Thinkings

The one lovely thing about the middle and end of pregnancy for me, is, contrary to most people's experience, I get my brain back ! One of the hardest things to cope with about CFS, in my experience, is the mental/cognitive fatigue it causes. The physical is tricky, but to some extent there are things others and rest can do to aid this. But no one else can think/feel/ponder/interact on my behalf. It's a difficult thing to explain really, but anyway, when I'm pregnant this symptom is greatly reduced. For example, one of the reasons I find it really hard to do any cooking is because of the cognitive function it takes to do such a task as well as the physical. But when I'm pregnant, for some reason my brain can think more, and I don't get as drained doing certain tasks. Talking to people gets easier, even coping with stress. In my first pregnancy we moved house numerous times, had to arrange a fairly delayed and drawn out process of buying a house, and various other financial complications. But, you know, I just kind of managed it. I coped with it a hundred times better than If I hadn't been pregnant. Weird but true. Anyway, as I am fully emersed in the middle section of my pregnancy, some of this clear headed loveliness has come my way. And if I'm being really honest, It has made me feel great and pretty sad all at the same time. Sad that so many parts of me, which make me feel like me, are mostly hibernating. It's a tricky one to put into words, but by nature I have a pretty fast brain, I can just think quickly, organise, process, sort out, create. I'm no genius at all, but I do have a quick brain, and one which likes to create, most of all create and spend time with people. These things get taken from me when the CFS monster is at it's worse, and this is one part of it I will never adjust to, enjoy or become to at home with. 

So, for the next few months, while feeling physically exhausted, and plagued with all the usual pregnancy gripes. I have a tiny bit of my cognitive and spiritual energy back, a more relaxed, laid back stress free, creative Hannah emerges. 

There is a sense of dread that it will go again, and the thought that even decided what to eat for tea will be too much again.

But I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it, and enjoy the present ? That's my plan for now anyway.