Thinkings : Walking the tightrope

I'm getting back to writing 'unmasked', just sitting down and writing my thinkings, without too much forethought, or editing.....

These are my thinkings, as they are now.

I'm sure most people, at some point, can relate to life feeling like a tightrope walk, a constant balancing act.

That's the best way I can explain my life right now.............. It's exhilarating, and I love it, but staying on the rope is a balancing act to say the least ! Having two small children and CFS is quite a challenge. It does feel like I am constantly having to check, monitor, make sure that I am keeping everything in balance, so I don't fall off my very thin rope of coping, both physically and mentally. 

I have to say, that at the moment, I am mostly staying on, clinging with all my might, but staying on the rope none the less. I am hugely fortunate to have an amazing safety net underneath me for those times I fall.......... by doing a liiiiitle bit too much and tip the balance. At these times I often  need to spend a good few days of total rest in bed, to get myself back up there, walking the tightrope again.

I often say to my hero of a husbando, can you imagine how bad things would be if we didn't have friends and familiy helping, and money given to us to pay for the help we need ?......... a cleaner, an AMAZING girl who comes and helps me twice a week with the kids and household things while I rest if needs be. I try not to think about how bad it could be, and just enjoy the bits that are going well. 
But really, life would be awful if I didn't have so much support. 

It's humbling, If i'm totally honest, without having experienced such physical and emotional weakness on the journey I have been on having CFS for what is approaching 10 years, I would probably be someone who put my ability to cope with life, down to a good work ethic, determination, right choices...bla bla bla, you get the picture. It's scary to think just how proud I would probably be. But the fact is, I, and most people are only as strong as the people around us, and the love, care and good health we have had, or do still have which enable us to get up and function each day. There are some real grafters out there, who seem to soldier on despite all the odds, but mostly we are only as good as our physical and mental health will allow. 

I have been dealt an amazingly good hand in life. I have had a constant stream of people who love me, care for me and have helped as and when things have been hard. It pains me to see so many people in society labelled as lazy, drop outs or scroungers, when really, they just haven't been given the resources to succeed in the way others do. Don't get me wrong, I know there are people like that out there, but they are in the minority. Over the past few years I have had ( thankfully quite brief ) times times of depression type feelings, and an overwhelming sense of just not being able to keep going. I have had my eyes opened to the affect mental health problems have on people. So many are left unsupported and alone when walking their tightrope, they fall, and there is no net to catch them. 

I have a net, a very strong one, and this is why I can stay on my tightrope, there isn't the fear there, that as and when I do fall there will be no one there to catch and support me and my two little ones. 

I have a good net, it's strong, and constant.
If you are one of my people....... (you know who you are) 

Thankyou x

A few thoughts on a Thursday....

Well, today I thought I'd just sit and write, unedited, just as it is.
It's not been the easiest of weeks, so buckle in for the ride if you want to, if not - See you another time !

The past few weeks have just felt like hard work. I think most pregnant ladies with a 2 year old would say 'that's just how it is', and it is ! We had a wonderful time celebrating our little one's birthday. It did however co -incide with a few other things which in and of themselves shouldn't have been too hard to deal with, but all at once they really were. Mostly things like our car breaking down, and me being the only person available to sort it out. Getting new car sorted, birthday plans, and phone calls to builders about potential garage conversion. Mmmmmmm all just a bit much for a low energy one like myself. The beauty of having a teacher as a husband is that he gets loooooooong holidays, but the annoying thing is, there is NO flexibility when he can take time off. He doesn't have lunch breaks and kind of only gets to breathe at the end of the day. There are tons of professions like this, so i'm not saying he's the only one in this position, But it means that it falls to me to make calls, post things, and generally do our family 'admin'. It's not a huge job, and If i'm honest I feel embarrassed to admit I find it so hard. I have no idea what it is in my body and brain which doesn't cope well with stress, but it just doesn't. So at the start of this week, I found myself a bit of a wreck, emotional, hormonal ( hormones ey - pah ) and just a little overwhelmed at the tasks ahead, which really aren't that hard when you look at them on paper. I think I also might have little hamsters on wheels in the back of my brain, generating sub conscious anxiety about coping with the new addition to our family, I'm just not sure how I will cope, and how my body and mind will cope, and that is kinda scary. 

God is here, in the midst of it, and I have felt His peace and calm with me this past month, more than I have for a long time. But I know that God doesn't take everything hard and difficult away from us. I know plenty of ladies who have had crippling PND, or awful birth experiences, and I had what I can only describe as a horrendous 6 months when my little tyke reached the weaning stage. So, yeah, I do pray and believe that God will be with me in whatever there is to cope with, but the child in me, just wants to have a tantrum, and run away and hide from it all. Jesus asked His father to 'take this cup of suffering away from him' and was in such a state he cried blood. So if Jesus reacted like that, then I am coming to realise It's ok to ask God to take suffering and difficulty away, but equally realise that He doesn't always. ............how we are meant to get our head around this I don't know !

A close friend of mine lost her son last year, and the anniversary of his death was on Little Tykes birthday, that was strange. I'm not someone who detaches easily from friend's pain and I think I felt heavy with it this week. Only a fraction of what she and her family must feel, I can't imagine how they have to get up every day bearing such grief. But I refuse to go through life shielding myself from other's anguish, it's a costly thing to do, but worth it I think.

We saw our little baby wriggling around inside it's safe watery cacoon yesterday. Scans are amazing ey ? Such a wonderful thing to see. All is healthy, and I felt so very happy to know that as far as anyone can say, we have a healthy baby cooking away. We are blessed, REALLY blessed. Despite the discomfort of pregnancy, and difficulty of times present and ones not yet lived, I feel so happy to have 2 children. 

Let the good times roll is what I say ! ( and PLEASE God grant me the grace to get through the hard times without going totally insane )

more thinkings.......

I'm not entirely what prompted me to write this post today, but here it is...


A while back a friend asked me, 'how do you cope with having been ill for so long, and having a baby to look after ' i just answered her, ' I don't always'  - cos sometimes, I don't. I think 'coping ' is overrated. This weekend has been lovely, and in the 'coping' stakes I am doing fairly well at the moment, but that's not always the case, and I don't think it is for anyone, is it ........?


Today I saw a lady who recently lost her beautiful baby daughter. Last week, a friend whose Son has been tragically taken to be with his maker far sooner than she was ready for. Both are going through horrendous berievement. Of course they will spend days when they can't get out of bed, cos the emotional exhuastion of grief is just too much. But there is a need to dialogue on how 'well' they are coping, or if they'r up and about. Now don't get me wrong, most people I know are hugely compassionate in nature, and aren't rushing any of my friends to be running around with smiles on their faces all day, but our culture seems to be all about the coping doesn't it.


When I watch news footage of wailing ladies in a war torn country kneeling around the body of their loved one, lamenting and crying as their emotional agony has nowhere to go, but escape in a heart felt scream. I think I have a lot to learn from them, from their freedom in expression, their complete submersion in the moment they are going through.


So many people in our society suffer depression at some point in their lives, depression is a far too wider term I think, and is very misunderstood, but much of it is suppressed emotion, denied feelings finally coming to the surface. I am determined to do my best to have days where I don't cope, where I do fall apart a little, where the raw emotion of the small difficulties of my life ( because really, they are small when you think of the grand scheme of things) , or the lives of others around me gets to me. It has too, it will only catch up with me eventually.


I have hair dye to cover up my ageing hair, make up to cover my dark circled eyes, a credit loan to cover up my debt, and happy photos on facebook which publicise the happy shots, but neglect to showcase all the moments in between when there are tears, arguments and grumpiness.


We have to choose a safe place for these feeling to come out ofcourse, a meltdown in tescos is never the best place, but I say lets all give up coping quite so much. Have a pj day, cry your heart out once in a while, and for goodness sake don't tell yourself you should be coping if your not !


Coping is overrated.

Falling apart, every now and then I think is what life is all about.