Rightness and Love

Having mostly 'blogged' about family life and LT recently, I feel the need to put my mind to something else. The last month has been all about getting some practical jobs done while there is a bit of corporate energy, and time off work in the Deane house. Christmas holidays will be full of visiting family and being festive, then a baby will arrive about 6 weeks after this, so I decided October was the month for 'getting things done'. We are progressing, when I have a wee bit of energy floating around, I scare myself at just how task focussed I am, seriously, it's like a thread running through me which I can't get rid of ! Much to my poor husbando's frustration a 'dog with a bone' has been the best way to describe my constant nagging, cajoling and attempting to get some 'sorting out' done these past few weeks.

It's weird how different we all are ey ? Some of us can just sit around and blindly forget about all the things which need to be 'done', other's can't rest well until they are done. I generally fall into the last category unless very unwell with CFS, then I don't care at all.

So many arguments are caused by our sense of  'rightness' though, our way is the best way, the 'right' way to be. Parenting brings up lots of these thoughts and feelings too. We can only parent from who we are, and we are all so very different. I have friends who all sleep in a big bed together, in a glorious cacophony of legs, arms and sleepless nights, right through to friends who put their babies in their own room from birth, enforced a strict routine and have immaculate houses. Although we all say we know 'it's down to personal choice', if we are REALLY honest, we all do have a little bit in us which thinks we are doing it more right than others, and more wrong that the other others !

I have seen this sense of 'rightness' in religious matters too, and although I do have beliefs which I think are the truth, so much time is wasted on exerting our 'rightness' on others, we forget to love, to listen and to, well, be nice people. I once heard a lady say 'niceness is never over rated' I think it was Heidi Baker.

I can do so much less than I hoped I would at this stage of my life, some of those expectations were false, some not. But one thing I know I can do, need to do, have to make a priority is being 'nice' to people, and mostly my husband and children. I am quite good at being nice to those I know,  or neighbours, old people in a supermarket, but the real challenge comes in tolerance and love for my own family. I know this is my biggest test, the biggest hurdle I face, more than a career progression or anything else I may have liked to 'do'. I recently read 1 Corinthians 13 at a wedding, you know the 'Love is patient, Love is kind' one, and have attempted to keep looking at it, to get it into my head. More than a tidy garage and all the clutter getting into the loft, I have to allow Love, real honest Love, to be a priority in our family. Another wise person once said  'men may be the head of the house, but the women set the tone for it', and to some extent I think this to be true, gulp.....a hard thing to realise.
I can so easily slip into that thing lots of us task focussed ladies do, just seeing all the things our husbands/patners/housemates haven't done yet, the shelves not put up, the phone calls not made, and I am SO very guilty of this, I keep these thoughts mostly to myself but they are still there. It's a tough balance to strike, but I know I want to keep on at this Loving thing, the cherishing thing, the being nice thing. Honesty is of course important, but I long for Love to triumph over my desire to get a task finished, ticked off and completed.

Sometimes being task focussed feels like more of a curse than a blessing !

This remains my challenge, and I imagine it will for decades to come, but I like a challenge :)


p.s

I read the blog of sarah bessey, and this post has really stuck with me. She often puts into words so eloquently what I want to say/express/mull over, and I particularly like this entry. Just thought you may like it too :)

Balloons

A week ago we were at a friend's wedding, This is my Little Tyke, in a moment where I was sat down resting my weary legs while Daddy took over the childcare. I have to be honest, she was in an awkward mood, a little obnoxious, a little bored and tired......not the best combination ! 

Thankfully there were balloons, and she loves them, really loves them. Infact, today we visited some lovely friends, I asked her at bath time if she'd had a nice time at their house, she just looked at me, and said 'no balloons', I think that demonstrates how she measures things right now.

The purple balloon in this bunch came home with us, and she has carried it around like a pet all week. Seriously, I have had to hold it while she was 'busy playing', it all got a little ridiculous. Sadly, true to scientific theory, the helium effect hasn't lasted forever, so today, she was crestfallen that her balloon wouldn't 'go up'.... (needless to say her Dad saw fit to inhale the remaining helium and do a squeaky voice ) 

Alas the purple balloon has met it's end.

Half term is over, the purple balloon provided a week of entertainment for my little two year old loopy lou, on to the next week without it. 

Precious moments

There are lots of precious moments when bringing up small children. 

Here are a few of those precious moments we shared last weekend.....

Time with my Grandparents who I love very much, and who love us all very much right back.

They have 14 Great Grandchildren but greeted Willow as if she was the only one. They are wonderful people and we are truly blessed to have them in our lives.

It's Tuesday ! So it's time for ten

Well, it's suddenly Tuesday and I seem to have neglected this here blog a little lately, Due to doing a few more things than normal, so not entirely bad.

1. We went out for a lovely trip to a park near our house on Saturday morning, huge majestic trees dropping their leaves, and gorgeous sunshine waking us all up a little bit. I took my camera, but STUPIDLY it didn't have the sd card in it....DOH. Silly silly silly. But there are beautiful Autumnal photos in my brain so I guess that will have to do.

2. Little tyke and I have had colds for the past week, nothing too awful, just snotty noses and grumpiness. I was bracing myself for feeling really rough, but thankfully that didn't happen.....phew. LT really has shown her strength of will this week, that joined up with being a bit under the weather has made her more hard work. Makes me realise how easy she usually is ! 

3. We are going to a friend's wedding this weekend, and I can't wait. We also get to see my lovely Grandparents, who I haven't seen since LT was about 3 months old, so as you can imagine, I'm looking forward to that too. Got a bit of a shock when typing in the journey details into google maps, as I scrolled down it gave me an 'estimated cost of fuel' shhhhhesh, fuel has got expensive, and when you don't get much change from £100 for a return journey, things have certainly got a little crazy. CRAZY I tell you. 

4.  I had this crazy moment last Thursday, while lying in bed. LT goes to her Nan's for the afternoon on a Thursday so I can rest. I spent a bit of time on the laptop and suddenly I'd done all our Christmas shopping, just like that. I don't find Christmas shopping particularly stressful, and quite enjoy it, so it's not something I felt I had to 'get done' , but for some reason ( I blame the early nesting instincts!) I just got the urge to get it all in and sorted out. Never before have I been so organised !

5. Our little baby cooking away is of the boy variety, so I am already attempting to stop myself from spending money we don't have on clothes that aren't pink ! So far I'm doing well. Think we have lots of lovely hand me downs coming our way for him, so that will be fun - rooting through boxes of things other little people have worn already. I'm not fussy where clothes come from, for me rooting through a box of second hand things is just as fun as picking your own. ( although sometimes I know exactly what I want and it's not in the box, in this instance, shopping must be done ! )  I think we have gone a bit crazy how much money we spend on babies in this country, it seems so incongruous when there are babies without basic sanitation or food and our little ones walk around in outfits which cost huge ammonts of money. I'm still trying to get the balance on this issue......looooong way to go before I get my head around it though. 

6. Last few points all about the Little tyke of mine...... a few sniffly days at home, doing this.....

 watching this.......

7. Bringing in the harvest this morning after breakfast, a little trip to the garden and look what we found.....

 She insisted that she wanted to wash the tomatoes.....

 scrub scrub.......

  
8. Paints discovered shortly afterwards.......

 ( paint then walked up the stairs carpet.....arrrrg, wet cloth, apply cleaner, scrub affected area, repeat )

9. New birthday coat, this child now has 3 winter coats........sure that's not right ! This one was a gift from her Great Aunty, all warm and snug.

10. I read this psalm this week. Wonderful words.

'I give thanks to you oh Lord with all my heart, I will sing before your holy temple as I worship

I will praise your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness, for your promises are backed by the honor of your name' 

Psalm 138 v 1-3

TEN on Tuesday

1. Last week was our 20 week scan....baby is all healthy and well as far as anyone can tell. Phew.
I have gone into 'baby prep' mode. Which is fairly early, but with potential of garage renovations, then that end of year festivity, and the inevitable (still hoping to prevent it) SPD at the end of pregnancy where I can't bend or move much, I am doing a bit of sorting and planning where I can now.

2. Autumn has well and truly set in, and it's lovely. The sun has really come out hasn't it......beautiful fresh mornings. Lovely.

3. Lots of my friends are having their second babies right now, which is making me very broody, given the ever expanding belly - this is only a good thing I guess.

4. I had the ridiculous thought of ' oh I don't feel too horrendously sick now, maybe a third baby will happen one day ' mmmmm, maybe not !

5. Our house has that post christmas feel at the moment, lots of birthday toys which haven't yet found their home.......lots of mess and chaos. Time to find them a home me thinks.

6. Got a cold yesterday and forgot how annoying it is not to be able to take anything. I was a bit cheeky though and went to the pharmacy to see if I could buy some corvonia throat spray......the lady clearly couldn't work out if I was pregnant or not, and spent a few seconds working out how to word it just incase she was wrong - Being quite tall means that my bump isn't easily hidden under the counter ! I put the poor woman out of her misery and told her. Throat spray instantly denied. So instead I have gargled TCP.......can't see how that is any better, but there's no way I'm getting an infected throat.


7. The lovely Husbando is going through the wonderful process of Ofsted this week, it has beautifully co incided with LT suddenly waking up naughty ! So tonight there is an exhausted husband and a HUGE stain on our stairs carpet where our little darling squirted foundation everywhere. ( I am pretty good at getting stains out of carpet, but this one is bad, really greasy, makeup stain bad )

8. Really can't think of anything vaguely interesting for number 8.


9. I think I may have overdosed slightly on panel type shows. I seem to watch quite a lot of them, you know you watch too many when you can predict what Sarah Millican or David Mitchell will say, and can also imitate Jimmy Carrs laugh with scary precision.


10. Anyone else totally fed up of politicians ? Seriously, come on people sort yourself out. And if anyone else suggests that Boris Johnson should be prime minister...............

Weekend in pictures

The camera came out to play at the weekend. My lovely sister came to stay, the sun came out, and there was enough energy to get out for a few hours. Bliss.

We FINALY made it to a local national trust place, the trees were beautiful, the playpark safe and clean, and the cake delicious. 

Here are a few snapshots.

Climbing around

  There should always be cake

Beautiful leaves, light and colour

Just a little help needed up the big kids climbing frame

A few thoughts on a Thursday....

Well, today I thought I'd just sit and write, unedited, just as it is.
It's not been the easiest of weeks, so buckle in for the ride if you want to, if not - See you another time !

The past few weeks have just felt like hard work. I think most pregnant ladies with a 2 year old would say 'that's just how it is', and it is ! We had a wonderful time celebrating our little one's birthday. It did however co -incide with a few other things which in and of themselves shouldn't have been too hard to deal with, but all at once they really were. Mostly things like our car breaking down, and me being the only person available to sort it out. Getting new car sorted, birthday plans, and phone calls to builders about potential garage conversion. Mmmmmmm all just a bit much for a low energy one like myself. The beauty of having a teacher as a husband is that he gets loooooooong holidays, but the annoying thing is, there is NO flexibility when he can take time off. He doesn't have lunch breaks and kind of only gets to breathe at the end of the day. There are tons of professions like this, so i'm not saying he's the only one in this position, But it means that it falls to me to make calls, post things, and generally do our family 'admin'. It's not a huge job, and If i'm honest I feel embarrassed to admit I find it so hard. I have no idea what it is in my body and brain which doesn't cope well with stress, but it just doesn't. So at the start of this week, I found myself a bit of a wreck, emotional, hormonal ( hormones ey - pah ) and just a little overwhelmed at the tasks ahead, which really aren't that hard when you look at them on paper. I think I also might have little hamsters on wheels in the back of my brain, generating sub conscious anxiety about coping with the new addition to our family, I'm just not sure how I will cope, and how my body and mind will cope, and that is kinda scary. 

God is here, in the midst of it, and I have felt His peace and calm with me this past month, more than I have for a long time. But I know that God doesn't take everything hard and difficult away from us. I know plenty of ladies who have had crippling PND, or awful birth experiences, and I had what I can only describe as a horrendous 6 months when my little tyke reached the weaning stage. So, yeah, I do pray and believe that God will be with me in whatever there is to cope with, but the child in me, just wants to have a tantrum, and run away and hide from it all. Jesus asked His father to 'take this cup of suffering away from him' and was in such a state he cried blood. So if Jesus reacted like that, then I am coming to realise It's ok to ask God to take suffering and difficulty away, but equally realise that He doesn't always. ............how we are meant to get our head around this I don't know !

A close friend of mine lost her son last year, and the anniversary of his death was on Little Tykes birthday, that was strange. I'm not someone who detaches easily from friend's pain and I think I felt heavy with it this week. Only a fraction of what she and her family must feel, I can't imagine how they have to get up every day bearing such grief. But I refuse to go through life shielding myself from other's anguish, it's a costly thing to do, but worth it I think.

We saw our little baby wriggling around inside it's safe watery cacoon yesterday. Scans are amazing ey ? Such a wonderful thing to see. All is healthy, and I felt so very happy to know that as far as anyone can say, we have a healthy baby cooking away. We are blessed, REALLY blessed. Despite the discomfort of pregnancy, and difficulty of times present and ones not yet lived, I feel so happy to have 2 children. 

Let the good times roll is what I say ! ( and PLEASE God grant me the grace to get through the hard times without going totally insane )

Ten on Tuesday

This week is a picturey birthday-ey Ten.

There has been a distinct lack of cropping or editing of these birthday snap shots. I have had a bad ass headache on and off for ten days, and the screen time isn't helping.....so here they are, rough and ready. Just like her birthday celebrations, cake and weekend were. Perfect for a 2 year old who doesn't know any different ! 

Cakey cake

 Lovely Grandma

 'Oooooh what's inside'

 Very pleased with her new table

 Her favourite part of birthdays....Balloons !

 Fairy birthday girl

 Bit of 'end of party come down' with an episode of peppa.

The morning after, she woke as a Ladybird.

 Birthday take two......MORE PRESENTS !

Post birthday clear-up-  this was after we'd tidied up, well I say 'we' what I mean is my lovely parents and Husbando.