Well, today I thought I'd just sit and write, unedited, just as it is.
It's not been the easiest of weeks, so buckle in for the ride if you want to, if not - See you another time !
The past few weeks have just felt like hard work. I think most pregnant ladies with a 2 year old would say 'that's just how it is', and it is ! We had a wonderful time celebrating our little one's birthday. It did however co -incide with a few other things which in and of themselves shouldn't have been too hard to deal with, but all at once they really were. Mostly things like our car breaking down, and me being the only person available to sort it out. Getting new car sorted, birthday plans, and phone calls to builders about potential garage conversion. Mmmmmmm all just a bit much for a low energy one like myself. The beauty of having a teacher as a husband is that he gets loooooooong holidays, but the annoying thing is, there is NO flexibility when he can take time off. He doesn't have lunch breaks and kind of only gets to breathe at the end of the day. There are tons of professions like this, so i'm not saying he's the only one in this position, But it means that it falls to me to make calls, post things, and generally do our family 'admin'. It's not a huge job, and If i'm honest I feel embarrassed to admit I find it so hard. I have no idea what it is in my body and brain which doesn't cope well with stress, but it just doesn't. So at the start of this week, I found myself a bit of a wreck, emotional, hormonal ( hormones ey - pah ) and just a little overwhelmed at the tasks ahead, which really aren't that hard when you look at them on paper. I think I also might have little hamsters on wheels in the back of my brain, generating sub conscious anxiety about coping with the new addition to our family, I'm just not sure how I will cope, and how my body and mind will cope, and that is kinda scary.
God is here, in the midst of it, and I have felt His peace and calm with me this past month, more than I have for a long time. But I know that God doesn't take everything hard and difficult away from us. I know plenty of ladies who have had crippling PND, or awful birth experiences, and I had what I can only describe as a horrendous 6 months when my little tyke reached the weaning stage. So, yeah, I do pray and believe that God will be with me in whatever there is to cope with, but the child in me, just wants to have a tantrum, and run away and hide from it all. Jesus asked His father to 'take this cup of suffering away from him' and was in such a state he cried blood. So if Jesus reacted like that, then I am coming to realise It's ok to ask God to take suffering and difficulty away, but equally realise that He doesn't always. ............how we are meant to get our head around this I don't know !
A close friend of mine lost her son last year, and the anniversary of his death was on Little Tykes birthday, that was strange. I'm not someone who detaches easily from friend's pain and I think I felt heavy with it this week. Only a fraction of what she and her family must feel, I can't imagine how they have to get up every day bearing such grief. But I refuse to go through life shielding myself from other's anguish, it's a costly thing to do, but worth it I think.
We saw our little baby wriggling around inside it's safe watery cacoon yesterday. Scans are amazing ey ? Such a wonderful thing to see. All is healthy, and I felt so very happy to know that as far as anyone can say, we have a healthy baby cooking away. We are blessed, REALLY blessed. Despite the discomfort of pregnancy, and difficulty of times present and ones not yet lived, I feel so happy to have 2 children.
Let the good times roll is what I say ! ( and PLEASE God grant me the grace to get through the hard times without going totally insane )