Thinkings: When people die without air.

I read this news article yesterday, and it kind of hit me in the face, you know, right between the eyes. There are so many things in the news that grab my attention, propel me out of my comfy life and force me to look, head on at the awful 'stuff' which takes place around me.
But this one, just did something a bit more than that.

If you haven't read the article, it is an account of a small shipping vessel found off the coast of Sicily. Like lots of boats approaching Italy at the moment, it came from North Africa, and was rammed to the brink with people trying to escape to Europe, in the hope of a safer life. 
When the police reached the boat, and went down to the hull, there was a mass of intertwined bodies, hundreds of them. Intertwined, like a messy pile of string, desperate to be unravelled.

They all died while trying to flee the reality of violence and poverty they were trying to leave behind.

I was lying in my bed while reading this, and two things really struck me.
Firstly, just how desperate some people, well not some, but thousands and thousands are, to want to cram themselves into the hull of a boat, just to escape to what they hope will be a better life.
I hate boats on the sea, I get VERY seasick, I hate going below deck, the fumes are horrid, it's usually stuffy and hot. These people basically layered themselves in, they paid a lot of money for this privilege, just to escape.
They second thing I found gruelling to read, was the account of a man who said he was on the boat. He was thought to have paid more for his passage as he got to sit on the deck, 
this deck.

 He said that the door which led to the hull of the boat was open, so the people squashed in the hull could have an air source. As the boat hit choppy waters, they started to try to clamber out of the hull, thus jeopardising the safety of those already on the deck.
So the passengers on the deck, shut the door.

They shut the door.


Shouts could be heard begging them to open the door.

The door was never re opened.


I couldn't believe that the people on the deck, just let them die.
They LET them die.
But then, I stopped and thought.
They shut the door, as they feared for their already volatile chances of survival.
Could they have not done some kind of rotation system ?
Could they not have explained it to them,
could they not, could they not.....?

It was then I realised, the people on the deck were richer, the ones underneath weren't, they paid less for their tickets.
How often in life could I forgo a luxury ( let alone a basic necessity to live) to help someone less fortunate than myself. To swap places with them for a brief time, just to make things more bearable.

Daily, I choose not to do this.
Human nature is to protect ourselves, it is also to help others, but there is a line.
And on that boat the line was drawn, and those people died.

If I was in that position, what would I say to someone like me? 
I don't know, I really don't. But, I suspect some on that boat, coming from Syria at some point had a life not dissimilar to mine, with all the privilege that being middle class brings. 

But then things got messy. There was war and displacement.

What would they say to me today ?

I kind of wonder, if it would simply be, enjoy the freedom I have. Enjoy and live life.
Not spend my days feeling guilty, guilty that I have, and they don't. Guilty that I am alive and those who died in that vile and inhumane way, aren't.
But just to live, to thrive, to enjoy every ounce of what I have.
Surely not to make the most of my freedom, and take pleasure in what I have is the ultimate insult to people on that boat ?

I don't know, but that is what I just wondered when I read it.

I also kind of wonder if people are going to desperate measures to get to Europe, the least we can do is share with them, just a little bit more ?

A catch up and a few Thinkings.

It seems I haven't written a blog post for about three months............I'm not entirely sure why, I think mostly it is due to the fact I have been reading a bit more. It's been great to have the mental energy to read again, and oil up those rusty brain cogs of mine, setting them in monition once more. 

I have been feeling like I'm ready to explore a bit more theology, and where the Christian practises I am part of originate from. In the past, I guess I have been a bit tentative about digging too deep, asking too many questions, as sometimes it's easier to listen to a leader at church, (who you are fairly certain isn't a total loony) and kind of go with what they think.
(I hope I'm not the only one who is perhaps that lazy ?!)

Here is a whistle stop tour of a few 'thinkings' and things I have been reading lately. 

It's been very much in the forefront of the media, Christians everywhere are being forced to consider what they actually believe God says about LGBT marriage/relationships, I too have been trying to make some space in my head to consider this. 
This blog by Vicky Beeching, has been a great starting point for me, and has helped me to look into varying view points around the theology of sexuality.

Another thing I think about a fair amount is suffering, God, prosperity, and how the three lie next to each other, This lady's blog has been another place to help me explore these things Tanya Marlow.

Sometimes daring to question things can be tough, isolating and a bit scary. 

The book 'Found' by Micha Boyett has been on the top of my reading list. She explores the way Benedictine Monks pray, at intervals throughout the day, and uses that as a pattern for her daily prayer, in the midst of changing nappies, working and attempting to connect with God. It's like reading a book a friend has written. I identify with so much of what she writes. Thoughts of feeling like my life doesn't quite have the positive impact on the world and the needy as I hoped it would, and disappointment that my prayer life often resembles more of a mumble, or a 'tweet', rather than an intersession. Anyway, it's good, I would recommend it ! 

The energy fairy has definitely been kind to me in recent months. Despite currently writing this from the sofa, a bit too knackered to get out this morning, in general, I 'm doing really well. Getting out and about, picnics, camping trips and cooking a few meals here and there.....things are good ! 

Here is the little one, in the wheelbarrow, 'helping' to mix the concrete for our patio.

Bye for now, and hopefully I will be writing again soon ! 

Thinkings in a poem, kinda

There are new highs, new lows.

The dark times feel like they are looming, waiting to pounce, for something to....just....tip....the....balance which makes it all fall apart.

But for now we are walking the tightrope of life, that's what it feels like doesn't it with two little ones?

Making sure everyone is all fed, happy, clean and smiling, while trying to keep oneself sane so the wheels on this wagon don't fall off, 

that would be bad, 

really bad.

I am thankful for help, 

for funds to fund the help, 

help is good, 

we all need help.

There are moments when such contentment washes over,

Joy, relief and excitement that we have created our family. 

What will the future hold ? 

I get the feeling this is the hardest part we are in right now,  

It's damn hard work, 

I have always liked hard work, 

kind of.

So rewarding, such joy, such fear, so many unknowns and uncontrollables.

Babies are cute, 

babies smell, 

babies need care ALL THE TIME.

Families were made to be big,

extended, 

messy. 

I need family, our extended family, and my immediate family, 

for love, unconditional love.

 'Too tired for niceties, but still love' - love, 

that's the Love I'm talking about.

Food, that's good too, lots of it we have had, 

bought by friends, 

so many friends,

unique and kind.

Thankyou.

Rightness and Love

Having mostly 'blogged' about family life and LT recently, I feel the need to put my mind to something else. The last month has been all about getting some practical jobs done while there is a bit of corporate energy, and time off work in the Deane house. Christmas holidays will be full of visiting family and being festive, then a baby will arrive about 6 weeks after this, so I decided October was the month for 'getting things done'. We are progressing, when I have a wee bit of energy floating around, I scare myself at just how task focussed I am, seriously, it's like a thread running through me which I can't get rid of ! Much to my poor husbando's frustration a 'dog with a bone' has been the best way to describe my constant nagging, cajoling and attempting to get some 'sorting out' done these past few weeks.

It's weird how different we all are ey ? Some of us can just sit around and blindly forget about all the things which need to be 'done', other's can't rest well until they are done. I generally fall into the last category unless very unwell with CFS, then I don't care at all.

So many arguments are caused by our sense of  'rightness' though, our way is the best way, the 'right' way to be. Parenting brings up lots of these thoughts and feelings too. We can only parent from who we are, and we are all so very different. I have friends who all sleep in a big bed together, in a glorious cacophony of legs, arms and sleepless nights, right through to friends who put their babies in their own room from birth, enforced a strict routine and have immaculate houses. Although we all say we know 'it's down to personal choice', if we are REALLY honest, we all do have a little bit in us which thinks we are doing it more right than others, and more wrong that the other others !

I have seen this sense of 'rightness' in religious matters too, and although I do have beliefs which I think are the truth, so much time is wasted on exerting our 'rightness' on others, we forget to love, to listen and to, well, be nice people. I once heard a lady say 'niceness is never over rated' I think it was Heidi Baker.

I can do so much less than I hoped I would at this stage of my life, some of those expectations were false, some not. But one thing I know I can do, need to do, have to make a priority is being 'nice' to people, and mostly my husband and children. I am quite good at being nice to those I know,  or neighbours, old people in a supermarket, but the real challenge comes in tolerance and love for my own family. I know this is my biggest test, the biggest hurdle I face, more than a career progression or anything else I may have liked to 'do'. I recently read 1 Corinthians 13 at a wedding, you know the 'Love is patient, Love is kind' one, and have attempted to keep looking at it, to get it into my head. More than a tidy garage and all the clutter getting into the loft, I have to allow Love, real honest Love, to be a priority in our family. Another wise person once said  'men may be the head of the house, but the women set the tone for it', and to some extent I think this to be true, gulp.....a hard thing to realise.
I can so easily slip into that thing lots of us task focussed ladies do, just seeing all the things our husbands/patners/housemates haven't done yet, the shelves not put up, the phone calls not made, and I am SO very guilty of this, I keep these thoughts mostly to myself but they are still there. It's a tough balance to strike, but I know I want to keep on at this Loving thing, the cherishing thing, the being nice thing. Honesty is of course important, but I long for Love to triumph over my desire to get a task finished, ticked off and completed.

Sometimes being task focussed feels like more of a curse than a blessing !

This remains my challenge, and I imagine it will for decades to come, but I like a challenge :)


p.s

I read the blog of sarah bessey, and this post has really stuck with me. She often puts into words so eloquently what I want to say/express/mull over, and I particularly like this entry. Just thought you may like it too :)

A few thoughts on a Thursday....

Well, today I thought I'd just sit and write, unedited, just as it is.
It's not been the easiest of weeks, so buckle in for the ride if you want to, if not - See you another time !

The past few weeks have just felt like hard work. I think most pregnant ladies with a 2 year old would say 'that's just how it is', and it is ! We had a wonderful time celebrating our little one's birthday. It did however co -incide with a few other things which in and of themselves shouldn't have been too hard to deal with, but all at once they really were. Mostly things like our car breaking down, and me being the only person available to sort it out. Getting new car sorted, birthday plans, and phone calls to builders about potential garage conversion. Mmmmmmm all just a bit much for a low energy one like myself. The beauty of having a teacher as a husband is that he gets loooooooong holidays, but the annoying thing is, there is NO flexibility when he can take time off. He doesn't have lunch breaks and kind of only gets to breathe at the end of the day. There are tons of professions like this, so i'm not saying he's the only one in this position, But it means that it falls to me to make calls, post things, and generally do our family 'admin'. It's not a huge job, and If i'm honest I feel embarrassed to admit I find it so hard. I have no idea what it is in my body and brain which doesn't cope well with stress, but it just doesn't. So at the start of this week, I found myself a bit of a wreck, emotional, hormonal ( hormones ey - pah ) and just a little overwhelmed at the tasks ahead, which really aren't that hard when you look at them on paper. I think I also might have little hamsters on wheels in the back of my brain, generating sub conscious anxiety about coping with the new addition to our family, I'm just not sure how I will cope, and how my body and mind will cope, and that is kinda scary. 

God is here, in the midst of it, and I have felt His peace and calm with me this past month, more than I have for a long time. But I know that God doesn't take everything hard and difficult away from us. I know plenty of ladies who have had crippling PND, or awful birth experiences, and I had what I can only describe as a horrendous 6 months when my little tyke reached the weaning stage. So, yeah, I do pray and believe that God will be with me in whatever there is to cope with, but the child in me, just wants to have a tantrum, and run away and hide from it all. Jesus asked His father to 'take this cup of suffering away from him' and was in such a state he cried blood. So if Jesus reacted like that, then I am coming to realise It's ok to ask God to take suffering and difficulty away, but equally realise that He doesn't always. ............how we are meant to get our head around this I don't know !

A close friend of mine lost her son last year, and the anniversary of his death was on Little Tykes birthday, that was strange. I'm not someone who detaches easily from friend's pain and I think I felt heavy with it this week. Only a fraction of what she and her family must feel, I can't imagine how they have to get up every day bearing such grief. But I refuse to go through life shielding myself from other's anguish, it's a costly thing to do, but worth it I think.

We saw our little baby wriggling around inside it's safe watery cacoon yesterday. Scans are amazing ey ? Such a wonderful thing to see. All is healthy, and I felt so very happy to know that as far as anyone can say, we have a healthy baby cooking away. We are blessed, REALLY blessed. Despite the discomfort of pregnancy, and difficulty of times present and ones not yet lived, I feel so happy to have 2 children. 

Let the good times roll is what I say ! ( and PLEASE God grant me the grace to get through the hard times without going totally insane )

A new week, I will wait...

I stumbled across the fact that today is the release date for the new offering from Mumford and Sons 'Babel' is their new album.

I really like this type of music, and sometimes find it a little strange that it has become a bit more 'mainstream' than it used to be. I spent my teenage years listening to music like this, and was branded a hippy, or  bit left field. It's also strange, as so much of the music I've spent my life singing to in church is similar to this in style. So it's weird seeing people unashamedly dancing at festivals alongside Jay Z to music which was once reserved for weird folky or churchy type places.

But it stirs something in our souls doesn't it ? It's not just me, or you, but loads of people are moved and liberated by this music. One can 't really dance in a particularly dignified way to music like this, I think that's what I enjoy so much about it, It has a childlike quality which we all identify with just a little ?






I don't often engage in the 'waiting' side of my life. There are things I am waiting for, waiting for God to do, as I believe He said He would. Sometimes the waiting is too painful to connect with for all of us, but occasionally I dip my toe in the moat of emotions which surround the castle I live in, and for a few minutes, I get reassurance that the wait will be worth the it.

Thinkings

The one lovely thing about the middle and end of pregnancy for me, is, contrary to most people's experience, I get my brain back ! One of the hardest things to cope with about CFS, in my experience, is the mental/cognitive fatigue it causes. The physical is tricky, but to some extent there are things others and rest can do to aid this. But no one else can think/feel/ponder/interact on my behalf. It's a difficult thing to explain really, but anyway, when I'm pregnant this symptom is greatly reduced. For example, one of the reasons I find it really hard to do any cooking is because of the cognitive function it takes to do such a task as well as the physical. But when I'm pregnant, for some reason my brain can think more, and I don't get as drained doing certain tasks. Talking to people gets easier, even coping with stress. In my first pregnancy we moved house numerous times, had to arrange a fairly delayed and drawn out process of buying a house, and various other financial complications. But, you know, I just kind of managed it. I coped with it a hundred times better than If I hadn't been pregnant. Weird but true. Anyway, as I am fully emersed in the middle section of my pregnancy, some of this clear headed loveliness has come my way. And if I'm being really honest, It has made me feel great and pretty sad all at the same time. Sad that so many parts of me, which make me feel like me, are mostly hibernating. It's a tricky one to put into words, but by nature I have a pretty fast brain, I can just think quickly, organise, process, sort out, create. I'm no genius at all, but I do have a quick brain, and one which likes to create, most of all create and spend time with people. These things get taken from me when the CFS monster is at it's worse, and this is one part of it I will never adjust to, enjoy or become to at home with. 

So, for the next few months, while feeling physically exhausted, and plagued with all the usual pregnancy gripes. I have a tiny bit of my cognitive and spiritual energy back, a more relaxed, laid back stress free, creative Hannah emerges. 

There is a sense of dread that it will go again, and the thought that even decided what to eat for tea will be too much again.

But I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it, and enjoy the present ? That's my plan for now anyway. 

It's a Sunday day

'This is the day that the Lord has made, we shall rejoice and be glad in it '

The skies may not always be clear and sunny, but those choppy waves still look like fun !

Whatever the day is like. I want to rejoice in what the Lord has made.

A few thoughts

In much of my working life in whatever form, (my 'career' path has been a little unusual, but that's another story) I've always spent time around vulnerable children and families in some context or other. The issues which vulnerable women in our nation face are often on my mind, and I have spent many an hour in a sexual health clinic, police station, ante natal ward or Social services meeting attempting to provide some small level of support to women facing the multitude of problems they face.

Clearly if you read this blog regularly you'll know that the last two years I haven't had the capacity to be involved in such activities, and if I'm honest, I really miss it. Yes there is some level of satisfaction one gets from knowing that I am in some way contributing just a little to the lives of others, but more than that I think it keeps things in perspective. In the UK we are so unbelievable good at masking the problems our people face, and I live in a very privileged place, both physically and emotionally. But SO many women don't. And it's not just cos i've made 'good choices'........... that mindset really bothers me. I have just been 'blessed', 'lucky' whatever you want to label it as. I miss spending time around women drastically different from myself, I learn from them, laugh with them, and often come away feeling like I have gained something I just can't quite put my finger on. I have learnt the hard way that I am certainly not the answer to their problems, and there are other people far better positioned to actually bring lasting change to their lives. But I still know that I have a small role to play, me in their lives and they in mine.

Anyway, I digress. In an attempt for me not to loose touch entirely with the practise, ethics and policy which affects the beautiful women I'm talking about, I try to listen to and read up on debate about these issues. I often forget to share these linkys on this blog, but tonight, I remembered.

This one is really interesting. You can get the link here, or log onto iTunes, go to podcasts, and the BBC 'inside the ethics committee' is where you'll find it.

This one is about preventing pregnancy in homeless women.

I'd love to hear your comments if you listen to it. Just type them in below where it says 'comment'

Life unmasked - Worship

Anther entry into my 'life unmasked' project. This is my little space to look a bit deeper, and reflect a little.


I can feel something in my soul awakening. Something which has been dormant for sometime. It's a tough one to explain, but my soul, my heart, the me bit of me, has been hidden for a while, clouded by fatigue, questions, confusion, disappointment and disillusionment. Uncertain how to fit the old with the new, the now. How to look at this moment, right now and work out how it fits in with what I believed I would be, would be done through me. So many lofty ideas, so many dreams. 

It's a new kind of dreaming, a new kind of interaction with the one who made me, a new kind of worship, but also totally the same all at once. 

Worship is at my core, and when I loose my way in that, I loose a part of myself. To some it may sound strange, but to me it is just instinctive like a vein running through my body. 

It's like something once fairly intricate and complex has just become simple.

Thinkings

Haven't written many blog posts this last week or so, partly cos i've had a lot of 'feelings' ! And well, sometimes it's best to steer clear of sharing these with the world wide web I find. Other times it's ok, well maybe it isn't....................I am still undecided.


Sometimes blogging ( both reading and writing ) just seems like a gross over share of personal information and thoughts. Other times it feels, well, right.


I know I'm not the only one who periodically sits back, takes stock of life, my life and the others close to me, and just kind of chews it all over - Wondering what it's all about, if the bad things will get better, and if the good things are ok. And I think it's been a month of that.


It's strange how happiness and sorrow, completeness and dissatisfaction can sit so comfortably together isn't it ?


I was recently pregnant, then I wasn't, that was very sad, but also a strange relief...............


We were skint, then we weren't - that is nice, better..........................


Husbando has a job, but might not for much longer, that is a little less certain that we'd like, but not too much of a worry.........................


Willow was a baby, now she's a toddler who throws saucepan lids, and blows kisses to the lady behind the boots counter...............................


I was in my 20s, now i'm firmly in the land of 30's, a little unsure how to dress this summer...........................


I ate cake for breakfast more often than is advisable, so now weigh more than i'd like to.........................


I planted bulbs in december, now there are beautiful flowers....................................


The chancellor made a new budget, a few of us are worse off, but essentially life still just ticks along......................


These are my chewings, my thinkings.


And this is a pig, a huge ugly pig. But I thought he looked strangely cute, a deserved his snout to be published. 

Weeds, Joy? and Mud pies.

There is Joy and there is joy. I hear talk of Joy which can't be taken away by circumstance, but sometimes, these days I struggle to actually experience it.


This week has been a little 'clogged up' with the weeds which come with life, and wrap themselves around what was once clean, new and unspoilt.


Longing after my more joyful self, my optimism and hope to come back and visit, stay a while.
Wondering, wondering if that self will come back to visit soon. Please do.


There has been mud pie making which makes me smile, the promise of a new hair cut, and a new pair of sunnies for the season. But all these things are just substitutes for that lovely inner contended feeling. The one I am blessed with most of the time, so when it goes - I feel a part of me is missing.


These things too shall pass I am told. And I do truly believe that 'Joy does come in the morning' I have known it so often. But sometimes the morning takes just a little bit longer to come than we hope for ey?


This week will end, and hopefully the next one will be a bit better.


It's so very humbling feeling weak, afraid and unable to cope. So far from the self I thought I would see in the mirror at this stage of my life.


But no one is exempt from feeling a bit, well crap I guess. We can all put in place a '5 point plan' for 'happiness' and 'health' but these plans don't allow for many things that life on this earth throws at us do they?


I rest in Him, and like the old skool song reminds me, ' He's got the whole world in His hands '