Thinkings : Walking the tightrope

I'm getting back to writing 'unmasked', just sitting down and writing my thinkings, without too much forethought, or editing.....

These are my thinkings, as they are now.

I'm sure most people, at some point, can relate to life feeling like a tightrope walk, a constant balancing act.

That's the best way I can explain my life right now.............. It's exhilarating, and I love it, but staying on the rope is a balancing act to say the least ! Having two small children and CFS is quite a challenge. It does feel like I am constantly having to check, monitor, make sure that I am keeping everything in balance, so I don't fall off my very thin rope of coping, both physically and mentally. 

I have to say, that at the moment, I am mostly staying on, clinging with all my might, but staying on the rope none the less. I am hugely fortunate to have an amazing safety net underneath me for those times I fall.......... by doing a liiiiitle bit too much and tip the balance. At these times I often  need to spend a good few days of total rest in bed, to get myself back up there, walking the tightrope again.

I often say to my hero of a husbando, can you imagine how bad things would be if we didn't have friends and familiy helping, and money given to us to pay for the help we need ?......... a cleaner, an AMAZING girl who comes and helps me twice a week with the kids and household things while I rest if needs be. I try not to think about how bad it could be, and just enjoy the bits that are going well. 
But really, life would be awful if I didn't have so much support. 

It's humbling, If i'm totally honest, without having experienced such physical and emotional weakness on the journey I have been on having CFS for what is approaching 10 years, I would probably be someone who put my ability to cope with life, down to a good work ethic, determination, right choices...bla bla bla, you get the picture. It's scary to think just how proud I would probably be. But the fact is, I, and most people are only as strong as the people around us, and the love, care and good health we have had, or do still have which enable us to get up and function each day. There are some real grafters out there, who seem to soldier on despite all the odds, but mostly we are only as good as our physical and mental health will allow. 

I have been dealt an amazingly good hand in life. I have had a constant stream of people who love me, care for me and have helped as and when things have been hard. It pains me to see so many people in society labelled as lazy, drop outs or scroungers, when really, they just haven't been given the resources to succeed in the way others do. Don't get me wrong, I know there are people like that out there, but they are in the minority. Over the past few years I have had ( thankfully quite brief ) times times of depression type feelings, and an overwhelming sense of just not being able to keep going. I have had my eyes opened to the affect mental health problems have on people. So many are left unsupported and alone when walking their tightrope, they fall, and there is no net to catch them. 

I have a net, a very strong one, and this is why I can stay on my tightrope, there isn't the fear there, that as and when I do fall there will be no one there to catch and support me and my two little ones. 

I have a good net, it's strong, and constant.
If you are one of my people....... (you know who you are) 

Thankyou x

Week in Pictures

I have been rather snap happy this week, 

First, it's all about the boy.

He is just so utterly scrumptious .........

  There is a lotta love for this chap in our house .........

And what is not to Love ?

Pretty in bloom

 There was a kind of 'abney and teal' inspired creative play session in our house on Thursday.....It was all going on....

I introduce you to 'Neep's relations' and 'Toby dog'...

Abney and Teal's Island .....

If you know not of Abney and Teal, do a little googling, have a watch on the cbeebies iplayer, it is kids tv at it's most creative, bizarre and lovely.

And finally.....a good bit of Thomas the Tank.

James the engine poised for action.

That, my friends, is my 'week in pictures' !

Realisation

Last week, I had a feeling, a sudden realisation, that in some ways, the hardest part is done.

There will be weeks of no sleep, stress and all the other things written in the small print of the parenting ticket, but I have done it. 
My slightly disfunctional body has grown two babies, sustained them for a few months and got through those early newborn days.

I feel utter relief, and such a sense of excitement at the times ahead to come. 

I am enjoying the present moments, not all, but most. 

This past week, I sat in my garden, looked at my girl singing to herself while painting her hands a muddy shade of green she had made by mixing all her paints together. Then I looked down into my arms and saw his squashyness's blue eyes gazing intently at me as he chewed earnestly on his fingers.

I did it, I am doing it, I am a Mum of two beautiful, messy, exhausting, creations.

It feels good. Really good.

Week in pictures

Check out this velvety beauty growing in our garden !

Little hand.......

 Sun came out......... flipady flop

Painting in the sunshine

When a face looks like this.....

It's cos we made these.........

And if you're only 14 weeks old, you just sit around and look like this................

So glad we made it

After a week of staying at home being unwell, we managed to drag ourselves out on Saturday. It felt good to dust off the cobwebs and do something different from the daily grind.

Where we live there is a big ferris wheel type thing, a bit like the London eye, but not as big, so we like to refer to it as the 'Liverpool squint'. 

It's been around for years now but we have never been on it, but we finally made it.

Here we are posing for the camera !

Lunch out afterwards at the dockside.....lovelyness.

Couldn't resist adding this one is, little squash riding shotgun next to his Daddy.

I should probably add that I don't think I took most of these photos as was kind of sharing the camera with my kind of brother in law ( he isn't technically, but I think of him that way )