Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Just a Wednesday......

Today is Wednesday, just a normal Wednesday. DaddyDeano is gearing up to go back to work full time, he's been going into work mornings for a few days to get some things done. So this week has almost been an 'easing us back into normal life week'. It's been an interesting summer holiday. If I'm being totally honest, it hasn't been brilliant. Me very sick, and my lovely husbando tired and still fairly stressed with work despite not being there a whole lot. It's tough when you have things to plan and prep for, whilst also trying to take a break. But I have to remind myself how much harder these past 5 weeks would have been if he hadn't been off work. I have been in bed a lot, and going it alone would have been really tough. But, life continues on monday as normal, ready or not. On the plus side, being too ill to do a whole lot has meant we haven't been out and about on as many day trips as we would have been, thus saving us from spending money we don't have......why is it that august always costs so much !???

I'm not really one to make huge 'goals' for a new term, I am by nature quite a task focussed person, and don't need the encouragement of a goal type thing to get me to achieve/focus on something. I have found that having CFS only makes this practise very very frustrating. Setting a 'goal' which you are then unable to achieve through no fault of your own is just plain demoralising. I am a subconsious goal setter though, I have always got something I want to 'get done' and am learning to make these things teeny tiny so that they are actually achievable. This holiday time I have managed to paint our kitchen windowsill, sort out one box full of papers and filing which has sat neglected for more than a few years, and thrown out 4 bags of rubbish, just stuff which really should have been disposed of on a week to week basis, but has just lingered under sofas, in corners, stashed in drawers or on top of the fridge. Yes it has taken 5 weeks to achieve these small things, but in between vomitting, sleeping and toddler juggling, I feel quite proud of myself ! I could list all the things I haven't done, which I would have loved to do, but today I choose not to.

But as we dive into another academic year I do want to stay focussed on what I am doing............. I am housing a growing life inside me, and that is a tiring job. I am making parenting decisions, even if at times my body is too weak to carry them out, even at the hands of others who care for my little tyke, I am her mother and the one who is guiding her through her toddler years, It is my decisions which affect her the most, and I really want to be aware of this. I have realised that I will probably need more help with her this next year, in whatever form, but regardless of where she spends a few hours each day, she comes home to me, and calls me Mummy. In the times I know will come in this pregnancy and beyond, where I am just incapable of caring for her in the way I would like, I am determined to not let that make me feel like I have failed her, but that having a sometimes frail Mum is just part of her journey in life. It will grow things in her character and prepare her for things that I, as yet, have no idea about. She is God's child and I have to trust her to Him. 

( please feel free to remind me of this resolve, when in a few weeks I write a lamenting post about being in bed and missing out on life ! )

My Sister in Law, reminded me of this verse in Psalms recently......

 'God, our protector, keep us in mind; always give strength to your people. For if we can be with you even one day, it is better than a thousand without you.' (Psalm 84:10-11) 

It served as a timely reminder, that He is not only my protector, but being with Him each day in whatever small form is what I'm aiming for.

Oh yeah, and a guy named Pablo delivered us yet another chest of drawers ( ebay purchase ) to house our growing ammonst of 'stuff '. I think I might be developing an addiction to chests of drawers and storage solutions. I blame the hormones, always the hormones.

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