The need for nurture.

If I had a machine which could translate my 3am thougts whilst lying awake in bed this blog would be a hive of activity ! But I don't, so here are a few thinkings which have been buzzing about for a week or two......

As you have probably realised from previous posts, the last few months have been ones where I have been more dependant on others for more things than usual. My lovely Husbando really has been pulling out all the stops to help me. He cooks, tidies ( sometimes ! ) does all day to day jobs and at the weekends brings me food in bed while I rest and he cares for Little Tyke. It's been an interesting road the past few months as I have pondered a lot what it means to be 'nurtured'. I have needed lots of practical help on and off for the past eight years, but practical help is different from someone or something nurturing your soul........Do you know what I mean ?

Towards the end of last year, I reached a point where I needed more than just physical rest, I had been carrying around the stressful thoughts of how to cope with another baby and other day to day life cares and they all kind of, well, got to me more than I ever thought they could. It's a scary place when you have no reserves to draw from emotionally and physically. People say  'well you just do what you have to, to cope when you have kids'  and I have always kind of lived by that. But with CFS I have been confronted once again that I can't do that - can't live by that moto. It's been difficult to come to terms with that again. You see, I am a bit of a 'get on with it' kind of person. I love to care for others and probably get too much affirmation from being able to do that, so when it all comes to a point where I cannot nurture and care for others, mainly my Husband and Daughter it kind of rocks my foundations. 

But I am learning S L O W L Y that no matter how 'capable' you are, practical, organised, a 'can do' person, you still need to be nurtured. Still need help bringing up kids, still need a friend to hear you cry when you feel like you might not actually want to care for baby growing inside you, as it feels too much......... The real nitty gritty stuff which no one likes to say.

Our souls need nurturing, sometimes by God's gentle kind words of encouragement, and sometimes by his hands and feet on this earth, our friends and family.

For me, not being able to be the Mum and Wife I would like to be is what I find the hardest. And having my husband care for me is, well, tricky for both of us. But, I have to say these last few months I have felt cared for and nurtured by him on a whole other level. My friends and family have done this too, and I realise it has been good for me, through tears and feelings of terror at the day ahead, I need to be nurtured. 

It's made me ponder showing this need more in day to day life when my energy does pick up a bit more, because, you see, another thing I have realised is largely it's me who has to make myself available to receive care, only through being vulnerable to we show people our true needs, longings and brokenness, can we receive the kindness and care they are waiting to give.

During a conversation with a close friend of mine, we were chatting about how when you become a Mum, the need for being nurtured ourselves increases. As we give out constantly, we have to get that replaced somehow, or we run dry, really dry. While many of us like to think we can just run on empty, really, we can't. As my wise friend so rightly mentioned, If we don't acknowledge our own needs, then it can make us hardened in our relationships, resentful and well, just not as nice. (I was always told the word 'nice' is bad to use, but at this juncture I think it's quite appropriate ! ) 

Today the sun is out, and I feel like I am beginning to feel ready for this next baby to take our lives by storm, with love, cuteness and the delirium only a newborn can bring. The house smells of fairy non bio as the babygros are washed, and the bottles dragged out the cupboard, all ready for his arrival. I feel ready to meet him, to give what little I have to nurturing his early days, resting in the knowledge that God will be with me, nurturing, holding, and caring for me, at times through His word, and also through the strong and capable hands of my husband ( he does have particularly large manly hands ;) ) and family. 

Ten on Tuesday

I started writing this last monday, a full 8 days later I have finished....who knew things could take so long.

1. I was slightly inspired by the concept of an advent calendar in a fairly non spiritual way this year,  I would get a new music cd every month, rather than a chocolate every day. A new cd daily might be a little too expensive ! The Husbando and I each have a tenner every month we can spend on whatever we like, yeah it's not mega bucks, but it's still like pocket money. He spends his on beer, mine usually goes on a face wash, or a new something for LT like a magazine or other such item to entertain her on a tired day. But this year I am claiming back my £10 for something I enjoy. I need to inject a little more music into my life, I love listening to music and don't do it enough, so in a bid not to loose myself entirely this year to nappies and fatigue, I have made an Amazon wish list.... and at the start of each month Husbando chooses one and it will arrive, on my doormat for me to open and listen to. Kind of a surprise, but one I have chosen ! Stevie Wonder was the choice for January - just lifts my slightly weary spirits a bit. 

2. My friend has started writing a new blog, check it out for some fun tales of homeschooling, book reviews and general views on family life  .......  Land of the Living. She is the lovely friend who has LT for me one day a week, we have been friends for about 13 years, in some ways we are polar opposites, but share so many similar values and shared experiences, I count her to be one of my close friends.....albeit one I don't actually get to spend that much time with.

3. I read the book 'The Help' over Christmas, a bit late to the party I know, but I finally got my hands on a copy and had a little look and see. I really enjoyed it, 

I have to say I found some of it a little long winded, but it was a great read. Back in the days of A-Levels I read quite a few books written by African American women in the midst of the civil rights movement in the sixties, or during the abolition of slavery, so it was different reading a novel from the perspective of white women too. I enjoyed the interwoven characters and the fact the ending wasn't all rosy. Since my carefree days of sixth form I have dipped in and out of what seems to be known as 'womanist prose', Alice Walker is one of my favourite authors, and part of the reason Little Tyke has Alice as her middle name. Maya Angelou and Toni Morrison are also great. If you liked 'The Help' check out these books too. 
Beloved   
The Third life of Grange Copeland 
In search of our mother's gardens 
I know why the caged bird sings

Clearly don't buy them from the tax dodging naughties which are Amazon cos of course as point number one clearly states I never do......*cough cough*

4. Discovered recently that I have very low levels of Vitamin B12, not sure how long they have been like that, so it was nice to make a discovery of one of the many reasons which could be behind why I have such low energy. Alas the treatment was two weeks of injections every other day - ooowwwch they hurt ! So over the festive period I graced the Dr Surgery with my presence three times a week - I know how to have fun ey :) Made me thankful once more for the NHS though, we are so fortunate for the services we get in the UK.

5. I have decided I'm quite fed up of 'news' - always such bad news. And politics.......yawwwwn. I do have a keen interest in politics, but at the moment I just have lost all care for it. I shall for now blame it on the fact that all my 'caring' quota is being used up on being a baby cooker and Mother to a two year old. If i'm still this apathetic in a year or so, someone give me kick up the backside.

6. Getting to that very heavy stage now.......Pregnancy is a blessing, but finding it very tough this time round. ONLY 5 WEEKS TO GO.......feelings of 'hooray' and 'oh my goodness what have we done' flow in equal measure.

7. I have definitely arrived in that adult stage of life where you spend Birthday and Christmas money on new bedroom curtains and duvet set, yes it's true. I realised that over the past 7 years I have spent a LONG time in my bed and looking at our curtains, so it was time for a change. Some cool blues and tranquil whites have now replaced the kind of dark purple theme.....It's the little things in life ey.

8. Over the two weeks Husbando had off work he spent most of his waking hours with Little Tyke, She has always been a real Mummy's girl, but their little relationship has flourished lots recently, and the bond between them is so sweet to see. 
LT has one amazing Daddy it has to be said.

Here she is in the park with Daddy, while I sat on a bench and took some photos.

She was on her way to feed the ducks, dropped the bread on the floor, flock of pigeons descend to eat it, this is her shouting 'That's not for you' she then proceeded to pick up the bread, take it from them, only to deposit it safely with their rightful recipient. That's my girl. A bit bossy, and certainly not afraid of a few hungry pigeons .....

9. Ended last year feeling utter terror at how I would cope with this coming year, but I think I'm starting to feel like it ....might....just....be.....alright. Looking forward to meeting baby number two, while slightly fearful all at the same time. I think I have the emotional stability of a 13 year old girl who just found out Justin Bieber is off the market.

10. Realised last week I hadn't packed a hospital bag, despite having the bits to go in it scattered around the house. I suddenly got the urge to assemble them into some kind of vessel ready to grab when the time comes. Last time Husbando was drying me some trousers with a hairdryer while I was busy contracting in the bedroom as I had nothing I could put on to go to the hospital in......it definitely wasn't the most prepared I've ever been. People keep telling me this baby will come faster that my first, so if that's true I have to get to hospital quick. ( just wait, he'll be late and take hours and days to emerge just to prove us all wrong !)

That's all for now I think. I have composed so many 'posts' to write over recent weeks, all in my head, none of them made it here just yet, but I'm hoping to write a few more soon. 
(To get them out my head if for no other purpose ! )

A few weeks in pictures

A few photos of the weeks gone by........

Out and about

Painting with Mummy 

And perhaps my favourite shot of the weeks gone by....... 

A few festive moments

As promised, a whole year on.........

I haven't been getting dressed a whole lot recently, but for a few days over Christmas the wonder of being dressed and wearing makeup occurred.........:) Opening some pressies with my Little Tyke.

Little tyke did some spectacular vomitting a few hours before christmas dinner, so here she is looking a bit pale and eating rich tea biscuits instead of turkey !

Delicious Christmas dinner with my family....panaramic shot by husbando and a clever thing called an iphone :)

New dolls house....hours of fun ...

One day over Christmas time, i am fairly sure my Little tyke ate a small breakfast, and then nothing but icing from the Christmas cake for the rest of the day. In a house full of adults it's easy to loose track of a 2 year old, as she was always entertained ( bliss ! ) so I kind of forgot my parenting duties as far as nutrition was concerned......ooops.

I was sad not to quite have the stamina for Church on Christmas day, so my family went without me :(
I did however, inject a little bit of festive culture into my morning while lying in bed, listening to a Christmas service on the radio from some clever place where a choir sing in tune and sound very professional...kings college cambridge I think it was. A few years ago my sister and I added our own special timing while singing 'ding dong merrily on high', in a church where our family nearly doubled the congregation, it was more than a little noticeable, so the inevitable uncontrollable laughter ensued. So at least there was some in tune carol singing in my absence !  ( Apparently LT did shout out and try to talk to my Mum  ( who was taking the Christmas Service ) I'm sure my Mum was a little embarrassed, but loved it really, how can anyone be annoyed with a cute 2 year old in a reindeer dress ?! )

That's all for now, just off to tuck into one of the large quantities of thorntons chocolates we are in possession of...... mmmmmmmm

Oxygen starved by a 2 year old.

So it's Christmas time, I could write various profound things about the season, however as I am writing this while hidden under a duvet, (slightly oxygen starved if the truth be told) all profound thought has left me.  We are sharing a room with our little tyke,  she is currently resisting sleep so hiding all stimuli from her view is the only way she willing to stop talking about her teddy s and give into sleep.

We are at my parents, , all rooms filled with beds , blown up, standard and sofa types.  Being pregnant and fatigued I get a good bed, all be it next to my not yet asleep 2 year old.
So far we have been served some potent ginger liquid,  a delicious sausage stew and a warm welcome under the roof of my lovely parents.
I was given a fancy pants mini tablet computer for my birthday,  and am writing this on it, so excuse the typos. ?....still learning how to use it.

Birthday s and Christmases all make me realise how blessed I am in amongst the difficulty of feeling so weak. Lovely friends and family with a few gifts to add a cherry on the cake.

Toddler now asleep......and so should I be, goodnight one and all, and happy Christmas  to you !

This is a photo of us last year, same time, same place.....a whole year older and another baby on board this year,  new photo to follow !

Reject trees, and stone alters

I have been a bit non communicado of late. Things have been tricky, too exhausted for words and kind of going a bit frayed around the edges mentally too.

But today I am coming out of my blogging hidey hole and getting my mojo back !

I think sometimes this blog can be a little frenetic, one day I am writing about toddler antics, the next about the bible and then sometimes just thinkings.

For me a lot of this blog is about expressing and documenting my thoughts and daily life. In the Bible when something happened, or God have them a specific blessing, His people would build an alter as a reminder of his faithfullness. And in some ways a few of these posts are like that for me. There's no way I'm hauling my weary body outside to build a stone alter in our small garden.......not to mention the looks I'd get from the neighbours !

It's good for me to be able to look back at photos and writing of happy family times, and beautiful nature when those days are not currently a flowin in Deane land. By nature I am a 'glass half full' kind of lady, but even the most positive of people has days where that glass just looks plain dry and empty ey ?

So here is my Alter for this week............

Christmas tree decorating. ( photo to follow when I have sorted out the fact my blog host thingame says there is no space for new photos - eeeek )

We were going to head to a lovely forest near our house where there is christmas music, food and a cute train for Little tyke to ride on, but to be honest the trees are pricey, energy was low, and we were trying to be thrifty, so went in search of a cheaper offering, that wouldn't leave our from bank account becoming more red than it already is :)

We found our little offering, in the 'reject' section, it's cute little shape fits perfectly in our lounge and for a tenner, can't be scoffed at. What's more it was grown nearby, so makes us feel a little more eco friendly ( as we throw away our disposable nappies and turn up our heating.....ahem ) while we hang the lights over it's little rejected branches.

That's all for now folks, I love this time of year, and hope you are enjoying festivities in amongst the busy - ness of life. Life is busy isn't it, too busy for some.

Sip some mulled wine, and dwell on the awesomeness of God coming to earth as a baby - how weird is that !!!!

Just a brief Hello....

Ok, so it's been nearly a month since I have stopped by to say 'hello'.

I have been resisting slightly as If i'm really honest, I haven't had anything good, or interesting, or poignant to say. And If I started writing a post about how I felt, or what I was thinking, I don't think I could publish it, as it feels too raw to share right now.

This month has been tough, really tough. Exhausted to a whole new level, worried and a little confused at how things suddenly went a bit haywire in my little world, mostly inside my head.

Right now I don't want to write about it too much, but I will, one day.

But today I had a fun bath with my little tyke, she is lovely, I am blessed to have her.

And there is still galaxy chocolate, a new series of 'I'm a celebrity' on the box, and a whole book of psalms to read, number 27 is my current fav.

That is all for now.

In the words of Arnie....'I'll be back' :)