I am excited, rather nervous and feeling very sick. It's been weird writing blog posts the past few months and not mention something which is all consuming, and life changing I guess. Pregnancy and I don't seem to mix hugely well - I am a kind of 'feel sick 24/7' kind of girl, so the last few months have been joyful, but pretty tough going too. I feel very blessed to be carrying a new life, It's easy to take it for granted, but I know it's a privilege, and one not everyone gets to experience.
So I shall try and keep the moaning about puking to a minimum ( try ! )
Here's a post I wrote about two months ago...........
A few weeks ago, I found out I am pregnant. The line on the test surprised me. It took quite a long time to get pregnant with my daughter, and I just thought the same would be true again. But a positive test is just the long road on a journey to actually giving birth isn't it. I've had a couple of miscarriages, so know that a pregnancy doesn't always end in the way you'd like it. This kind of means that some of the excitement of finding out I'm pregnant has been taken away. But it's still exciting, a bit. I think I'll feel it more when we get past the first trimester and things seem to be okay. If all goes according to plan ( And i keep telling myself 'why should it not' ) we'll have another baby in February.
This feels like a nice time, we'll get to the really tired 'we've not slept for 5 months' bit in July, just in time for the husband to have 6 weeks off work, so I am kind of hoping that will make that stage a little easier. ( I like to presume that a baby won't sleep through til maybe 9 months if your lucky, and anything before then is a bonus - saves a lot of frustration and disappointment ! ) So I'm already planning coping strategies for this time. Plan for the worst and hope for the best ! ;)
When I was pregnant with my Little Tyke, I was really sick, and I remember thinking how on earth I'd do this again with a toddler, but now I'm not that bothered. I know it will be tough, but I think the thing that scares me the most is getting as exhausted and sometimes bed bound as I did last time when she was about 6 months, and feeling a bit out of control mentally too. Mental feelings of unwellness are far worse than physical in my experience. Feeling not like myself and a bit like I can't get up and face the day is just the worse thing I've ever felt. So yesterday as I threw up, felt dizzy and staggered around a bit while attempting to look after a toddler, I actually managed better than I thought I would. I realise when I've got a big belly, and a pelvis that causes me pain - I may find it harder. But it's funny how what you once thought you wouldn't be able to cope with, can fade into insignificance when you've been through something so much harder.
Yes we'll need to pay for extra help in the early days, which will be a strain on our already stretched finances, but another thing I have had the pleasure of experiencing is God's provision through very very generous friends and family, and the government a little bit too. So while the worry around being too unwell to work after baby number 1 was huge, now I know that somehow we'll make it through, and my slightly malfunctioning body can only cope with a few things, and working as well as caring for a little one, getting up and dressed for the day, isn't something I can do. This used to bother me, I hate to think people would think that I was just being lazy, but now, I don't care. The people who I love the most know that's not true, and the people who I don't, to be honest, I don't care what they think anymore.
There were things about pregnancy I loved last time, the feeling of having a moving person inside is just amazing, I loved getting to know her movements, and as I was quite unwell spent a lot of time sitting in bed with the time to notice these things, I know this pregnancy it may be different. In some ways I feel sad that this will be the last time I'll be part of creating another human. I'd love more kids, but think 2 will be it for us, and I am grateful for these two. In my mind our new little one is already here, s/he is just inside growing, but still very much alive and a part of our family. I hope s/he sticks around. I don't want to have another miscarriage.
I saw it's little heart beating away on the scan yesterday, only 3mm long and barely visible it's still so early, but it was there. There was talk of two pregnancy sacks, but THANKFULLY the second was just a blood vessel - they think..........two babies at once would send me over the edge. Just one baby please ! Back in 10 days to confirm there's just one.
I know that for many, pregnancy doesn't end in a healthy baby, or a baby at all. This makes me sad, I'm not someone who is oblivious to what can go wrong, so find it hard to balance this knowledge with relaxing knowing that it is more likely to be okay than not, and enjoying the expectant feeling of waiting to meet my baby.
My last labour was straightforward and quick...please let the next one be too. But maybe not too much quicker. Giving birth alone in the house while looking after a toddler is probably not the safest method of delivery.... :) But that's a long way off yet. One step at a time ey.
So there it is, a new life growing away, kicking and developing without any conscious effort from me. It really is a wonderful wonderful miracle. Thankyou God for including me in your creation of another person. And please if possible can I stop feeling quite so ill soon !