved in a week is just a bit too short a space of time, so I'm going with the month view...........weeks are so last season.

4. Today I feel an overwhelming sense of thankfulness. I know it sounds cliched but I really am so fortunate to have such a lovely healthy little girl, to live not only with a roof over my head but in a beautiful house with nice things in, with a garden, hot water coming out the taps, not to mention all the other luxuries we live around. Sometimes it jars with me, unsure as to why it's me who gets to live in such lovely conditions. But I decide thankfulness is the best way to start. 

5.  This time as we travelled back from Snowdonia, for the first time in ages I wasn't dreading coming home. I often hate returning home from holidays as daily life can be such a struggle. But this time I was looking forward to it, a sign that things are getting a little easier maybe. I am thankful for this too.

6. On sunday morning I got up with Willow, sat in my dressing gown on our grass and cut the edges ( which were rather jungle like in length ) with a pair of scissors. Oh it felt good to look out on a garden with neat(ish) edges. Yes it's a little sad, but I do love it when I can get outside and preen the rather unkempt garden.

7. I have decided I like the toddler phase more than the baby phase. The newborn phase is a different thing, nothing rivals that. But I like it in toddler land right now. 

8. Willow will be 2 in four months time, so she's still most definitely 1 as 2 is for big kids and I have a baby still, yeah right. Anyway, despite my utter defiance at the fact that my little girl will continue to have birthdays and get older with every passing year, I have started to think about her birthday already. 
Yeah I don't work so when I have energy, I like to plan nice things. I have am fully embracing the 'birthday clothes' tradition which is a thing in the city we live in, and already keeping my eyes out for a birthday dress for her. So far this cute item is in the running.....

9. Nappy changing has become a bit of a chore these days, she protests greatly and all teddies have to be cleaned with a wipe too..........takes a loooong time. But I am not about to embark on potty training so we shall struggle on.

10. And I will finish with a thought about Chorizo. I go through phases with Chorizo, sometimes it feels like it's in everything we eat, then there are dormant phases where it just sits in the fridge. This week is a chorizo week, and have discovered that grilled chorizo on a rice cracker with soft cheese is particularly delicious. Yum.

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Life unmasked

I'm not entirely sure I should write a blog post today, as I don't really have a 'thing' in mind, but I shall sit, and I shall write and we'll see what comes out.

We went to church today, It was good. I like church, I love hearing someone else read the bible out loud to me, it kind of feels like it has more authority. I know that's not true, but maybe it's like when you're about 7 and you can read, but really you still prefer your parents to read to you. I like it when I can hear things, in my ears - not in my head. Do you know what I mean ?

My head is sometimes a cluttered and confused place, so hearing things come into your head through your ears first is better, I find.

My brain feels clearer than it has for a while, when my energy is low my brain kind of clouds over a little, thinking and processing gets really hard work. Having had proper sleep now for about 9 months I feel some of the parts of my brain beginning to awaken. I think it takes that long to recover from broken sleep, I guess it varies from person to person, but sleep and me have always had a very close relationship. I'm a bit of a 9/10 hours sleep a night girl. Even before having CFS I have always needed lots of sleep. People say when you have kids you get used to it, it's all lies ! You do get used to it, but it doesn't make you need sleep any less, you just get used to feeling really rough, dazed and well, a bit topsy turvy. 

A good friend of mine has recently had baby number two and is in the 'night feed stage'. She is a wonderfully positive woman, she loves her baby dearly and generously gives to her children of herself, but I can see the exhaustion in her eyes and hear the strain it's having on her as she makes it through another day with much less sleep than really is advisable ! I would love another baby but that night feed stage, oh it is precious, but man it is SO very hard. I loved the night feeds in some ways, the times you get with your little one are special and to be cherished. But equally they are horrid and made me go a little crazy. When I heard that cry it sent shivers down my spine, as my own inner child had a tantrum and kicked and screamed for rest, long.... deep....... rest. I wasn't alone in having to teach my body how to sleep again. When Willow did learn the beautiful act of sleeping for a full night....(and by that I mean 7pm - 7am, what's with people who say their baby sleeps through the night and by that they mean midnight til about 5am, seriously people, that is a good stretch of sleep and take what you can get by all means, but not a full night in my book ) my body had forgotten what to do, I couldn't rest, couldn't switch off, my brain was in a weird state of alertness, listening, waiting to respond to the needs of one who was so recently a part of my body. 
So while I long for the chance to hold and nurse another baby, I seriously dread the night feeds stage, for fear of loosing it a bit. But we'll see, I am SLOWLY learning not to fear the future as I don't know what it will bring, sometimes it's so much better than I hope for, other times it will be so much worse, either way, dread and fear are never feelings I like to welcome into my cluttered and busy mind.

Friday, 8 June 2012

A little holiday

A brief little jaunt to Snowdonia was our activity of choice this half term. (Yes I am married to a teacher, and yes he does get 12 weeks off a year - whoop whoop !!) The place we stayed in was where we visited this time last year. Willow was just 8 months old then, still not sleeping through the night - so things were different. I had much less energy, and felt a bit of a mess. But it was a special time, I love holidays however small and cheap. I'm a quality time kind of girl, and time with my lovely husbando in wet wales rivals any sunny beach holiday without him. He's a real gem. This year I think he felt less like a single parent with a small kid and a large one to look after, and more like a Dad on holiday with his family. The thing I find hardest about this illness malarky is the affect it has on him. I never wanted him to be my carer.

This week, although there were trips to the see the sheep in the field while mummy stayed in bed, I made us a picnic - yes it's true, sandwiches in tupperware pots and everything, and we picnicked at the foot of a mountain altogether......who needs to see the summit anyway ! 

 Willow was fairly determined the flag should come too, encouraged slightly by her very patriotic father.

There was an attempt to ride the toy railway (but there had been an 'incident' on the line - didn't ask anymore about that ! ) so instead Willow rode on a little dragon thingy, which only cost 20p and went on for soooooo long she got bored before it finished....the Welsh clearly know how to make rides for kids !

Oh and a sneaky curry at the local balti house.....it was seriously delicious.

A simple little holiday. 

Sometimes simple is best.

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Jubilee Part One !

The Jubilee weekend begineth....

On Saturday I had a very lazy morning in bed. When I emerged at lunchtime my super amazing Husbando had created this crown with the little tyke !
Peppa pig was the first to be crowned as other models were a little retisant.

She soon put on her crown and mounted her royal steed. 

Union Jacks everywhere....

 How amazing was the queen standing up all afternoon.....that woman has some stamina !

 And finally, my little queen in her castle.

Church and my sad old picnic

I'm setting myself a new writing project. I've been looking at a few and have stumbled across others on blogs I read here and there. Some where you write unedited for 15 minutes, others where you 'write naked' on a topic or theme. So I am combining the two, a kind of unedited 15 minutes of things I am thinking about, chewing over.

I make no apologies that these posts won't be very 'thematic' because my mind isn't really. So I shall just start, and there we will see where my thinkings end up. I'm linking in with a blog called 'Joy in the Journey' if you click on the badge below you will see other people doing a similar thing. MOst of them faith based blogs, but not all.

So here is my 'life unmasked' for the week........

I sometimes feel like piggy in the middle. I have always had the ability to see 'both sides' If my husband comes home and moans about something, I am always there with the other person's point of view. I like folk music, but I am also partial to some good old hip hop. Life is more interesting this way, variety. And I'm finding the same with church. In this country ( the uk ) there is a huge variety of people who would call themselves 'Christians' or followers of Jesus. Some like the term born again, others not. Throughout my 31 years on this earth ( yes I am that young !), I have been to a huge variety of churches, people with different emphasis on different aspects of the bible, or what they perceive to be the 'main thing' if you will. And I can honestly say I can find Jesus in all of these places, Cos if you look hard enough you can see Jesus in most places, even places where there seems to be only darkness, He is there.

Some can view their way as the only way, and this makes me sad. For them more than anything, cos judgement and elitism only leads us further from God and who He is.

I think since having my daughter, church on sundays has to be different. It has to be something sustainable, something you can do, and then come home and still do lunchtime, life etc, It has to fit in with the rhythm of life. I don't want to be a Mother who spends herself so entirely on churchy things, that my daughter gets the dregs. So with limited energy I find the worship style I loved in my teens and twenties just a little bit too much. It's too much to engage fully with emotion on a Sunday morning in worship then come home and read a book about thomas the tank. I find my energy tank just doesn't have enough in it for this. So I find myself able to partake in more sedate, yes joyful, but not noisy and emotional 'worship' on sunday. Those things are wonderful and brilliant, it is great to have space to worship Him with everything, and cry and present your whole self to him. But maybe now in my new stage of life these times are better left for times on my own, or a one off conference type of time. These are just my thoughts  so far.

I am also wrestling with other issues in my head at the moment, issues of theology, what the bible really says about things. It's a troublesome but amazing book, so very open to interpretation. And I'm trying to dig deeper into interpreting it, not just hover on the surface with morsels others have thrown me. I have a brain, a fairly good one, and I feel compelled to read and study for myself. But it's a challenging road, and to be honest an isolating one at times, it's a weird thing to suddenly be questioning things which close friends aren't, and begin to conclude something other that them and those around you. But it feels good, really good.

I often feel left behind, I have things I can do, but can't do them. I'm not anymore special than anyone else, but we are all pretty amazing beings, with talents and 'gifts' if you will. Many of my gifts lie in a box, wrapped up in the strong ribbon of fatigue which keeps them safely packaged away. Many of my friends are in the 'baby phase' at the moment, they too are tired and just getting through the day. But when their children are more independent they will come out of this, and begin to emerge again into partaking in serving God, or advancing in their careers. I fear I won't, they'll trot on ahead of me, leaving me kind of lagging behind. Most of the time I can honestly say I don't mind. I am content with the life I have, frustrating at times though it is, I am learning to be at peace with it. But occasionally I think back to the things I'd love to have done with my 20s, my pre parenting years, and feel sad they haven't been done. Sad that no matter how positive spin you put on it, will affect the rest of my life, my career options, my experiences. Yes I'm learning to love the time I'm in now, this moment, without strive to change it, but I often visit my little picnic of disappointment, with my sadnesses all laid out on a blanket for me to see. It's not the best picnic to be honest. 
And I'm beginning to see that that's ok.

There are sadnesses we all carry.

But I want to know more Joy, more Joy of knowing God, and seeing Him use my weakness somehow

Life: Unmasked

Friday, 1 June 2012

Olympic fever

Today the olympic torch came to town. We deliberated muchly about where to see it, will there be crowds ? place to park ? a place for me to sit ? and for once it all just kind of worked out fine. The sun shone, the little one played about happily while we waited....waited.......

Then it finally arrived...... not a great photo, but it was there, really there, the olympic flame - whoop whoop 

It happened

I think it was probably only a matter of time, but it has happened. God help us, we'll be driving a volvo before we know it, and I'll finally purchase a pair of hunter wellies.......

Yes we have reached that british middle class milestone, we've joined the national trust ! 

I would like to say I have got an annual pass to music festivals nationwide, but no, to the well manicured gardens we head !

Membership was cheap cheap this month, and we only had to get one adult pass, so you know it didn't break the bank. 

I am still trying to get used to the fact we have reached this milestone, and also come to terms with the fact I am quite excited and looking on the website at places we can now go. They are great places to go if you're a bit disabled too as they're full of old people so they are quite well equipped for the infirm to grace the rhododendron borders with their presence !

Don't worry, I shall keep you posted with our usage of aforementioned pass, reporting regularly on the life and times of the national trust is something I have always aspired to do ( or not ).

Bring it on 

p.s - this is not a sponsored post in any way shape or form !