Day trips and birthdays

In a week or two, my littlest Deane, will be One. 

One whole year of pooing, eating, crying and bringing mostly joy into my life. Celebrating his birthday will be a little different from how we celebrated his big sister's. No tea party with other 'baby friends', we are going to keep it just family. One of the things I have always thought about first birthday's,  is that they are more for the parents than the kids, and thats ok. Celebration of a year survived and mostly flourishing. We ( I ) really wanted to go on a family trip to an aquarium. Little tyke, my 3 yr old loves fish and all things aquatic, and little little chap will stare and enjoy most things. I wanted to go on a little trip somewhere, mostly because thats what families do isn't it ? The CFS monster seems to have beem kinder to me over the past few months, so half a day out somewhere is now possible ( woop woop !).

I'm beginning to look at places to go, things we could do, but woooooah it has kind of slapped me in the face how much all these things cost. And if I'm really honest, the reality that we can't afford to be a family which frequently goes to places like this, has kind of hit me hard. Its a weird thing, because I grew up in a family in the 80s, with four little people in it, and like most other families then, going to the zoo/aquarium/fairground etc was a rare thing. A countryside walk was our entertainment and we loved it. But I guess now, these things are more common place, and I have suprised myself at how much I want my kids to go places just like other kids do.

I know in my 'knower' that at the ages of 1 and 3, a trip to a park and an ice cream is going to bring them much joy and delight, I know that when we go camping in May, running around a field in the long grass, will be the thing they remember - Not that we didn't go to an Aquarium or Zoo on their birthdays, but it's still there, nagging in my mind, that I want them to ..…do….enjoy…..experience.
We really are pack animals us humans aren't we ? We like to do what other people are doing, And I am no exception!

We have a season pass to a safari park which is near our home, and my kids have an abundance of toys, friends and fun makers in their lives. They really do lack nothing, but I am much more content about the fact that I will probably buy most of my clothes secondhand for the foreseeable future….than I feel about my kids missing out on something. 
We have a lovely house, filled with beautiful things, have more clothes than we need........and are constantly amazed at how people help us out to enable us to pay for things to make our lives easier while my health isn't great.

But where my kids are concerned I want them to have it all.

Not sure if this feeling will ever go, but for now I want to admit it's there, and not bankrupt us in the persuit of fulfilling it !

A chilly day

On my birthday just before Christmas, we popped along to a nearby National Trust haunt.

It was one of those delightfully crisp, and chilly  winters day.

Trips out like this are what I live for really, It sounds trite, but it's the sum total of all I love about life, being out in God's amazing creation, with my beautiful family. 

Thinkings

Sometimes it can feel like a bit from the bible is kind of chasing me around.

It's always a good thing when this happens, I guess I feel like it's the way the Big Guy up there reminds me of something, or, it's just a coincidence.

I'll let you decide that.

Either way, When it happens I need to remember to write it down, so here it is ;

'Faith that can move mountains'…….it's a phrase you can hear a lot when part of a charismatic faith filled church. It's a great one line phrase. Which can stir everyone into a frenzy of trying harder, and Believing and hoping, oh so much hoping for Miracles and things to change.
But can often leave me feeling a little inadequate in my faith in what I believe God can ( or will ) do.

I heard a lovely talk recently about where this verse came from ( or where he seems to think it does, i'm not sure of the validity of this information ! ) Anyway, before Jesus used the example of faith being strong/effecient enough to 'move mountains' There was an event in which King Herod had decided he wanted to build something where there was a mountain ( or big hill….who knows how they defined things in those days ! ) So he set his slaves to work, moving said 'mountain' so he could build what he wanted where the obstacle was. I don't know any details, but I'm guessing it would have taken a loooong time, maybe even years, and was an event which most people Jesus spoke to would have remembered. The guy doing this Talk reflected that sometimes faith isn't just about praying for a HUGE thing to happen, and it happen straight away, but how change can be small, and seemingly insignificant, and take a LOOOOONG time.

I also read a blog post about a man who did a similar thing, taking YEARS and YEARS just so that children in a local area could build a small make shift school…..he quite literally moved the side of a small mountain, with just his hands and a wheel barrow.

I guess with these examples in mind, I do have 'faith that can move mountains'………Just one small step at a time.

The year endeth once more...

What a year this one has been………

This time last year there was a person growing within,

Now he's come out and I'm once again thin, (ish)

He drained me of all I had to offer,

Spending endless days in bed, and eating like a troffer….

Eventually he emerged, with a fair bit of pushing,

Then he ate and slept, (with quite a lot of 'shushing')

He grew and developed, now he can crawl,

Little tyke has started nursery,

But most of all, 

I have my two kids, both healthy and happy

(Unless Woody is sat in a dirty nappy) !

He's quite loud, my youngest little Deane,

Playing on his own, he is not keen.

I thought I may break under the pressure;

CFS, a baby and a toddler,

Not a great combination to offer,

I am loving life right now, tired, but not broken, content and satisfied,

With my friends, family and life with a pushchair ride.

But the year 2013 has been and gone,

I know that it won't be long,

Til i'm writing my end of year poem once more,

So 2014, give us your best,

I will give it my all, and God can do the rest. 

Churchy thinkings…….Intentions

I am writing this unedited, and 'unmasked'. This is one of those posts where I just write what is in my head, pretty much, just as it is. No editing.

( Excuse the poor grammar  )

I have been thinking a lot about intentions recently. 
My intentions, 
other's intentions and the good and bad they seem to do.

As a Christian I have been part of churches of many types for all of my life, and have seen lots of people hurt, upset, offended and wounded by people in churches. I am one of these slightly annoying people who always manages to see both sides to every story. I have had friends in total turmoil because another well meaning Christian has said and done things which has really hurt them.

Processing these things for me has been hard, really hard. 
How and why can one person who professes to follow Jesus, preaches that they love him and want to emulate his caring and loving characteristics  cause so much pain to another person ?

I think I have discovered that in the main, (there are exceptions to this rule) they haven't 'meant' to be hurtful, and have mostly been doing and behaving in a way they thought was 'right', and more often than not, a way they perceive the bible to tell them to act.

But this 'discovery' leaves me with a dilemma, if believing strongly in a certain ideal/rule/standard, can hurt, offend and cause loneliness and isolation to others, is that believe ever actually God intended ?

I don't know.


For example (and this is just one example of MANY I could draw on ) the whole debate about Women's role in church and Women bishops…..there are many Christians, some of whom I know well and love very much, Who would say that the bible doesn't allow Women to be in total leadership over men, and therefore would say that Women shouldn't be bishops, or overall church leaders. Now, I totally disagree with this, and this viewpoint I believe, contributes to oppression of women, and doesn't reflect God's character. But, the people who have and would again vote against this, are mostly doing so out of an intention which is to please, and be obedient to how they interpret the bible. Obedience to God - is an intention I also share.

That leaves me and the wider church I am a part of in a sticky situation………


I think what I have concluded, is that it's important to look at someone's intentions before judging them.

I have also concluded, that if my intentions are to love people, to accept them as they are RIGHT NOW…not as I think they should become, then God will not judge me as wrong for that. I too want to please God, but cannot see how suppressing any type of person is in line with that.

Call me a liberal or an unruly lefty, but I feel much happier knowing that when I meet Jesus, which I believe one day I will, I will be judged more harshly for the damage I could do in trying to get it all 'right', than loving someone with a strong and unswerving love. The kind I believe Jesus showed and have missed out a few rules here and there.

These are my thinkings so far !



For anyone reading this who isn't part of a church, I am IN NO WAY saying that direct abuse and pain is EVER justifiable in the 'name of God' or religion. I am merely talking about decisions and guidelines which church goers tend to create in order to run a church. Abuse is always wrong. ALWAYS.

Sunny days

As are most people, I am a big fan of sunshine.

What's not to love ? 

This week, instead of going to church, we went for a family stroll on the beach. 

Being outside, marvelling at all God has made was wonderful.

Ten on Tuethursday

Ten on Tuesday

I have recently been MIA a bit round here of late. So I am popping my head above the parapit and coming out my hidey hole with a ten on....Thursday.


1. I am currently sat on my sofa fully acknowledging the fact that I have dropped a needle not too far from where my behind is placed.....awaiting the pain of being a human pincushion.

2. Public announcement - We are now a TWO car family, this fact feels very strange. In the absence of the stamina to walk very far, and with nursery drop offs added into the mix, my taxi bill had reached the scary dizzy heights of the price of running a teeny tiny car. I feel very thankful for having a car available to me during the day....... just need to control my urge to go to exciting places which I don't yet have energy for !

3. Little Tyke has started nursery. So far, she seems ok, and I think I am just about coping with the transition. 
I have had most of these feelings about this new regime.......

- Why on earth am I sending her to nursery, she really doesn't NEED to go, why make more work getting her there each day ?
- It's great for her to be at nursery, she gets to do things which I don't always have energy or inclination to do with her.
- There are soooooo many other kids there, all in a smallish room, feel like I am feeding her to the dogs !
- She likes it, it's free, it doesn't seem to be doing her any harm, so why not get three hours with just one child to care for three times a week ?

So I guess I am having all the usual parental deliberations which float about each and every choice we make for them. (Sometimes I wish I hadn't read and studied so much about childhood and education.....ignorance can be bliss !?)

4. The most junior member of our household, is shaping up to be a slightly more tricky customer than his sister when it comes to sleeping. He's not awful at it, but not great either....YAAAAAWN.

5. I have started doing a teensy bit of cooking again, it feels good, but I am also out of practise. I have made some fairly dubious meals recently.

6. Having the stamina to stand up and do a few dishes and wipe the kitchen surfaces feels good. sad, but true.

7. Anyone else finding it hard not to get into debt to facilitate buying your little ones too many presents for Christmas? 
I am determined not to, but It is much harder than I had anticipated.

8. A wave of realisation has come over me lately, that I am soon to be 33 - THIRTY THREE.....I'm sure I was only 26 a few weeks ago.

9. On bonfire night I realised we got engaged eight years ago ! Our attempts at getting out to a firework display were somewhat hindered by two tired snotty kids, and a set of parents who lacked the energy to be bothered to make it happen  - next year we WILL go........ !

10.  My two little cuties out and about enjoying life.