Sunday, 3 June 2012

Church and my sad old picnic

I'm setting myself a new writing project. I've been looking at a few and have stumbled across others on blogs I read here and there. Some where you write unedited for 15 minutes, others where you 'write naked' on a topic or theme. So I am combining the two, a kind of unedited 15 minutes of things I am thinking about, chewing over.

I make no apologies that these posts won't be very 'thematic' because my mind isn't really. So I shall just start, and there we will see where my thinkings end up. I'm linking in with a blog called 'Joy in the Journey' if you click on the badge below you will see other people doing a similar thing. MOst of them faith based blogs, but not all.

So here is my 'life unmasked' for the week........

I sometimes feel like piggy in the middle. I have always had the ability to see 'both sides' If my husband comes home and moans about something, I am always there with the other person's point of view. I like folk music, but I am also partial to some good old hip hop. Life is more interesting this way, variety. And I'm finding the same with church. In this country ( the uk ) there is a huge variety of people who would call themselves 'Christians' or followers of Jesus. Some like the term born again, others not. Throughout my 31 years on this earth ( yes I am that young !), I have been to a huge variety of churches, people with different emphasis on different aspects of the bible, or what they perceive to be the 'main thing' if you will. And I can honestly say I can find Jesus in all of these places, Cos if you look hard enough you can see Jesus in most places, even places where there seems to be only darkness, He is there.

Some can view their way as the only way, and this makes me sad. For them more than anything, cos judgement and elitism only leads us further from God and who He is.

I think since having my daughter, church on sundays has to be different. It has to be something sustainable, something you can do, and then come home and still do lunchtime, life etc, It has to fit in with the rhythm of life. I don't want to be a Mother who spends herself so entirely on churchy things, that my daughter gets the dregs. So with limited energy I find the worship style I loved in my teens and twenties just a little bit too much. It's too much to engage fully with emotion on a Sunday morning in worship then come home and read a book about thomas the tank. I find my energy tank just doesn't have enough in it for this. So I find myself able to partake in more sedate, yes joyful, but not noisy and emotional 'worship' on sunday. Those things are wonderful and brilliant, it is great to have space to worship Him with everything, and cry and present your whole self to him. But maybe now in my new stage of life these times are better left for times on my own, or a one off conference type of time. These are just my thoughts  so far.

I am also wrestling with other issues in my head at the moment, issues of theology, what the bible really says about things. It's a troublesome but amazing book, so very open to interpretation. And I'm trying to dig deeper into interpreting it, not just hover on the surface with morsels others have thrown me. I have a brain, a fairly good one, and I feel compelled to read and study for myself. But it's a challenging road, and to be honest an isolating one at times, it's a weird thing to suddenly be questioning things which close friends aren't, and begin to conclude something other that them and those around you. But it feels good, really good.

I often feel left behind, I have things I can do, but can't do them. I'm not anymore special than anyone else, but we are all pretty amazing beings, with talents and 'gifts' if you will. Many of my gifts lie in a box, wrapped up in the strong ribbon of fatigue which keeps them safely packaged away. Many of my friends are in the 'baby phase' at the moment, they too are tired and just getting through the day. But when their children are more independent they will come out of this, and begin to emerge again into partaking in serving God, or advancing in their careers. I fear I won't, they'll trot on ahead of me, leaving me kind of lagging behind. Most of the time I can honestly say I don't mind. I am content with the life I have, frustrating at times though it is, I am learning to be at peace with it. But occasionally I think back to the things I'd love to have done with my 20s, my pre parenting years, and feel sad they haven't been done. Sad that no matter how positive spin you put on it, will affect the rest of my life, my career options, my experiences. Yes I'm learning to love the time I'm in now, this moment, without strive to change it, but I often visit my little picnic of disappointment, with my sadnesses all laid out on a blanket for me to see. It's not the best picnic to be honest. 
And I'm beginning to see that that's ok.

There are sadnesses we all carry.

But I want to know more Joy, more Joy of knowing God, and seeing Him use my weakness somehow

Life: Unmasked

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