I'm getting back to writing 'unmasked', just sitting down and writing my thinkings, without too much forethought, or editing.....
These are my thinkings, as they are now.
I'm sure most people, at some point, can relate to life feeling like a tightrope walk, a constant balancing act.
That's the best way I can explain my life right now.............. It's exhilarating, and I love it, but staying on the rope is a balancing act to say the least ! Having two small children and CFS is quite a challenge. It does feel like I am constantly having to check, monitor, make sure that I am keeping everything in balance, so I don't fall off my very thin rope of coping, both physically and mentally.
I have to say, that at the moment, I am mostly staying on, clinging with all my might, but staying on the rope none the less. I am hugely fortunate to have an amazing safety net underneath me for those times I fall.......... by doing a liiiiitle bit too much and tip the balance. At these times I often need to spend a good few days of total rest in bed, to get myself back up there, walking the tightrope again.
I often say to my hero of a husbando, can you imagine how bad things would be if we didn't have friends and familiy helping, and money given to us to pay for the help we need ?......... a cleaner, an AMAZING girl who comes and helps me twice a week with the kids and household things while I rest if needs be. I try not to think about how bad it could be, and just enjoy the bits that are going well.
But really, life would be awful if I didn't have so much support.
It's humbling, If i'm totally honest, without having experienced such physical and emotional weakness on the journey I have been on having CFS for what is approaching 10 years, I would probably be someone who put my ability to cope with life, down to a good work ethic, determination, right choices...bla bla bla, you get the picture. It's scary to think just how proud I would probably be. But the fact is, I, and most people are only as strong as the people around us, and the love, care and good health we have had, or do still have which enable us to get up and function each day. There are some real grafters out there, who seem to soldier on despite all the odds, but mostly we are only as good as our physical and mental health will allow.
I have been dealt an amazingly good hand in life. I have had a constant stream of people who love me, care for me and have helped as and when things have been hard. It pains me to see so many people in society labelled as lazy, drop outs or scroungers, when really, they just haven't been given the resources to succeed in the way others do. Don't get me wrong, I know there are people like that out there, but they are in the minority. Over the past few years I have had ( thankfully quite brief ) times times of depression type feelings, and an overwhelming sense of just not being able to keep going. I have had my eyes opened to the affect mental health problems have on people. So many are left unsupported and alone when walking their tightrope, they fall, and there is no net to catch them.
I have a net, a very strong one, and this is why I can stay on my tightrope, there isn't the fear there, that as and when I do fall there will be no one there to catch and support me and my two little ones.
I have a good net, it's strong, and constant.
If you are one of my people....... (you know who you are)