Half way up.

Have you ever climbed up a really big hill?
And as you approach what you believe to be the top, you see, that there is in fact, a whooole lot more hill to climb. But when standing at the bottom, you couldnt see the actual top, just the 'pretend' top ?

Well right now, that's about where I am at with this whole CFS/ME malarky.
compared to this time last year, I am ooodles (I love that word) better.
I can walk around a shop, I can go to playgroup with the kids, I can make it to church most weeks. I can sometimes cook a meal.
Progress.
It's great.
I find it hard to describe the feelings of elation at getting a bit of energy back after a prolonged period of absence. The other day, I stood in my kitchen and wiped things, I made things shiny ! Granted, someone else had swept and mopped and done lots of the other jobs, but just being able to stand for longer makes so many more things possible.

Yesterday, I found myself feeling down,  just fed up, frustrated and trapped.
After some time mulling it over a bit, it dawned on me. I have had this condition for over 10 years,  I have experienced times where it has been fairly mild, and times when its been severe, but its been there since I was 23. Thats a long time. And some days, it it just feels too much.

I keep kind of hoping that I would morph into someone who has no desire to go for long walks, or go for a jog, or go canoeing, or body boarding, or swimming in open water half way up a hill, or do a job which uses my talents or I worked hard to train for, chat at a party, or go to a conference for a full day, or, you get the picture.
But I haven't, I still want to do all those things. I know some people don't but I did, and still do, and its like i'm  in a prison not being allowed by my body to do them.

If a Doctor could give me more of a reason why I have limited energy, I am unsure if it would make it any easier, but it would be nice to know anyhow.
Having spent months revelling in the joy of being able to go out together as a family, socialise a bit more, chat a bit more, create and enjoy, a bit more...I want more.

I just want more.

It's like I have reached the 'fake top', and I can see what else there is to grasp at.
People say to me, ' ahh yes, but when you have kids everything is more limited and you can't do the things you want to'.... well yes, but I couldnt do them before I had kids !

So here I am, half way up my hill, so very happy to have made it this far, but ohhh so desperate to leave my 'half way camp' and climb to the top.

Holiday times

Having finally got through the pile of 'crap in the hallway' I have had a chance to sit down and look through a few holiday pics. We really did have a lovely holiday, and it was all I'd hoped it would be. Just a simple time with our little family, and a few friends who joined us for a long weekend. Simple holidays with little ones are definitely the way to go.

I took this photo on a day when the forecast was awful, it proceeded a bad night sleep as it was SO windy the caravan felt like it was about to roll down a hill. The husbando I had slightly lost the will to sit on a windy beach again, so we headed to a National trust property with our shiny new members car sticker. I have to say, when we got there out little hearts sank as we pulled up to the car park, having chosen this place as it said it had a great children's playground, only to see a few planks of wood which even an energetic 8 year old might struggle to 'play' on. We almost gave up and conceded that we would have to spend a small fortune and go to the 'sea zoo' next door, when thankfully we realised that this was in fact just a little park and the main even was hidden in the depth of a beautiful woodland. Phew. It was one of those days where it takes all your effort to have a 'nice time', not argue and make the best of the british weather. 

Thankfully the National trust didn't disappoint, and I even got a ride in the disabled golf buggy back up the hill to the carpark....hanging out where the oldies do is the way forward sometimes !!

I love love love bodyboarding and swimming in the sea, however cold, I will usually give it a try. It's kind of like a magnet pulling me in, and I have on many occasions been known to just jump in regardless of the presence of a towel or swimsuit. Clearly having CFS kind of curtails such activities, but part of the reason I chose our holidaying location is we can easily park near the sea, and the beach was near enough the campsite to just pop down for an hour. So, after a lovely long lunchtime sleep, I took my little girl into the water, mostly just for a splash around and a sit in the waves, but I had my moment, to sit feel the waves crash over me, breathe in the sea air, look at the hills in the distance and feel very thankful to God for little opportunities like these. I am learning to focus on these little achievements, not just look over at the bodyboarders and windsurfers wishing I was joining in with them. My day will come. ( Kite surfing however, isn't an ambition of mine, that just looks like slightly dangerous, very hard work !)

Playing in the sand while Daddy did a spot of kayaking.

Sand, and seaweed. So beautiful.

Dig dig dig, just before the clouds set in and 4 adults and 1 toddler squashed into a teeny tiny tent to hide from the downpour - there was no room to move the arms to take a photo, but it was very amusing!

Crap in the hallway

The thing about holidays, especially of the camping/caravanning variety is.....

When we get back....................

We have a bag with some dental floss, a pair of wet trousers and a tea towel in ( does anyone actually pack to come home as well as when your leaving ? )

Despite leaving our house in a dirty mess ( in the full anticipation of the cleaner coming in our absence ) even when she didn't come, the place still feels practically pristine after living in slum like conditions for a week.

Small child has not watched ANY tv for a 6 days, so an hours worth of viewing is entirely acceptable for once.

Our hallway looks like we decided to put the contents of our wardrobes, kitchen plastics cupboard and general 'household crap' into a giant shaker and then tip it out.

You come back with a tan even if it wasn't that sunny.

The sofa feels extra comfy and the bath tub all the more inviting.

There is a 'closed in' feeling which causes me to want to go back, just to sit on a chair drinking tea in the cold, look at the mountains on the horizon and know that the beach is just down the road.

If we haven't had an argument while packing up to come home, we feel proud of ourselves.......today was one such day. Well done team Deane.

Yes we are home. 

There was a holiday in a field and it was good.

A little holiday

A brief little jaunt to Snowdonia was our activity of choice this half term. (Yes I am married to a teacher, and yes he does get 12 weeks off a year - whoop whoop !!) The place we stayed in was where we visited this time last year. Willow was just 8 months old then, still not sleeping through the night - so things were different. I had much less energy, and felt a bit of a mess. But it was a special time, I love holidays however small and cheap. I'm a quality time kind of girl, and time with my lovely husbando in wet wales rivals any sunny beach holiday without him. He's a real gem. This year I think he felt less like a single parent with a small kid and a large one to look after, and more like a Dad on holiday with his family. The thing I find hardest about this illness malarky is the affect it has on him. I never wanted him to be my carer.

This week, although there were trips to the see the sheep in the field while mummy stayed in bed, I made us a picnic - yes it's true, sandwiches in tupperware pots and everything, and we picnicked at the foot of a mountain altogether......who needs to see the summit anyway ! 

 Willow was fairly determined the flag should come too, encouraged slightly by her very patriotic father.

There was an attempt to ride the toy railway (but there had been an 'incident' on the line - didn't ask anymore about that ! ) so instead Willow rode on a little dragon thingy, which only cost 20p and went on for soooooo long she got bored before it finished....the Welsh clearly know how to make rides for kids !

Oh and a sneaky curry at the local balti house.....it was seriously delicious.

A simple little holiday. 

Sometimes simple is best.

Welsh Wanderings...

Self catering holidays are definately lovely, but there is a lot of work to be done either side isn't there?  Not so much the washing, but more the unpacking of random things which got stuffed in the car any which way 'cause you just want to get home'. Think babybel stuffed in a small ugg boot and you kind of have the idea..........

I still haven't located my phone charger, but have come home with the camera charger which we left at the cottage last time we went in May - So a fair swap i think.

Anyway, here are a few little highlights of our Welsh holiday.......


Obligatory viewing of Welsh steam train. Willow cried the sort of cry you would expect from a 1 year old when a noisy train passes and then unexpectedly toots it's tooter - horn? er what is it called ?!

A rare opportunity to play in an old phone box. Which i think was more for my benefit than anyone else's really.

Picnic with friends, We managed to turn up without the vast majority of the things we needed, but still had fun and made do. Some of my fondest memories as a child involved going on picnics and having to cut cheese and bread with anything i could lay my hands on, and fully intend to carry on the tradition. 

Then there was lots of lovely Autumnal light....

I am still recovering from the coastal walk where I took this picture. But with scenery like this, it's hard to stay inside with your feet up. The dreaded chronic fatigue still likes to come on holiday with me, but looking at these pictures make the forced days in bed seem a bit more worth it. 

And Dad, this one is just for you......

We ended our jaunt with a bit of time with my family, these are two of my three siblings, who are indisputably the best anyone could ask for. They are as lovely as they look in this picture. The sort that just turn up at your holiday cottage, do yesterdays washing up, cook you a delicious roast, wash up again and then help you pack up and clean up after a weekend of mess they didn't create. They are a little barmy tho, there is no denying that. But that is why I love them. 

So until next time Wales, i bid you farewell.