A little hello.

A few weeks ago, a good friend asked me why I hadn't been blogging recently. I had to think about why. Perhaps a mixture of being up and about a bit more, but then when I have rest time, I need to sleep to recover in order to do the next block of 'activity'. There is also the fact that I waste/use up hours on Facebook, and recently have been getting stuck down the rabbit warren that is Twitter. But also, I have been reading some brilliant and challenging blogs I stumble across, and finding that what I would 'say' has already been said, so then I don't bother. 

The last 8 months or so, have mostly been lovely. Really really lovely. My two little ones are growing and developing in a way which I feel so grateful for. They are healthy and strong, have fun and amazing opportunities presented to them weekly to explore and learn, it's every parent's dream really, isn't it ? It sometimes takes my breath away when I watch them, and know how safe they are, and how much education awaits them, such a contrast to the images I see regularly on twitter of families fleeing, surviving, and dying. 

The juxtapose of my life, and what I see on social media is a head wrecker most of the time. 

I find, as I am emerging out of the 'baby stage' and on the slow road to both my kids being in some kind of education/nursery, It raises loads of emotion for me. The questions all mums have of 'what will I do now' or 'great, I can do what I'm already doing but not have to pay for childcare' etc etc. 

I think for me, it raises some disappointment and sadness. The lack of career is a tough one. My degree sits largely unused. Today both my kids are being looked after by others so I can rest, sleep and have enough of a breather to be able to function as I need to. Today, that reality feels sad. Other days, I feel nothing of that sadness, but instead the joy every mum feels of a quiet house for a few hours in amongst the chaos of life with a 2 and 4 year old. ( My 2 year old is getting louder - he is LOUD )

I think it's all about feeling I don't have a place, or fit in somewhere. Although my experience of having small children has varied lots from my peers, I have fitted in, with the chats of struggle, of tiredness, of 'will our clothes ever be folded again', not being at work all week. Before my children arrived, I inhabited a space which most twenty somethings didn't, being at home a lot during the week, but occasionally being well enough to hold down a few hours of work. 

But then, I think, I consider, I have never really been someone to 'fit in' with the standard path, so I guess I just need to bed down and find my place again. 

I read this a while ago....

' And I dig into this place, looking for truth and mining for the joy that is always in the mix. 
And as I do, I glimpse hope and possibiity looking back at me '

When I read it, my soul was shouting 'ALL THE YES'.....
This is it, just how I feel.
It was written by a brilliant lady, she blogs ....here at 'thehippochronicles' ( crazy name for a blog ! )

Another reason I haven't blogged much, is cos I am SO very very bad at grammar, I know I am a sloppy writer, and when you read an abundance of well written blogs, It shines a mirror up to my lackadaisical approach to writing. I am no perfectionist when it comes to writing, there's no denying it !

I will leave you with some snaps of the two faces that keep me ticking along. and hopefully, a promise of some slightly more focussed blog posts again soon ! 

A quick 'helloooooo'

I have been lacking blogging inspiration lately, but wanted to check in, to share some of these lovely images of my boy. 

My newly 1 year old little squash.

It's been a really fulfilling year for me as a Mum. 

This little chap has made it an easy task, he's a gem.

The Week

This week has been the first of five when the husbando is off work. We decided to make a bit of a schedule for the week, so I got enough rest, and he knew what was happening when. We have learned from a few bad holiday times, that this is a good recipe for our family.

I am so contended right now. Tired, but not totally exhausted, which is preferable.
Husbando tends to do the nights with our newest member, and I spend most afternoons in bed, this means we can usually do something for a few hours altogether in the morning.

Wonderful.

Today was a trip to a museum. The day had a bumpy start, all very happy, we just realised our little tyke had made it to the train station - sans underwear. With a flowing dress on, we soon realised what had occurred, and Daddy had to hot step it back home to bring knickers ! I have to confess I was vaguely aware that she might not have underwear on, but kept on forgetting and then kind of just hoped I would have some in the change bag somewhere. ( she also had her dress on back to front - that was much more easily remedied )

When all Deane family members were suitable clad with underwear, we boarded the train and made our way to the city centre, the journey was a happy one, LT kept all adults within close proximity amused, with her commentary on the journey, and every so often shouting down the train to Daddy ( who was standing with the pushchair ) 'ARE YOU ALRIGHT DOWN THERE DADDY?'  She just about falls into the category of being young and cute enough to get away with such behaviour.....in a few months, it will just seem annoying.

I was fairly pleased to hot step it around the museum at a 2 year olds concentration pace, not being a huge fan of museums, and my energy reserves flashing on dangerously low, a quick look at the aquarium and a few dinosaur fossils ticked our 'been to the museum' box nicely. We had a cafe pit stop, then loaded up our pushchair/wagon of children and junk and off we went, back to the station to make our way home, on a very hot sweaty train.

The deed was done, we just about made it home. I collapsed into bed, spent, but happy.

When living with the CFS monster, it's unpredictability can be hard to cope with. On days like today when it allows us to do what feels like a normal family morning, I am one happy lady.

The sun doth shine.

My Little squishy squash has reached the ripe old age of 10 weeks. I am going to cling to that cliche which every parent holds dear....'it goes so quickly', and it really does. I am really enjoying him, his cute smiles, and snuggly cuddles when all snuggled up ready for bed....... aaaaahhhhhhh

The past few weeks have been a bit of a juggling act trying to make sure Little Tyke is happy, Little Squash is eating and napping sufficiently to prevent total bedtime overstimulation meltdown, and me getting enough rest to remain upright for as long as required. Most of these things have just about worked out okay, although the naps for the little guy haven't quite happened as planned. I am not a rigid routine kind of Mum, when LT was little I just kind of followed her cues of when she was tired or hungry and created a routine around that, but with our second bundle of loveliness it seems a little harder to remember what they want, when, while trying to build a train set at the same time. 
So I decided to create some kind of routine and wrote it down, and hey presto he's a happier baby, so that's nice ! 

It's better when things work out as you would like them to isn't it ?

The glorious thing which is the great British bank holiday graced us with it's presence this weekend, and the sun came out too - for those of you non UK residents reading this, let me tell you this was nothing short of a miracle. The weather has been really bleak, I mean really really bleak, so the sun coming out on a three day weekend was nothing short of a miracle. 

I spent most of the weekend recovering from the few days of child juggling, so that was a bit of a pain to be in bed when I wanted to be outside, but by monday I summoned the energy to emerge into the sunshine, dust off my sunglasses and head to the beach for a brief, but oh so refreshing, trip out.

Sandcastles were made

Water was collected from the sea......for that so very fruitless task of attempting to put a moat around the castle.....the sand it doth absorb too much !

We were home by midday and all had a glorious afternoon sleep, just what the Dr ordered. 

Week in Pictures

 All about my two little cuties this week........

Snoozing in the garden

What you looking at ey ........?

Beautiful little feet......

Bank holiday fun on the beach............

Thinkings in a poem, kinda

There are new highs, new lows.

The dark times feel like they are looming, waiting to pounce, for something to....just....tip....the....balance which makes it all fall apart.

But for now we are walking the tightrope of life, that's what it feels like doesn't it with two little ones?

Making sure everyone is all fed, happy, clean and smiling, while trying to keep oneself sane so the wheels on this wagon don't fall off, 

that would be bad, 

really bad.

I am thankful for help, 

for funds to fund the help, 

help is good, 

we all need help.

There are moments when such contentment washes over,

Joy, relief and excitement that we have created our family. 

What will the future hold ? 

I get the feeling this is the hardest part we are in right now,  

It's damn hard work, 

I have always liked hard work, 

kind of.

So rewarding, such joy, such fear, so many unknowns and uncontrollables.

Babies are cute, 

babies smell, 

babies need care ALL THE TIME.

Families were made to be big,

extended, 

messy. 

I need family, our extended family, and my immediate family, 

for love, unconditional love.

 'Too tired for niceties, but still love' - love, 

that's the Love I'm talking about.

Food, that's good too, lots of it we have had, 

bought by friends, 

so many friends,

unique and kind.

Thankyou.

Beautiful.......

These past few weeks have been 

Beautiful

Exhausting

Overwhelming

Joyful

Tearful

Happy

They have been all about the boy.

My boy, my gift from God, my 'little squash'. 

He really is squashy and lovely, a fairly contended little fella. Giving us just enough sleep to stay smiling, we are all in love with our newest member.

Many blog posts have been written in the wee small hours, which will never quite make it out of my brain through my fingertips onto here, but some will i'm sure, reformed and in a more coherent form.

That's all for now, but I'm hoping to be back again soon x