A few weeks ago, a good friend asked me why I hadn't been blogging recently. I had to think about why. Perhaps a mixture of being up and about a bit more, but then when I have rest time, I need to sleep to recover in order to do the next block of 'activity'. There is also the fact that I waste/use up hours on Facebook, and recently have been getting stuck down the rabbit warren that is Twitter. But also, I have been reading some brilliant and challenging blogs I stumble across, and finding that what I would 'say' has already been said, so then I don't bother.
The last 8 months or so, have mostly been lovely. Really really lovely. My two little ones are growing and developing in a way which I feel so grateful for. They are healthy and strong, have fun and amazing opportunities presented to them weekly to explore and learn, it's every parent's dream really, isn't it ? It sometimes takes my breath away when I watch them, and know how safe they are, and how much education awaits them, such a contrast to the images I see regularly on twitter of families fleeing, surviving, and dying.
The juxtapose of my life, and what I see on social media is a head wrecker most of the time.
I find, as I am emerging out of the 'baby stage' and on the slow road to both my kids being in some kind of education/nursery, It raises loads of emotion for me. The questions all mums have of 'what will I do now' or 'great, I can do what I'm already doing but not have to pay for childcare' etc etc.
I think for me, it raises some disappointment and sadness. The lack of career is a tough one. My degree sits largely unused. Today both my kids are being looked after by others so I can rest, sleep and have enough of a breather to be able to function as I need to. Today, that reality feels sad. Other days, I feel nothing of that sadness, but instead the joy every mum feels of a quiet house for a few hours in amongst the chaos of life with a 2 and 4 year old. ( My 2 year old is getting louder - he is LOUD )
I think it's all about feeling I don't have a place, or fit in somewhere. Although my experience of having small children has varied lots from my peers, I have fitted in, with the chats of struggle, of tiredness, of 'will our clothes ever be folded again', not being at work all week. Before my children arrived, I inhabited a space which most twenty somethings didn't, being at home a lot during the week, but occasionally being well enough to hold down a few hours of work.
But then, I think, I consider, I have never really been someone to 'fit in' with the standard path, so I guess I just need to bed down and find my place again.
I read this a while ago....
' And I dig into this place, looking for truth and mining for the joy that is always in the mix.
And as I do, I glimpse hope and possibiity looking back at me '
When I read it, my soul was shouting 'ALL THE YES'.....
This is it, just how I feel.
It was written by a brilliant lady, she blogs ....here at 'thehippochronicles' ( crazy name for a blog ! )
Another reason I haven't blogged much, is cos I am SO very very bad at grammar, I know I am a sloppy writer, and when you read an abundance of well written blogs, It shines a mirror up to my lackadaisical approach to writing. I am no perfectionist when it comes to writing, there's no denying it !
I will leave you with some snaps of the two faces that keep me ticking along. and hopefully, a promise of some slightly more focussed blog posts again soon !